To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

I hate that so many weddings have become all about the pictures and nothing about the actual enjoyment of everyone attending.

People will enjoy more without their young dc which they have to take to bed early...

I would argue it’s selfish to want to impose your children on the bride and groom when they don’t want them there.

I mean unless the grandparents are zooming around nearly knocking over drinks, loudly declaring they need a wee, mummy I got a boogyyy, shouting they are bored and constantly need an eye on them, then that’s a bit apples and oranges. Then you get the teens bored face like a slapped arse but can just leave them in a corner on their phones nice and easy.

Though again party grannies with the zoomies I could fully get behind anyway 🤣

@Gloriia edit was meant to tag this person 😅

Don’t go then 🤷‍♀️

I'm with you op. I've known people that have done this and then realised (once they have kids) that it is a selfish and sad thing to do.

I always declined to go to child free weddings when my kids were young, even for close family.

We had a child free wedding 20+ years ago AND didn't invite cousins either!

Dont think it can be summed up any more succinctly than @UndermyShoeJoe said :
Yanbu to say you cannot attend
Yabu to think your idea of a wedding is the only way.

Totally get where you’re coming from - I’m not denying that weddings can be tough on kids and I know some people prefer a quieter or more adult atmosphere. But the part that stings for me is how firm and inflexible the ‘non-negotiable’ bit is.

I wouldn’t dream of letting my kids run riot during speeches or be disruptive but being told there’s no room for any kind of compromise just makes it feel like the vibe/aesthetic took priority over actual family being there.

As for a paid babysitter - I’ve looked into it but with no family nearby and the overnight issue, it’s not just a simple fix. It feels like I’m being asked to jump through hoops just to show up to a day that’s supposed to be about celebrating with loved ones.

I think they are being unreasonable but you aren't going to change their minds. YANBU not to go.

Imagine if someone decided to have a grandparent free wedding as old people spoilt the vibe.

But my grandparents don't need me to take them to bed early. They can do this themselves, they are also capable of going to a quiet area if it's too noisy for them without supervision...

A wedding is about two people getting married and celebrating that fact, for themselves. It's an honour to be invited to share this special occasion not a given. I find the concept of a wedding being about family attending weird. No one would get annoyed if they weren't invited to a birthday party or someone's promotion or retirement or house warming - so why this special interest in when people get married. You might as well think the first time a couple has sex warrants a big party, with kids invited to witness this special relationship milestone - declaration of love.

Their wedding has nothing to do with you so YABU by thinking it does.

It is selfish - people are entitled to be selfish on their wedding day. Weddings should be about the bride and groom. I personally wouldn't have a child free wedding, but I have been to a few and I understand the appeal.

Yes YABU. Their wedding is about what they want. However many of us also LOVE the idea of a child-free wedding so we can have some adult fun. If you don't want to go don't go - but YABU to judge other people's choices. It's about what they want not you.

It has to be non negotiable otherwise everyone will have a reason or excuse and promise their children would be fine. Normally the very children the bride and groom don’t actually want there.

You wouldn't be not attending because you think it's selfish. You would be not attending because you have no childcare.

No one's forcing you to go.

It's not your wedding and your opinion on their choices is neither here nor there.

It's not always about choice but space. Most venues have a maximum capacity, and if you fill it up with kids then that'll knock other adults off the guest list.

Many grandparents need assistance with things. We don't exclude them do we. Maybe that's the next thing..

Yeah me too actually.

I'm Irish and we're big on kids attending weddings and other family events.

But I totally respect that weddings are expensive and not every bride and groom wants other people's kids raising the cost.

What makes me laugh about the OP is the thread title's a bit different to her opening post where she's just 'considering' not going.

Don't go OP and do the bride and groom a favour so they can invite someone in your place who actually wants to be there.

Gently, OP, you're only a cousin. They probably consider your presence a "nice to have", but not essential. If you don't go because you don't have childcare, it's probably not the end of the world from their point of view.

If most of their friends and family have children and they have to invite them all, it could add 20 or 30 people to the guest list.

We had a child free wedding. Never regretted it and it certainly wasn't about photos or making it insta-perfect. Completely understood if someone couldn't make it because of child care.

It’s their Wedding

They’re paying for it

They can do what they bloody well like

This!

Get over yourself. It's an invitation, if you can't go, or don't want to, just decline gracefully.

It may not be for a “Pinterest perfect” wedding as you put it. When I got married nearly 30 yes ago, there was no Pinterest etc. At that age, I just didn’t like kids much, wanted my friends to let their hair down plus I didn’t want our vows to be drowned out by screaming or “Mum! I need a wee!”

You aren’t being asked to jump through hoops. You’ve received an invitation, your children haven’t. You have no babysitter so have to regretfully decline the invite. Job done, no jumping through hoops.