To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

And I'm sure she was devastated 😂

Unfortunately, the issue with children at weddings is often the parents, not the children. I was at a beautiful wedding where one of the best choirs in the country sang. Unfortunately a baby screamed in the congregation through the whole thing, and for whatever reason neither of the parents (who weren't relatives of the bride or groom) didn't take the baby outside. Their selfishness marred the whole experience for the rest of us.

it is a shame but it’s clearly saying they’re ok with people with kids not coming - it’s not something I’d do but I’d just not go @ZingyJadePombear even if I could find a babysitter, have you got the £100-£150 to pay them?

I think that’s part of the problem - people assume all parents are the same and default to the worst-case scenario. Just because some guests don’t manage their kids well doesn’t mean all of us deserve to be lumped in and excluded entirely.

And no, I’m not a single parent but childcare logistics aren’t suddenly easy just because there are two of you. That’s kind of the point: sometimes the ‘no kids’ rule feels more about control and appearances than genuine practicality, and it can end up shutting out people the couple supposedly cares about.

For what it's worth I had a child free wedding 20 years ago and it's something I regret now. People had to find babysitters and the effort they went to I didn't truly appreciate until I had children myself. I wish someone had said something to me at the time. We get all obsessed about the perfect day and actually having a child doing a knee slide on the dancefloor would have been fun.

DH and I second time round, middle aged,big mortgage, booked Gretna green us and 4 DKs. Mil went mad (she didn't have a relationship with DH, walked out when he was 7, went off with another man,he didn't see her for 20 years. Rebooked different Register office, plus reception,paid deposit. Couldn't get a Saturday booking mil complained, ending up booking 2 more venues loosing booking fees each time,to get a Saturday. Said in the invitations, sorry Venue was too small for kids. Arranged a childminder and bouncy castle at our house nearby. Kids had ruined my sils wedding a couple of years before. 3 days before the wedding,mil is on the phone going on and on about kids coming. They ruined the photos, and the meal it was a 200 year old pub,no kids food. I didn't even get to sit at the top table, with my DH,bil sat one side,his kids one each side,they refused to move,DH tried to make them move, without causing a scene. The kids hated the food and complained. It was 35 years ago,I'm still angry.

I don’t give a fuck about Pinterest or social media, and I didn’t have a photographer.

I had a child free wedding because I wanted one. I don’t have children, nor do my closest “loved ones”. A few cousins/acquaintances declined as I didn’t invite their children and that’s fine with me.

90% of weddings I’ve been to have been marred by children running mad/ruining the food/knocking things over/being badly behaved. I don’t enjoy children at weddings, why would I invite any?

And before you ask, I’m on MN for the feminism topics.

If they make an exception for your kids, how do you think their other guests who arranged babysitters at great expense because they were told it was a child free wedding will feel?

You could always go without your husband. Your family will be there so it's not like you won't know anyone.

Lol you are totally delulu if you think your cousin would prefer to have your kids there than their own actual friends! Nobody really cares about your kids being present other than you, everyone else would probably breathe a sigh of relief!

I had a child free wedding because I didn't like one of my friends kid and put him with my other friends kid and they're a nightmare together so no thanks. I don't mind putting up with their crappy behaviour on play dates but not at my wedding.

I loved my wedding day and my friends had a great, child free time.

But you don't have to go.

YABU to be hurt, YANBU to decline (not “refuse” — it’s an invitation, not a demand).

Obviously if they want an adult only wedding it’s non-negotiable — if they say yours can come then they’ll have to say everyone else’s can come too and then it’s not adult only is it??

I had an adult only wedding. I’m now the mum of a young child and I’d be in the same situation as you if I were invited to an adult only wedding today. I don’t have any idea why you are so upset about this, you’re just not in the same stage of life right now and that’s okay.

Totally agree that it’s the couple’s day and their choice - no one’s disputing that. I’m just pointing out that when the choice shuts out people who would genuinely want to be there but can’t find workable childcare, it can come across as a bit rigid. Especially when it’s family.

As for flexibility - I don’t mean letting kids stay until midnight or run wild. I just mean maybe allowing kids for the ceremony only or making exceptions for close family with no other options. A flat no across the board doesn’t work for everyone and it can feel like aesthetics or control are being prioritised over actual connection.

Do people actually expect their cousins to have their children at their weddings? I have 8 cousins for example, my husband has 6, between them they have about 20 kids. Then do you have to invite all your friend's children. That would be utterly ridiculous, much simpler to say no kids.
. I'd say something if it was maybe the child's aunt or uncle getting but their mother's cousin? you are being really unreasonable.

Their wedding,their choice of course but they have to expect that there will be guests that won't be able to make it. I guess they have to think about what's more important.

👏

We see so many of these “I’d never let my kids ruin a wedding” posts. And yet I’ve seen a child knock
over a cake stack, knock over and bride and father dance injuring an old man, and saw 2 bottles of wine knocked over by the same child at the same wedding.

I don’t blame the children, I mostly blame people
not parenting or monitoring them.

Could your OH not look after the kids and you go to the wedding?

Exactly the same reason we didn’t invite kids (apart from nieces & nephews). Not sure why people are talking about photos - I’ve seen plenty of photos of ‘Pinterest-perfect’ weddings including kids.

A flat no works for the Bride and Groom and that’s what matters.

when you start making exceptions then everyone will have a reason and it becomes a free for all. They have set a boundary and are sticking to it.

I agree. It's so expensive to attend now, having to find a babysitter and treating children like they arent part of the family is too much for lots of guests. Maybe I'm weird but I love all the kids running riot at a wedding.

But children at the ceremony is literally the worst bit to have them at. What kid wants to sit through a ceremony of boring old farts talking on uncomfortable chairs whilst mummy keeps telling them shhh and keep still?

It doesn't have to work for everyone, OP.

The location and timing of my wedding didn't work for everyone, and some of those people didn't come. No hard feelings, it hasn't harmed our relationship.

There should not be "flexibility" about a child free wedding beyond babes in arms, because otherwise every considerate guest who made arrangements for childcare in order to attend will be rightly pissed off that other people brought their children along anyway.

YABU, @ZingyJadePombear - your cousin and partner have decided they'd like to celebrate without having to make it child-friendly. They will no doubt have considered that this will mean some people will not attend, and have made their peace with that possibility.

And the "boycotters" get to make the wedding about themselves if/when its brought up at a later date.

Why do you need to point that out, are you thinking the couple don't know that some invitees won't be able to attend

This issue is a perennial one, probably at least a thread a week and there's no different answer ever, your choice to attend or not, that's the be all and end all really

Yabu because if you make it a thing she has another thing on her plate. Just say sorry I can’t make it because of the children (Ps myself and dh just didn’t go to weddings together for a few years, the person who knew the people the best went and had a great time!)