To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

There's a lot of 'I' and 'we' in your posts. Their wedding is not about you. If you care about the couple (& again it's about them and not what you want) then go without your husband &:kids. You might actually have a good time. 😂

I think the best invite I have seen is that they'd prefer if guests came without their children. However, if it meant the invited guests couldn't attend, then children were welcome.

I think that's the worst possible sort of invite.

Clearly if the invite indicated a preference for no children, then children aren't 'welcome'. Just tolerated. There was a reason 'no children' was specified after all.

Also, it's going to create ill feeling among guests. How do you define 'can't attend'? Does it mean you can attend but can't be arsed to get a babysitter for the night? Or that you can attend but would rather not leave your little darling? And who's going to decide what is or is not a 'good' reason? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Either specify childfree, with possible exceptions for close family, or not at all.

There is a ‘wrong’ way to host a wedding IMO (or any event) and it’s by disregarding the guests.

But my points mostly relate to changing experiences of weddings as a guest over time, from childhood onwards.

Hopefully things will start to swing back a bit. People IME generally seem to be ‘over’ all the BS, overseas hen dos etc.

Sometimes it’s difficult to decline invitations depending on the relationship to bride or groom (or various other dynamics) without causing a rift.

You’re assuming that the guests are all uniformly unhappy and that some of them wouldn’t prefer a childfree wedding. Would inviting children when some guests would prefer you not to mean that those guests have been disregarded? Or would it be a case of ‘don’t go if you don’t like it, it’s not your wedding’?

Someone else’s wedding not being tailored to the exact specifications of a guest does not mean ‘the guests’ have been disregarded, and accommodating guests does not extend to a couple having a type of wedding they don’t actually want. If an invitee doesn’t like the type of wedding they’ve been invited to, they don’t in fact have to attend.

That's one way to look at it. I'm looking at it as them not wanting to anyone to miss out who they think are important. They know their friends and family. They will know if there are pisstakers. There wasn't. I think there were 2 children. Last time I hosted a get-together for 40 people, one person asked if it was for kids. I said, kids are welcome but it isn't really a child friendly thing. They didn't bring their kids. Same with most events in my social circle. My friends 40th one couple brought their child cause my friend wanted that couple to attend and otherwise they couldn't. It doesn't have to be a big thing when you know your crew.

I said, kids are welcome but it isn't really a child friendly thing.

But if you're planning a childfree wedding then kids really aren't welcome. That's why you're planning a childfree wedding!

So you're comparing apples with oranges.

She's not unreasonable to want a child free wedding, you're not unreasonable to refuse to attend. Either one of you would be unreasonable if you were demanding or snarky about the other's decision.

In recent years and trends, yes, since it’s become more about aesthetics and less about the experience of guests.

I have been to lots of weddings, including one like yours in the past (black tie 5 star hotel large number of guests), but where some DC were present (not mine because I didn’t have any then).

We were married 30 years ago so not recent. The experience and enjoyment of our guests was key - the majority had flights in order to attend as we were living in a different country to any of our families.

just say no and don’t go. We accepted people may not come to our child free wedding and actually every single person we invited did come.
I’ve also attended child free weddings when mine were little and really enjoyed myself but if I hadn’t had a babysitter I’d just have not gone.
they aren’t being unreasonable and certainly not selfish and neither are you

No, you’re assuming that I’m assuming that (I’m not).

There’s also a difference between a guest being a bit irritated by a baby being there and someone not being able to attend because their baby is excluded,

The point about declining I’ve already covered the nuances of.

The experience of your guests was key and this was 30 years ago. People chose not to bring DC.

Your wedding isn’t one I have an issue with!

At a wedding like this, some people happened to bring DC (including flying in to the country with them) which was not in any way problematic including for me as someone without any at that time.

Thats convenient. Either way, there will be guests that won’t have everything about an event tailored to their liking, which is not the same thing as being disregarded.

The wishes of the actual couple getting married aren’t a minor detail either. What they want regarding their own wedding is not somehow less important than what a guest who thinks children should be invited wants. It really is as simple as ‘don’t like it? Don’t go’.

Why is the assumption that people have child free weddings for pictures?
Children don't get in for free unless perhaps babies in arms. Sometimes it just isn't possible to have every family member and friends and all their children. No children is one way of keeping the numbers down if you have a big family/friend circle.

I didn't want a child free weddings, but I couldn't have afforded it if at the time I had been looking at the number of nephews/nieces/friend's children I would be looking at if I married this year.

It’s not ‘convenient’, our opinions vastly differ.

“We want a CF wedding, like it or lump it” - “no not coming, I don’t care what the fall out is” is just the other end of the spectrum.

I had a child free wedding, because the room only held 15 people & at the time, there were 11 young nieces & nephews & we weren't altering our plans & incurring much higher costs to accommodate all of them. My brother & his wife refused to attend because they couldn't bring their son - fair enough, their choice. Said Nephew is grown up now & getting married soon. He's having a child free wedding 😂

I think having kids there depends on the venue. I had a limit of 70 and so if I'd have had children I'd have to cut a lot of my friends out of the wedding to make way for all the children. I wasn't willing to not invite my friends so child free was the way we went. Also who really enjoys themselves at a sit down meal with speeches with kids running around or kids getting bored, needing the loo etc.

The other end of the spectrum is ‘accommodate me even if it means having a wedding (that you’re hosting and paying for!) you don’t want’, which you seem to be positioning as reasonable. Most invitees to someone else’s event fortunately tend to have sense enough to not expect said event to be exactly tailored to them, given that it isn’t about them.

’Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend, but I send my best wishes’ is far less likely to create fallout than insisting that your wishes have priority over those of the couple getting married.

You're assuming all guests feel the same as you, which is definitely not the case. In any event, the B&G are not in any way obliged to put your preferences above their own at their wedding.

Have whatever wedding you want - let others have what they want.

A couple of PP are responding to their own assumptions and extrapolations about how I think and feel or what I have and haven’t experienced as if it’s more valid than the reality.

But at this point I really don’t care enough to carry on responding.

When you use the plural ‘guests’ it does indeed suggest that you think they’re of a single mind, and specifically one that opposes childfree weddings. You’ve also posited this as ‘disregarding guests’, which is apparently a bad thing, unless said guests have no problem with, or even prefer, childfree weddings, then it’s fine.

Apparently it’s also fine for the couple getting married to host and pay for a type of wedding they don’t even want, because their wishes are less important than those of an invitee (not even a guest at this point) that wants to take her kids.

Lol, got it.

Your assumptions are covered by my previous post and you are wrong in them.

Please stop quoting me.

Its extremely selfish to expect them to cater to your kids so your highness would be willing to attend.
There is a good reason why people don't want young kids at weddings - they scream. run, break things - usual shit, while parents too busy getting drunk. Now teenagers would be another story.

I've found the opposite in that most weddings I've gone to with children are the shit ones. Often feel more like children's birthday parties than weddings.

@JazbayGrapes , the weddings with children I've been to only had the bride and/or groom's children there.
All the others were child-free other than some that had mid-to-late teen guests.

In the family there was a wedding (my parent's sibling) that had children but a young PFB was very badly behaved apparently.