To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

Totally your choice to not attend.
To say they're making you jump through hoops though is a tad dramatic.
If anything, B & G would have to jump through hoops to organise a wedding that will cater for children especially if there are a few in the family. It will also put the cost up for them. It's not that they don't want to celebrate with loved ones, just not the kids!

Think it’s really harsh to say they want it child free to be instagramable. I’ve got 3 kids and have zero desire to take them to a wedding - as I would actually like to enjoy myself and catch up with friends. When kids are there it changes the whole dynamic. If they haven’t got kids yet I totally get it. And it’s easier to do blanket ban rather than say some people can bring kids and some people can’t. When my sister got married I had a 9 month old - she didn’t want him at the service in church in case he cried. So my mother in law came and chilled at hotel with him for first bit then he came out had some photos, was cooed over and stayed for an hour until mother in law took him away and I then had a lovely time!

And it has nothing to do with aesthetics unless all the kids in your family are so ugly they'd make the flowers wilt 👀

It's clearly cost and being able to relax without kids running round, or spoiling the ceremony and meal etc.

Have they said the reason they want it child free is for the Pinterest aesthetic?
Or do you think it’s more likely that they don’t want kids running all over the dance floor and making a racket? There are a variety of reasons someone would want child free and it’s nothing to do with the aesthetic for many. There’s been a few weddings in my friendship group the last few years and even if ch have been invited, my friends don’t take them as they’d much rather be “present” at the wedding and letting loose, not constantly keeping one eye on their child.

We had cousin's children at our wedding but it did mean a large number of children at the wedding and it's not unreasonable to not want that.

You are perfectly reasonable to stand by your choice, but in doing so you must also accept they are perfectly reasonable for standing by their choice too.

I think weddings should include well-behaved children, but its their wedding, rheir choice. I wouldn't go.

We had a mostly child free wedding, just a couple of nieces and nephews on the invite list who we love and wanted there.

We were pressured into including others.

They rampaged around, stole the favours and wrecked the place name settings, stealing them all and mixing them all up.

It was before Instagram, so not about the pictures. We just didn't want to babysit a bunch of kids, we wanted to let our hair down with our friends.

Kids change the whole feel of a wedding. If you want a family, kiddy vibe I'm sure it can be lovely. We wanted something different and I wish we'd pandered less to the peevish demands of selfish parents.

I've been to child free wedding since having my own and it was fine.

What is it with people thinking their need to bring children along trumps the bride & grooms wishes
You’ve been invited to an all expenses paid event which doesn’t include children . If you don’t want to go then don’t !

What child enjoys attending a wedding? Funny that people who complain only ever complain about missing out due to child care. Not because the child is upset to miss the wedding because they aren’t. No child likes sitting around all day watching adults eat and drink.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think everyone should boycott these child free weddings. I am older now but it never used to be a thing. And in my mind it really shouldn't be. I have never been to a child free wedding in my life Weddings are supposed to be about declaring your new relationship to a community of family and friends. Children are part of that community.

People don’t like kids. Other people’s kids are annoying.

DH and I got married in our mid 30s, the last of our "cohort". If we'd had extended family's children and friends' children at our wedding that would have been THIRTY FOUR extra places.

We didn't even have an official photographer so it certainly wasn't about the aesthetics.

What's the difference between boycotting and just not going?

If you boycott you get to feel smug while sitting on your own.

Do you never go out without your kids? Unless you need to have an overnight stay, an overreaction to a wedding invite

‘Non-negotiable’ = ‘if we allow your kids, we have to allow the groom’s godchildren, Titania-Meg and Sharkey, and there is not enough Valium in the world for Sharkey and his trombone’

Meh, my sibling didn't invite me to their wedding. It's not even an issue, never was and as people say it's an invite not a summons. It is really optional.

Until recently I would have said the same as you but if there are too many children in the family and social circle then it's a very different wedding.

I have just been to a wedding where there were 15 small children. Bride and groom are late 30s and have their own small children so they wanted to be welcoming. All great except it really did ruin the vibe. All the mums were absent half the time. I couldn't hold a conversation with a single mum as they were too busy with their toddler. During the speeches, half the room was empty as many took the kids out so they won't make noise. For the evening bit, lots of the mums disappeared as it was bedtime.

I myself left my baby with someone at home and basically ended up hanging out with my husband and the other husbands.

So the bride and groom could be thinking the above might happen and they would rather people leave their children behind or not come at all.

I remember my parents going to a child free wedding when I was about 8. I’m now mid 40s. So they were definitely at thing at least 40 years ago.

Sadly this is all too frequent along with entitled parents doing nothimg about their behaviour. I cant blame a couple for not wanting to risk this at their wedding.

Suspect a lot of it is because you can't actually trust parents to, you know, actually parent their kids these days.

I've seen the vows ruined by little Johnny running up behind the bride making noises and faces whilst the parents just looked on a smiled and did nothing because their kid was the centre of attention. Poor bride, felt sorry for her.

Child free weddings are better because they're more relaxed with no on worrying about looking after a noisy or disruptive child, who quite frankly is bored to tears.

So yes, YABU.

This is it in a nutshell. I most likely would politely decline an invitation to a child free wedding - no obvious childcare and not much fun as a prospect if we have to go for a weekend and can’t spend it as a family. So it would be “thanks but so sorry unable to attend” from me. But nobody is “selfish” to have an occasion on the terms they want to; you’re not obliged to go.

I completely agree. My cousin did the same thing, we are a tiny family but she valued friends over my two children. I fucked it off and didn’t go.

Well, if you have no childcare, you can’t go. If you do have childcare and could go, I think that disagreeing with child free weddings on principle is a poor excuse for not going.