To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

I think i"m missing the point because the two things are not analogous. Weddings are traditionally events for family and friends including children; soft play areas are traditionally for children who need parents with them to supervise - they are not traditionally places for lone adults.

I have a feeling our "disagreement" is a generational one. I am guessing that I am much older than you. The child free wedding feels like a fairly recent thing (for me recent could mean the last 30 years!) and I don't recall having heard about that during my childhood or when I was much younger. That could of course be due to memory loss!

@kandalama she is an empowered and liberated woman with a palate for champagne 🍾

@ZebedeeDougalFlorence , your tradition is not mine. In my many decades, I haven't been to a single wedding with a soft play area.

There have been single people at the weddings. Do you not invite widows, widowers, those who are happily/unhappily single, etc?
How discriminatory!

I never went to any weddings as a child (40 odd years ago)

... and long, boring speeches.

Traditionally for families and children? It doesn't matter what the so-called tradition is. You can do whatever you like for your own wedding - including not inviting anybody if that's what you want. Or not bothering to get married at all.

I think I need a great Aunt Flo

So many wind up posts today.

Not my experience (or 'tradition') @ZebedeeDougalFlorence
Nor that of many on this thread, as has already been said.

I didn't go to any weddings when I was a child, and, when I went to weddings as a young adult (in 80s and 90s), I rarely saw any children at any of them.

Come to that, there are no children in my parents' wedding photos (1950s)

Weddings being for adults only is definitely not a new thing.

And if people want to go to watch that in church to make a point they can.

I don't think you have correctly understood the meaning of the word selfish.

Anyway, having a bouncy castle and somse games did not make it a children's party. It was very much a wedding.

People who attend in our church aren’t making a point. They are simply going to their church to watch someone they know get married. Or just being there to light some candles for the couple.
The same with funerals, hundreds could turn up, they did for my parents and it’s lovely to know people care.

If OPs relatives are church goers and it’s their church they’ll know everyone anyway.

What has this got to do with the OP being demanding and selfish and throwing a minor tantrum because she can't make the bride and groom's choices for them?

If you read back over the running thread you might see.

At the same time, you would have to be an absolute twat to take your children to the church ceremony of a child free wedding.

Yes, OK, you're technically allowed to go and watch even if you don't know the couple from Adam.

But if they've specifically chosen to have a child free wedding, in part because they don't want their vows to be drowned out by noisy kids, and then you bring your noisy kids to the church anyway, there is something very wrong with you.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Oh, I see, you are saying that selfish, spiteful, hateful people can easily ignore the bride and groom's wishes to teach them the lesson that they should definitely avoid those people for the rest of their lives.

Yes, I suppose so.

Would be better if those selfish, spiteful hateful people just stayed away from the bride and groom altogether if they despise them enough to want to ignore their wishes on such an important day though. Far easier all round.

Thinking about this some more, I remember going to two weddings as a child. I was a bridesmaid at both. They were my aunties' weddings. I was also a babe in arms at my uncle's wedding but obviously I don't remember that. And I went to one of my mum's cousin's weddings.

I distinctly remember my parents going to other weddings, including several of their cousins' weddings, which we were definitely not invited to. I don't remember what they did with us but we didn't have any family living locally and my parents used babysitters quite a lot.

When we were very little my mum used to be a member of a babysitting circle where local mums who knew each other through the NCT would babysit each others' kids in exchange for tokens. I think nowadays a lot of people complain about the cost of babysitters but wouldn't give up an evening to babysit someone else's kids on a reciprocal basis.

Actually, I have just realised that I should have probably made it clear that I am UK born but from a different culture.

I’ve got kids and I love a child-free wedding - it’s good to get a day/night off and celebrate with the happy couple without having to worry what the kids are up to. If, practically speaking, that means you can’t attend, you just need to politely decline the invitation. I can’t fathom the arrogance that goes with demanding that people arrange their wedding to suit you.

I’ve got kids and I love a child-free wedding - it’s good to get a day/night off and celebrate with the happy couple without having to worry what the kids are up to

I agree, @Burngreave, though mine's an adult now, but a point perhaps being missed is that some parents are still effectively getting a child free event even when they take theirs along

Only too easy to palm them off on some member of the family "who hasn't seen them for years" and ignore the rampaging while getting pissed, and god forbid anyone suggests they might like to supervise them because they're "just being kids" and almost certainly "have ADHD"

That sounds ghastly. A bouncy castle??

They are allowed to have any type of wedding they want and you are allowed to choose whether or not to attend. Hope that helps

Weddings are long boring enough as an adult, why put children through that.

I had children at mine but that's because I had my friend's daughters as flower girls so couldn't really say no children. All the children went after the wedding breakfast though (and were probably bored rigid by then).

I had a child free wedding apart from close family and I wouldnt class a Cousins children as close family tbh, only siblings of the couple.

Its their wedding which they are probably paying a fortune for and frankly children are generally loud, annoying and attention grabbing. It's not unreasonable for you not to go if you dont have childcare but it's not selfish of them to want the perfect day they've pictured and paid for. I've been to weddings with my children and its nowhere near as fun, there were so many children it was more like a birthday party, definitely not wedding vibes and a line must be drawn somewhere. Our wedding nearly all of our friends had children by that point, the children could've added another 30 people to our list which is ridiculous.