To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

So yep, the OP is projecting her own selfishness. She's just a cousin, not close family, and no exemptions should be made for selfish people, ever. Really glad she's not going, for the sake of the bride and groom.

And, of course she is not REFUSING to go as nobody is trying to make her. She was just offered a lovely, polite invitation to have a lovely time, free food and dancing and fun with family. She's decided to decline. For her own sake, she should decline politely, but she sounds just about entitled enough to embarrass herself and make herself an outcast.

But really, how many more of these weird threads do there have to be? Every single time someone screams BUT MAH BABEEEZZZ and acts coercive, selfish and controlling over other people's weddings they are shot down in flames.

Every single time the vast, vast, vast majority tell these crackpots that no, they can't take their children to a child free wedding and no it's not even remotely selfish to have a child free wedding and that it's totally normal and has been going on forever not to have kids at your wedding, if that is your choice.

But they still keep coming, hoping that their selfish, over privileged coerciveness will be rewarded by agreement.

It's always going to be the same answer. So can we just let this nonsense go, forever?

Most wedding venues charge per head for the reception, and many, if not most, will have capacity limits. It can come down to a choice for the bride and groom - how many people can they include within their budget and the capacity limits of the venue, and do they fill those spaces with adults they really want there, or the children of other guests. I don't blame anyone for deciding they'd rather have adult friends and family rather than children they may not know at all, or hardly know.

I have been to weddings that allowed children - indeed, at one friend's wedding, we attended with a toddler and a newborn - and they were lovely events. I have also been to child free weddings, and had to find childcare for my dses, and those were equally lovely events, and in no way did I resent the bride and groom for saying they couldn't accommodate our children, even when, on one occasion, there were children who were close relatives in the wedding party and at the reception. In that case, the bride and groom tried to explain apologetically why some children, but not ours, were invited - and we assured them we understood completely, and supported their choice. I wonder now whether the reason they were being apologetic was that other guests had given them a hard time - I truly hope not.

There is enough stress in organising a wedding without guests giving you more grief about not having space for their children!

It’s usually a question of cost/space at the venue. Children other than very tiny ones will need a space at the table and a meal. So if there are a number of children in the family it can whack up costs considerably. Plus of course venues maybe totally unsuited to children who won’t be happy sitting for hours on end.

Lol reminds me why I don't like attending weddings. I tend to decline all day invites. Occasionally attend an evening part

As I’ve said in my posts B&Gs can chose how to celebrate the occasion as they wish.
My post however related to the ceremony, which is open to all.
I think you’ve missed the point of it.

Yes, we know that technically the ceremony is open to all.

But why would you take your kids to a wedding ceremony if they are not invited? Part of the reason they are not invited is likely because the bride and groom don't want their exchange of vows to be drowned out by wailing kids.

If you weren’t invited but went along.
Example a member of the local parish you’d just go anyway. When the bans are posted the B&G can’t include a caveat to refuse entry of all children.

If you are an invited person and it’s a no children wedding you either don’t go at all or you do but without your kids. That’s up to the guest. Their choice

That’s not what I’m posting on though.
As I said ( and tbh I’ve said a few times and it keeps getting deflected ) no one can be stopped attending OPs relatives ceremony. No one at all!

That’s the very simple issue of that part of the wedding that I was pointing out.

You’re not being “deflected”! We all know anyone can attend a church service. We know!!! (Not that OP has even said it IS a church wedding…)

The point you are somehow still spectacularly missing is that you would have to be a complete arse to go to the ceremony just because you could when you knew you weren’t wanted!

I don't really know how to make it any clearer.

Why would you bring an uninvited child to the church wedding ceremony of a child free wedding unless you were a complete arsehole who doesn't care about the fact that the bride and groom specifically wanted a child free ceremony?

When friends of ours got married the bride apologised that our DDs weren't invited but if they had invited all their friends' children there would have been over 20 children so other friends would have been excluded. I wasn't bothered in the slightest as it was an opportunity to socialise with a big group of friends.
I still took 4 year old DD1 to the church because she has been in church almost every Sunday since she was 10 days old so she knew how to behave plus the bride was her Sunday school teacher.

You still took your child to the church for a child-free wedding? It's irrelevant how well-behaved a child is; if it's child-free, then it's child-free for all. Bizarre.

Wow. 😬

That’s not what I’m posting on though.
As I said ( and tbh I’ve said a few times and it keeps getting deflected ) no one can be stopped attending OPs relatives ceremony. No one at all!

Of course they can, my ceremony was very much on private property.
Fucking mental to have the attitude that “no one can be stopped attending”.

This is absolutely crazy.

I was thinking the same. She 'wasn't bothered' about it being a child free wedding but she still insisted on taking her child to the part she wanted to?

Child-free a la carte.

It wasn't childfree. They had immediate family children there. A church service is public worship and is open to anyone who wants to attend; the bride and groom can't dictate who does or doesn't attend the church.

Where did I say that it was child free? They had children of immediate family there, just not friends' children. A church wedding is a public service which anyone can attend.

No, they can't dictate, but anyone with any social skills understands that their wishes should be respected.

It is truly unhinged behaviour to acknowledge your child isn’t invited to a wedding and take them to the ceremony anyway. Utterly nuts.

I would not be maintaining a friendship with someone who did that.

It’s so far beyond what is normal or appropriate behaviour.

Their original wishes had been to invite friends' children until they looked at the numbers. At no point did they say that children weren't wanted or welcome at the church. There were other children there.

The church service is a public event. Anyone can attend it.

So bloody-minded.

But you've been asked not to take your child

But most people who haven't been invited know not to.

Yes, children who were invited. Did you ask your friend beforehand if it was OK to bring your child to the ceremony?