To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

[AmpleDenimDreamer]

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

No, just continuously insisting her 16 year old wants nothing more than to be kicked out of his home and away from everything he knows whilst his parents fuck off to another country.

As for trying to justify it by comparing it to going to rural colleges etc, hilarious. Those are paths that those kids have chosen. And the parents are most likely in the same country so they can go home for bank holidays, half term etc.

This is two parents who obviously have an unhealthy relationship with cheating issues who are putting that above their child.

Can he do English system A levels where you're going? If not then it would be a terrible idea for him to move and really affect his uni options.

Perhaps a more traditional boarding school set up with a sixth form would be better and offer a bit more support and supervision?

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past.

oh it’s relevant op

Or perhaps telling her cheating DH to leave and focussing on herself and her son might be an even better option?

*edited as.i missed the OP update there has been infidelity - I thought that was conjecture by other posters!

OP Peter Simmons in Hampshire is a state sixth form with boarding

Lots of people start university at 17 in Scotland due to their different system and it seems to be fine for instance.

Most people who go to Uni from 5th year are students who live at home for the first year at least. I was at Glasgow Uni along time ago and the Glaswegians were all 16/17 but the students in Halls were all older and noticably more mature, a year ir two makes a big difference at that age. I did know one girl in our Halls who was just 16 and she went completely off the rails without parental supervision.

I wouldn't do this.

I had friends who stayed in the Uk boarding while parents wokred overseas and they all - without exception - got into enormous trouble. drugs/ partying/ nobody watching over them on weekends etc.

You are going to keep an eye on your H who you can't trust to keep his dick in his pants. Rather than caring for your son.

How many times have you needed to call an ambulance in the last 12 months? I assume you're not with him 24 hours a day so what currently happens when he becomes unwell and you're not home?

Parent your child, not your husband.

If you all are all dead set on this he needs to be living with family/friends or boarding so there will be adequate supervision. I think you are underestimating how much your cheeky chappy will be able to hide from you while you're abroad.

Struggled with infidelity..........
Its a choice! Not a struggle.
Have some respect for yourself

I think it's pretty clear that the OP is just going to bury her head in the sand and pretend that her 16 year old son can't wait to be left alone.

He'll get into absolutely no trouble at all (obviously he'll be completely honest with her if he does though as 16 year olds are known for their honesty!).

OP will insist it's no different to kids in boarding school (it is nothing like - kids in boarding school are basically parented. Plus they get to go home at weekends, bank holidays, half term etc), no different to kids going to rural colleges (their choice, their parents aren't fucking off and leaving them) and that if anything goes wrong, she will put him on the first flight to where she is, moving him away from all his friends and everything he knows (and his brother who he is allegedly very close to).

Purely because she doesn't trust her husband to keep it in his pants.

To be fair it doesn't sound like he "struggled" with infidelity at all!

Child marriage absolutely has been socially acceptable and still is in many countries but that's another story.

The definition of "child" in the UK has been under 18 for quite some time, hence why a 16 yo needed parental permission to get married, before the govt realised that children shouldn't be getting married.

There's also a big difference between a 16 yo who decides to move out, whilst having a secure base with parents if they need it, and the parents buggering off to a foreign country because hubby needs babysitting to keep him faithful, leaving a 16 yo with a choice of abandoning his education and social circle, or staying alone.

My DD left home at 16 for college but she was only a couple of hours drive away! I don't think I would have coped very well being out of the country but she would have been fine as everything went smoothly. The trouble is when things don't go smoothly and Mum isn't there to soothe the brow and hug it all better

I'm not quite sure why you've asked if yabu when you've clearly made your mind up, you only agree with the very few who think it's OK.
I feel very sorry for your son who is having his Mum leave the country because his Dad likes to have affairs and needs supervising.

Back to the topic and I went to a residential college from the age of 16 - 19, I had the time of my life and loved every minute, I also got up to a lot of stuff that my parents never knew about, all of us regularly got very drunk and would be off out in someone's car to pubs and clubs.
I doubt very much times have changed.

I often went home for weekends and would've hated to think my parents were in another country, teens might not admit it but they really do need the security of having their parents nearby.

What would your son do for all the weeks over Easter, Christmas, Summer and half term holidays?

I think it’s awful you’re planning on leaving the country before your DS completes his A-levels. It’s interesting too that you mention he’ll fly out to you during holidays, etc - nothing about you flying back to visit him. Most 16 year old’s will want to spend time with their friends over the holidays, or be in a place for weeks where they don’t know anyone.

In effect, you’re abandoning your child to go with your DH because you’re worried he’ll be off with other women in your absence.

I can’t see a single upside to this. Your DH isn’t doing a huge amount to keep the family together. Are you sure he is worth it?

I was thinking the same. I left home at 16 and I’ve made it to my forties unscathed.

She's already said he will fly out to see them because she doesn't want to leave her husband on his own for even a week. Because of his severe medical condition of course 🙄

I'm sure her son (the "social, cheeky lad" as OP called him) would quite like to see his friends from home over the holidays if he's that sociable. But unfortunately Dad can't keep it in his pants so as a result, he gets to spend his term time in a college (with occasional drop-ins from his 25 year old brother apparently) and then holidays in another country where he knows nobody.

If you think your DS is potentially capable of coping with this independence without being stupid and there's an older brother around to keep an eye on things then I'd give it a try. I cannot understand these posters who are horrified you're even considering this and giving you so much grief. It's not that different to going off to boarding school for 6th form and having to learn to stand on your own two feet. It sounds like there's a plan B in place for if he can't cope with it or shows he's not mature enough to be trusted like this. It will either work or not and you've been very clear about what will happen if he goes off the rails.

I know most 18yos struggle a bit with the move to uni and the need to 'adult'.

I would want to know a lot about the Halls set up.

Are they catered - fully? Or would your DS need to be sorting shopping, cooking, washing up, cleaning etc?
What security do they have - what checks are done if he goes off grid for a few hours. What happens if he is ill? Would anyone know if he just didn't come back one evening?
Who is he living with - do they have their own rooms, bathroom facilities etc
How does his washing get done?
What is there to occupy him at the weekends, holidays etc? I think you are expecting a lot of his brother - surely he has a life , a job, a partner? He isn't going to want to devote all his spare time to looking after his brother. That's not fair on him.

All of this on top of motivation for doing college work, attending college is a lot to ask of a 16yo.

And the cost must be astronomic if uni halls are anything to go by.

I find it difficult to accept that your DH may not be able to call an ambulance, but trusting that your 16yo would if necessary.

Thinking about this again, I’m incredulous that you’re even thinking this but it sounds like you’ve your flight tickets booked! In effect, you are casting your DS aside, taking away his family home and abandoning him. It’s nonsense to say, he can come with us if he likes, it’s his choice to stay. You know full well that very few 16 year olds would want to upsticks and go live in a different country.

Where’s your DS to live during school holidays ??

You have children and need to be prepared to take care of them until they are at least 18 yo. Not taking their family home away from them and flying off to another country with a flippant, they can come if they want to ….

Honestly OP, this kind of makes no sense. You say you need the rent from UK house to pay rent on Overseas house but you also say boarding school is an option, which unless it's a state boarding school it's probably not, based on cost. Also you've now got the costs associated with your DS's accommodation/ living expenses which you wouldn't have if you just stayed here.

There is also a massive massive difference in supervision levels between VI form boarding at a school and what you're proposing. Boarding schools generally don't let them out on weekday evenings for a start and there still a fair bit of structure to downtime and a lot of pastoral support./ boundaries around behaviour. Does the college your DS would attend actually have any jurisdiction over what they do when living in the halls?

My DC go to boarding school, so I'd probably lean more favourably to your proposal than most, but honestly, I think this is crazy given what you've said about the set up and your DC's personality. I think there's a big risk that he either drops out or massively underperforms.

I don’t think anyone is suggesting he won’t survive. I think people are saying that, given the choice, they might prioritise their son’s education over a faithless husband.