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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has any experience of DC moving away for college (not uni)

242 replies

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 09:30

DS is 16 and about to do his GCSE’s. Life circumstances mean me and DH are going to have to leave the country for at least a couple of years due to DH’s job requiring us to move. DS is adamant that he would hate to come with us and doesn’t want to leave the UK.

He's found a college about 45 minutes drive away from where currently live that offers accommodation in a ‘halls of residence’ style. His brother (25) would still live here so he could stop with him some weekends and we’d be able to pay for DS to fly out to see us for holidays. To be clear it is DS pushing for this, not us. I also wonder if it wouldn’t do him good to get some independence. Does anyone have any experience of this and AIBU to consider it?

OP posts:
PinataHeeHaw · 03/04/2025 11:39

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:29

I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant but DH has struggled with infidelity in the past. This is something we’ve both worked through and our marriage is stronger because of it. I think a marriage takes work to keep things going and I worry the impact of an extended period of separation. This is secondary to my main concern of what happens if has an episode whilst living alone and no one is there to call an ambulance.

But what about the effect this will have on your 16 year old child? Fuck your husband! Your child is the one who matters. If your H has cheated in the past, he'll do it again, regardless of whether you're in the same country or not. Opportunities are always there.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:40

whatswrongwivme · 03/04/2025 11:36

This thread has been quite an eye-opener for me!

Especially the unanimity of responses saying he cannot or should not be left with only his 25 year old brother to look out for him as and when.

50 years ago I left home at 16 rented a bedsit and began commuting to my job in the City of London. My older sister married at 16 and did not work; she was home alone all day, responsible for the household budget, meals, etc whilst her 18 year old husband worked. My mum started work at 14.

Are children becoming less mature, dependent for longer?

Well we used to walk 100 miles to work and back uphill in both directions in a blizzard all year round and live off small pieces of coal but it doesn't mean it was OK

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:40

whatswrongwivme · 03/04/2025 11:36

This thread has been quite an eye-opener for me!

Especially the unanimity of responses saying he cannot or should not be left with only his 25 year old brother to look out for him as and when.

50 years ago I left home at 16 rented a bedsit and began commuting to my job in the City of London. My older sister married at 16 and did not work; she was home alone all day, responsible for the household budget, meals, etc whilst her 18 year old husband worked. My mum started work at 14.

Are children becoming less mature, dependent for longer?

I think your circumstances are different, was it right at the time, probably.

But OP is wanting to do this so she can be with her husband as she doesn't trust him.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:41

"I am so sorry darling but I will need to leave you here on your own because unfortunately your Father can't keep it in his pants"

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:42

So now we have the truth OP do you still think leaving your 16 year old son in the UK whilst you go off abroad to supervise a grown man who has no respect for you or your marriage is the right decision..................

FlagDay · 03/04/2025 11:42

My DS moved away to a specialist college after GCSEs. He stays with a host family during the week, but I would have been equally happy with a Halls environment . It’s been a massive success, he’s loved pursuing his studies in an area he’s passionate about. He’s coming to the end of his second year now and I have no regrets at all.

MrsSunshine2b · 03/04/2025 11:42

whatswrongwivme · 03/04/2025 11:36

This thread has been quite an eye-opener for me!

Especially the unanimity of responses saying he cannot or should not be left with only his 25 year old brother to look out for him as and when.

50 years ago I left home at 16 rented a bedsit and began commuting to my job in the City of London. My older sister married at 16 and did not work; she was home alone all day, responsible for the household budget, meals, etc whilst her 18 year old husband worked. My mum started work at 14.

Are children becoming less mature, dependent for longer?

Child marriage is certainly no longer socially acceptable if that's what you mean.

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:43

FlagDay · 03/04/2025 11:42

My DS moved away to a specialist college after GCSEs. He stays with a host family during the week, but I would have been equally happy with a Halls environment . It’s been a massive success, he’s loved pursuing his studies in an area he’s passionate about. He’s coming to the end of his second year now and I have no regrets at all.

Again different circumstances, I presume you are still in the uk? He is with family and you're not doing it so you can keep a tight leash on your husband who cannot keep his wandering hands to himself?

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:43

FlagDay · 03/04/2025 11:42

My DS moved away to a specialist college after GCSEs. He stays with a host family during the week, but I would have been equally happy with a Halls environment . It’s been a massive success, he’s loved pursuing his studies in an area he’s passionate about. He’s coming to the end of his second year now and I have no regrets at all.

And was the decision to do that made on the fact it was the best thing for him or because your husband has "issues with infidelity"?

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 11:44

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:08

The big difference here is the parents are still in the same bloody country and presumably could get there within a few hours.........

Show quote history

Hmm that's not necessarily true. For example a kid in Dover and parents in Calais are in a different country but less than 2 hours away. Kid in Durham and parents in Cornwall. Same country but takes much longer

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:45

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 11:44

Hmm that's not necessarily true. For example a kid in Dover and parents in Calais are in a different country but less than 2 hours away. Kid in Durham and parents in Cornwall. Same country but takes much longer

Show quote history

Point taken.

FlagDay · 03/04/2025 11:46

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:43

And was the decision to do that made on the fact it was the best thing for him or because your husband has "issues with infidelity"?

Show quote history

Fair point!

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/04/2025 11:46

I’m from a rural area and it’s common to move away for what would be the equivalent of college here. There’s not a lot available locally so if you want to study something else, that’s your option.

Some people stayed in half boards, most just rent a bedroom. I started as soon as I turned 16, in my class alone there were another 3.

We never heard of any sordid stories or anyone going wrong. It was fine.

Original poster
AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:47

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/04/2025 11:46

I’m from a rural area and it’s common to move away for what would be the equivalent of college here. There’s not a lot available locally so if you want to study something else, that’s your option.

Some people stayed in half boards, most just rent a bedroom. I started as soon as I turned 16, in my class alone there were another 3.

We never heard of any sordid stories or anyone going wrong. It was fine.

Edited

Exactly.

OP posts:
Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:48

AmpleDenimDreamer · 03/04/2025 11:47

Exactly.

Show quote history

Again OP why are you only quoting and agreeing with certain posters - none of whom are doing what you're doing!

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:49

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/04/2025 11:46

I’m from a rural area and it’s common to move away for what would be the equivalent of college here. There’s not a lot available locally so if you want to study something else, that’s your option.

Some people stayed in half boards, most just rent a bedroom. I started as soon as I turned 16, in my class alone there were another 3.

We never heard of any sordid stories or anyone going wrong. It was fine.

Edited

Presumably your parents were still at home, you were still in the UK and your mother wasn't leaving you in one country and going to another to keep an firm hand on her husbands penis as he can't be trusted to leave it where it belongs

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:50

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 03/04/2025 11:46

I’m from a rural area and it’s common to move away for what would be the equivalent of college here. There’s not a lot available locally so if you want to study something else, that’s your option.

Some people stayed in half boards, most just rent a bedroom. I started as soon as I turned 16, in my class alone there were another 3.

We never heard of any sordid stories or anyone going wrong. It was fine.

Edited

Just because you never heard of any sordid stories or anything going wrong doesn't mean there wasn't.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:50

I've just posted this on another thread too but, has anybody else noticed some of these usernames that seem to all be very similar at the moment?

CosyNavyLeader
AmpleDenimDreamer
GutsyPeachExpert

Are just a few from today and yesterday with the exact same setup (description, colour, noun) and no previous posts or comments.... ?

Seems a bit off.....

hjokhjjjkkkd · 03/04/2025 11:52

It just seems really sad your child has 2 years of ‘childhood’ left (I appreciate it’s not childhood in the younger sense, but it’s not entirely over!) and your DH is choosing this. My DH has just turned down a promotion because it would mean needing to move either the whole family, or just him, to another part of the country. Our eldest is 15 and our priority right now is ensuring their stability as they finish school, and enjoying these last years as a ‘young’ family. I think it’s a very selfish decision, you haven’t got long left.

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:52

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:50

I've just posted this on another thread too but, has anybody else noticed some of these usernames that seem to all be very similar at the moment?

CosyNavyLeader
AmpleDenimDreamer
GutsyPeachExpert

Are just a few from today and yesterday with the exact same setup (description, colour, noun) and no previous posts or comments.... ?

Seems a bit off.....

Its when new members join they can get a randomly generated UN and they follow that pattern
It can be a good way to spot new users though and their first posts

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:53

Lanzarotelady · 03/04/2025 11:48

Again OP why are you only quoting and agreeing with certain posters - none of whom are doing what you're doing!

Show quote history

I imagine because facing reality isn't a particular strength

hjokhjjjkkkd · 03/04/2025 11:53

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:50

I've just posted this on another thread too but, has anybody else noticed some of these usernames that seem to all be very similar at the moment?

CosyNavyLeader
AmpleDenimDreamer
GutsyPeachExpert

Are just a few from today and yesterday with the exact same setup (description, colour, noun) and no previous posts or comments.... ?

Seems a bit off.....

Same username pattern for all those threads that start “to think that…[insert controversial opinion]” then disappear.

Starlight1984 · 03/04/2025 11:54

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 11:52

Its when new members join they can get a randomly generated UN and they follow that pattern
It can be a good way to spot new users though and their first posts

Show quote history

Ah right ok that makes sense!

User5274959 · 03/04/2025 11:56

I would just add in that my dd was very high performing at gcse and coped well with that but I have been really surprised how tough she's found the transition to A levels and how much emotional support she's needed from me the first year of sixth form.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 03/04/2025 11:56

MrsSunshine2b · 03/04/2025 11:42

Child marriage is certainly no longer socially acceptable if that's what you mean.

Show quote history

Child marriage was never acceptable. But the meaning of 'child' has changed. That is the point @whatswrongwivme is making.

Yes, in our society young people are generally less mature and are dependent for longer, compared to 50 or 100 years ago.
This is due to changes in upbringing and society, not any biological change in the young people themselves.
Which means that a 16 year old who has been raised to be responsible and independent will usually meet those expectations, whereas a 16 year old who has been over-protected and sheltered and had few responsibilities will be very immature by comparison.

I see nothing wrong with OP's plan for her son to live away from home to study at age 16.