New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

[innersilentscreams]

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

He’s an expert gaslighter

You’re amazing @innersilentscreams - stay strong. What does he mean about things to discuss? Joint accounts etc?

Maybe bullet point to him the things there are to discuss, practical things, if any, and say messages are more than sufficient to cover them. If indeed there is anything to manage in this way?

Emotionally it’s done and any discussions about that will just be more pressure and bullshit from him, so you’re totally right that it’s not in your interest to jump to fulfil his demands!

What if you sent a message saying

It doesn’t matter what we talk about you are never going to move back in here. So if you think by talking I will “come round” and your feet will be back under this table in the not too distant future think again.

Might sort out his motivation, because I still think it’s more that he can pretend to be an adult with a house, your house, letting his kids trash it and behaving like feral brats, but without you bankrolling his housing it becomes much harder.

Or send another message, All I need to know is where to send your stuff. Should it go to your parent’s house and you can sort it from there? I am only going to hold onto it to for a month so you need to let me know soon or it’s being chucked.

Don’t stress OP. Or get in a spin.

I don't like to criticise your mum, I don't know her but assume she's a kind, caring mother to you. However, I think she's completely wrong and can't understand why she appears to be taking his side. As a mother, my instincts would be to protect you from someone who was treating you very badly and letting his undisciplined kids run amok and destroy your personal equilibrium.

I hope you're able to say to your mum that you'd like her support here and if she feels unable to support you then she needs to keep her unhelpful opinions to herself.

Wishing you (and your cat) peace and happiness.

Who are the 3% of people who have said you are being unreasonable????

Stay strong, you are doing so well.

Can you set up a separate email to use with him? - "I'm too busy and really don't have the inclination to meet you. We can discuss separating the finances here - email@neveragain.
I won't be answering any further text messages."

That also gives you a written paper trail of what is agreed.

Block his number from your phone.

Gosh OP those SK sound awful. They are headed in the direction of ending up as starring roles in a thread about useless husbands in 10 years time. I am so glad you are out of it.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

Your mum sounds as if she has some internalised misogyny and a fixed idea about how your life should be.

My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception
does this happen with her in other scenarios? It’s an effect of being manipulated and gaslighted. If it’s a pattern you’re familiar with, it may be that she has effectively groomed you to accept this sort of behaviour- his and hers.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.
His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

So he lies and gaslights you. No wonder you were so unhappy. It’s the most damaging behaviour I ever encountered in a relationship, I was quite broken by the time I left.

Are there things to discuss, or does he just want there to be because he thinks he can manipulate you easier face to face (probably true as he can overwhelm you and not give you time to process, and I imagine it’s always worked in the past)?

"No, you haven't apologised this time and you are well aware this has upset me. I don't think there's any point in meeting up when nothing is going to change, and you are denying what's actually happened".

Send him that. And tell your mum that you and her see it very differently, so you don't want to talk about it anymore. You would just like her support and love as your mum.

He is thinking of easter holidays and if he meets you he will bully you.

Mr Snarling is focused on what he wants.
He's a liar.

Sadly when I read about mothers like yours it explains so much.

How you accepted being treated so appallingly in your own home.

How you stayed in the relationship accepting his shocking behaviour and that of his children.

Your mother is toxic.

No decent mother would ever want their child to remain in such a dreadful situation being used.

Your mother does.
She is a disgrace to motherhood.

I know that must be hard to read, but it is the truth.

Your mothers focus is a man at any cost.
Send a daughter who is being abused back for more because she made her bed by choosing him.

Your head is exploding because your gut is the only thing that wants to protect you.

Please mute your mother.
Protect yourself from him and sadly your mother too.

Neither care about you as a person.

My dm wasn't happy I was splitting from exdh. "But he's such a nice man". Yes he is that wasn't why we split. There was much more going on. I lost my rag.

Dh now is a very nice man without the other shit.

I would never take the side of dcs partners unless dcs had done something bad. You haven't.

Has he your mum's contact details or vice versa? Do you think he's spinning her a poor me story? Regardless, your mum needs to keep out of it. As your mum, she should be supporting your decision or staying quiet. Please don't doubt yourself. He and the toxic twosome are bad news

@innersilentscreams well, if your mum is so accepting of the kids’ behaviour you could relax and let go at her house. Munch a bag of crisps then wipe you hands on her cushions. Pick your nose and flick it across the room. Toss that crisp bag behind her sofa…..somehow I don’t think she’d go for any of it. You get to pass on peeing on her loo, that’s too hard without the correct equipment!

He’s panicking because it’s the Easter holidays and he’s lost his nanny with a fanny to dump his offspring on.

He e KNOWS what the issue is he’s just doing the equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears and going la la la la

My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, @innersilentscreams

Your mother's attitudes and beliefs are what conditioned you in the first place to accept it and put up with it for so long.

I once told my dm that my then-DH didn't know how to iron and just expected I'd do it, which I thought was ridiculous, then when we were splitting up she threw it back at me saying "maybe you should have done his ironing and this wouldn't be happening" wtf??

It was so out there and not what was happening that I suddenly saw it for what it was, her internalised misogyny, which had conditioned me to not realise sooner that exdh was a misogynistic nob.

Look after yourself lass, you're going through a rotten time and mum isn't helping x

Yes, bullet points covering things like:

• his / his children’s stuff has been bagged up - can he come and collect it on {date}?
• joint investments and account - xyz is what needs to happen - can he sign the form;
• the WiFi password has been changed - does he want to take the cameras.

There isn’t much else.

I don’t care if this makes me sound ageist OP but I would not take any relationship advice from my parents’ generation. I watched the women in my family put up with so much shit all their lives in order to keep things going and am so proud to see that my generation and the generation of women after me are not like that. Don’t put up with shitty men because guess what? You don’t have to. We can now look after ourselves, earn our own money and keep our own homes. A partner should enhance all those things, not take away from them.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.
From YOUR point of view what do you think needs discussing? Him collecting his belongings doesn't need a discussion, it just needs you sending ONE text giving a time, date, place and a statement saying it will go to the tip if not picked up. That's it. So what is left to discuss after that?

Your response should be "there is nothing to discuss, it is over, please pick up your belongings at date, time, place or tip".

As for your mum - Mum you don't know what really happened, you don't know how he treated me, you have never been the focus of his anger. Why should I accept living with an angry man? If you want to then I suggest he lives with you, otherwise consider this relationship is over and I don't want to discuss getting back together. However I am happy to discuss why you think I am not worthy of having a decent man in my life and why you think I should accept abuse and manipulation.

Stay strong 💪

Re mums... This year my DD3 split with her long term partner (of more than a decade). He and I had always had a great time together, we had a lot in common, I was very fond of him and very proud of his achievements while they were together.

I have not uttered one word in his defence to my DD and have done nothing but reinforce her view that she was right to split with him. It is my job to defend HER, to support HER and be on HER side, whatever I might feel about her ex and the split.

However much I liked him, I didn't have to live with him. She will always be my daughter. Your mum, OP, would do well to remember that.

Agreed. If it's during the Easter holidays, OP should be prepared to walk away if he turns up with the kids.

Agreed.

I worked in secondary schools for 40 yrs. I can count the number of snot wipers on one hand - and they were always feral, misogynistic boys who were deliberately marking their territory in the most repulsive manner.

Her ex's out-of-control offspring are bad enough now. Can you imagine trying to cope with them when they're older?

@innersilentscreams you could say ‘the only things we need to discuss are x, y and z’ where x y and z relate to practical things (like investments you mentioned etc) and you can also say ‘we can talk about those on the phone’. He doesn’t get to tell you. And your Mum needs to hear you say ‘it’s over Mum’ (I’m sure you have said that - I mean she has to come to terms with it). Glad you are enjoying the peace and quiet.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

''Mum, I'd rather be on my own with the cat than be miserable with a twat!'' You don't need the mug to mean it!

Don't meet him, OP. He's relying on you weakening.

Remember, he was onto a VERY good thing with you and he is going to be desperate to keep it. YOU had the short end of the straw.

Fuck him. The entire straw is YOURS!!

Both your ex-DP and your mum think that your wellbeing comes far below the needs/wants of DP and his feral children.

I think you only put up with their disgusting behaviour for so long because of the way that your mum raised you not to value yourself and to put men and their children first.

He thinks that he can meet up with you and convince you that you were in the wrong. Do not give him this opportunity. They made you totally miserable in your own home. Neither your DP nor his kids showed you any respect. They are incapable of changing as the issues that led to your DP allowing his kids to abuse and disrespect you and your property/belongings are too deep rooted and entrenched to be easily fixed.