New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

[innersilentscreams]

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

Well done OP. 100% you did the right thing. Prepare for a change in approach from him as he realises the gravy train has left the station. He had it so good - all he needed to do was assert a tiny bit of control on the kids or even just sympathise with you and not dismiss you hat could have gone a long way. More fool him. The relationship has been wrecked because he couldn't give you any consideration. From here, you could get anger or even something resembling an apology from him. Stick to your guns and ignore him. You've done brilliantly. Enjoy the peace and quiet!

Say you cannot meet him as you are far too busy steam cleaning his kids snot out of your sofa.
Glad you are free if him, enjoy your lovely new peaceful life with puss.

I remember your original thread. I'm so pleased to read how you have taken control and stuck to your guns. Your life is going to be so much better now. And your cat's.

Thank you for the update OP, hope you got your locks changed and the security camera sorted. I hope you and your cat have a lovely peaceful time.

This is excellent news, I both very proud of and really pleased for you.

Do not meet him, communicate by text/email when it suits you. (Remember the other thread where the ex turned up with the kids at the house and then in the park as am attempted guilt trip? Luckily the OP had a sister to help.)

If you absolutely have to go meet him for something (closing a joint account?) take a friend with you or contact your advisor before the meeting to say that this is a break up with risk of manipulation and you'd like it to be as efficient as possible. Many banks are signed up to the financial abuse protection charter and although this situation is not FA, you can use that general awareness to ensure the advisor backs you up in just getting everything signed.

Other than that, enjoy your calm, clean house. Once the kids' furniture is gone, maybe you'd like a home office, or a room to do yoga or crafts in, maybe you even want a ridiculously huge dressing room. You can do what you like, it's your house. Enjoy your snot- and crisp-free sofas, and treat yourself to a film or a book in your living room without a teenager yelling BORING at the side of your face. It sounds like heaven. xx

OP

I hope you have made sure that he has no way of getting into your house. If you haven't, please change the locks!! No matter the cost it will be the best investment you'll ever make.

Otherwise you can come back from work with him having brought his kids over and refusing to leave. (Yes even if it's not his day / evening to have them.) Trying to make you the horrid bad guy. And even if you call the police, they might just say it's a civil matter. He could just show them a letter with his name at your address.

And also disconnect those cameras that he has access to - otherwise he'll watch for when you've left the house and get in as above.

The refusal to accept any responsibility for a situation of his own making is stunning.

You're well out of it.

Cat is no doubt punching the air.

Bump up for the pp who said change locks ?

So glad to read this, OP. Well done you. 💐🐺

I'm appalled at the situation you were in and incredibly impressed with the strength you had to have to get him out. He's not doing his kids any favours as we all know and you've 100% done the right thing. Enjoy your peace!

To whoever linked the Shark Cage article, thank you SO much. I have forwarded it (and the pdf of the full article, which is linked at the end) to my daughters and will keep reading it myself. I wish I had had the tools to build my cage before I got stuck in a 25 year abusive relationship. Now out of it but the damage done is extensive and I'm well aware I need to keep working on mine.

Fantastic update! Very similar behaviour to an ex of mine and I could see the early signs escalating towards this sort of situation so I slowed it down and made the end ‘my fault’ by just going a little quieter on him so he would get annoyed and just ‘safely’ end it himself. Look forward to reading your update later! ♥️

Plus Easter school hols are starting!

Keep us updated. We are SO with you 👏👏

It's good he hasn't apologised. It might weaken your resolve.

Have you changed the locks?

One thing I spotted in one of your updates is that the kids behave similarly badly at his parents' house, eg throwing food onto the floor which is not to their liking. His parents are frightened to reprimand them because they might refuse to visit, so it would seem that a high opinion of the privilege of their company, such that withdrawing it is the ultimate threat, is a family trait.
As a PP said, their mother would be seriously put out if everybody who previously provided breaks just calmly agreed that their provision of hospitality is below the SKs' exacting standards, and perhaps it might be better to give it a miss.....just as we approach the Easter holidays.
It is hard to feel kindly for such horrors as they have become, but long-term I see two young people hopelessly unready for life in the real world; however it is most definitely not your problem to solve.
Plus, as I have said before in another context, "cats before twats"

I'm blinded by your shiny spine!

Really well done and your life is already better. Once you get the financial ties severed, you and Cat are good to go. Enjoy your peace.

Doing the happy dance for you ! And for Cat 💃🏼😻

It's going to be a lovely weekend OP, you and cat could read in the garden in peace. Imagine that :-)

He is missing the house, the pretending to be a grown up on your account, now he has to either fund his own housing and tidy up after his own "they're only children", or sit with his mum and dad. Oh dear. Not such the big independent man now.

He is trying the softly softly catchy monkey approach at the moment. Do you think it will change to anger or fizzle out? Be prepared for any developing reactions.

Personally ignore for a week or so and perhaps then broach sorting out combined finances, is this "big money" can you wait for it? I presume the first step is to shut down the joint account and return any money to whomever put it in.

But if you don't need to you can forget about it until after the long Easter weekend.

Hope you have a peaceful, tidy, quiet weekend. Rejunative.

Good for you for staying strong 💪 OP

If he does apologise though would you take him back? I would hope not after all they put you through.

At least you and your cat can now move freely around the house now. I bet that feels good.

As I said at the very end of your last thread

Feministwoman · 31/03/2025 22:09

innersilentscreams · 30/03/2025 16:17
We have security cameras but he has access to them via his phone, I don't (only as I wasn't bothered at the time). I'm not worried about him becoming violent, luckily x
Show quote history
So he can see you going in and out of YOUR home, even though he's not there? He can watch your movements, remotely?
But you can't see who is coming to YOUR house, on YOUR devices, because HE has sole control of the security devices app on HIS phone?
😱😱😱😱😱
I'd be disconnecting the security devices immediately, until you can get control of them (and the viewing app) away from him.

Please, say you've done this?

Good for you.

He won’t apologize because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, and doesn’t want to acknowledge anything that would require him to change (and put the effort in with his children!). It’s also a pride issue, imo. I suspect he believes he has the power in your dynamic, and by apologizing he would be giving it up.

He also thinks you’re weak. He wants to meet in person because he thinks you’ll be easy to manipulate if you’re face to face.

The anger will kick in soon. Right now he thinks he can talk you round, but that will soon switch to ‘fuck you’ the longer he’s not getting what he wants. When this comes, expect him to hit straight at your insecurities. He knows your vulnerabilities, and what you have trusted him with he will use against you. He will want to hurt you. Recognize it for what it is: an angry man lashing out because he’s not getting his way. Prepare yourself, you can sidestep a blow when you can see it coming.

Oh yes...

Oh dear, how sad, never mind.

Tee hee.

The latest update is that locks are changed, wifi password changed and I feel safe, so please don't worry.

he has messaged saying that all he had done was 'mediate' that night by putting across his point of view about the childrens' behaviour. Not apologosing or acknowleding the disrespect. Nothing about the fact that he didn't offer to work on the rubbish, gaming, rude and homophobis comments.

I continue to just enjoy my peace and quiet with the cat xx

But even if he had, you’d have hopefully ignored anyway

Well done OP.

How weird of him.
Does he not realise he has been dumped?

Glad you booted him out and can enjoy your home.