Page 15 | New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

innersilentscreams · 2025-04-03T04:55:27+00:00

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat). I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support! He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety. Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse. He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 16:08

diddl · 09/04/2025 11:36

He said about it: 'The lamp was old anyway so I don't think they (his parents) mind.'
I was incredulous.

Were you really though going on past behaviour?

Sorry, incensed should be what I felt; I'm way past incredulity with him and what he allows the kids to do in other peoples' homes now!

OP posts:

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 16:14

If he ever moves in with a partner who has children of her own, he’ll be accusing her of playing favourites

I even said to him when he collected his stuff and told me he had told the kids I had a problem with their mess as I'm not a mum, 'what mother in her right mind, who has kids she has taught manners to, is going to put up with their lounge being used as a rubbish dump and video gaming emporium by someone else's kids?'
He didn't have an answer. I told him I also thought it was sexist of him to say that, as though women should just be willing to put up with mens' and boys' and mess, like it's something we should tolerate.

OP posts:

diddl · 09/04/2025 16:14

If it were me, I would be fixing things, changing, wanting my partner to know I would never treat them that way again, and seek to prove this to them.

Would you trust his motives though?

He obviously thought very little of you & that he could treat you & your house like shit but that you were so enamoured of him you'd put up with it!

Stravaig · 09/04/2025 16:18

we've had a (seemingly) happy relationship for 4 years and he has let things end like this.

Hang on. This isn't right though, is it?

You're lapsing into thinking everything's been hunky dory, until he just now made a wee mess, that he's not cleaning up.

Reality is, he's been an abusive arse for the entire time, and you've been going along with it (for reasons you will examine and revise) ... until now.

Mark your inner maps ~ There be dangerous thought patterns lurking here ~

TokyoKyoto · 09/04/2025 16:18

It must have felt good to get it off your chest, and to get his things out of your house.

He’s not cut out to be a proper parent, maybe his sadness was the penny dropping for him.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/04/2025 16:23

Glad you got it off your chest and also the further evidence he is never ever going to change.

I wonder when it will dawn on him that his kids behaviour is HIS fault, HIS problem and will cause them problems later in life. Probably when they're in their 20s still expecting him to support them, fix everything for them, and showing him zero respect whatsoever! Hahahahaha.

TheLavenderLantern · 09/04/2025 16:29

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 15:53

Good point. He is so passive, and I just think it shows that he really doesn't/didn't care enough.
If it were me and I had completely fucked up, my god, I would be calling, speaking, being an adult, proving I was so so sorry, and saying how I would fix things, how I would change.

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He will be … don’t fall for it.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2025 16:38

@innersilentscreams

It pisses me off that we've had a (seemingly) happy relationship for 4 years and he has let things end like this.

But how truly happy was it really? Seems to me you've been pushing down frustration and anger for quite some time, maybe the entire 4 years, and calling it happiness. We can bury our true emotions when we really want something (like a happy relationship) and only let the 'surface' emotions show ("Wasn't that a lovely day", "Didn't we enjoy XYZ") to convince ourselves that we are 'deeply' happy, when what we really have is moments of happiness that we cling to.

And yes, his apparent passivity and his reframing is infuriating. But that's who he's always been. It's just that you've reached your breaking point. We ALL have a breaking point and it usually comes as a surprise when we reach it because we've been ignoring the fact that it's getting nearer and nearer.

He didn't fight, because it's not in him to do so. He wants the easy road and now that you aren't smoothing the road for him, he's just given up after a token resistance. He knows that he'd have to do hard work, on himself and his children and he'd simply 'rather not'. So he'll try to sell you his 'regret' to make you feel guilty and accept the blame, when the blame is his. Don't let his laziness and entitlement use up your emotional 'coin' in sadness. Spend your emotional 'coin' on something worthwhile, like acceptance of his failures and acknowledgement that you are far better off without him.

twoshedsjackson · 09/04/2025 16:48

While I have some sympathy for his parents, who are now enduring his passive acceptance of the unacceptable behaviour of his offspring, I think you can probably see a generational pattern emerging.
You mentioned in an early post that they were dismissive of your boundaries concerning how you liked your home to be kept, not all that sympathetic when you suffered a bereavement etc.; I can find no mention of GP's intervening when the SK's are behaving unacceptably at their house. How well I remember from my own younger days when visiting relatives: "Auntie's/Grandma's house, Auntie's/Grandma's Rules!" knowing there would be no sympathy from my own parents if I stepped out of line! This was not done in a mean spirit, but to gradually tame me until I was a welcome guest who had some lovely stays at relatives' homes. As I have said before, he is passively giving way to one of the more insidious forms of neglect, out of laziness or a deluded notion that liberty is the best gift he can give them.
Where is their mother in all this? Are they opting for a "Lord of the Flies" existence with DF, because DM is "boring" and "too strict"?

Hollietree · 09/04/2025 16:58

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 15:59

As glad that I am that I have stood my ground, said what I needed to, and that I now have a peaceful home, there is a part of me that is so sad that he didn't fight for our relationship, that he hasn't realised that he can change these issues, and isn't even trying to.
It pisses me off that we've had a (seemingly) happy relationship for 4 years and he has let things end like this.
If it were me, I would be fixing things, changing, wanting my partner to know I would never treat them that way again, and seek to prove this to them.

His passive acceptance and reframing is unfuriating.

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His refusal to apologise, not wishing to change, not fighting for the relationship……….. all confirmation that you have made the right decision and he is definitely not the man for you. The final nails in the coffin.

And I’m sure you already know, but just in case - I am a Mum and I absolutely would not allow my children (or any guest in my home) to wipe snot on the sofa, drop crumbs and rubbish all over the sitting room, or disturb family movie night by shouting or gaming in the same room! Nor would I allow my children to do this in anyone else’s home! He is just a lazy feckless Father who blames everyone else for his parenting failures….. and failures as a shit partner.

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 17:02

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2025 16:38

@innersilentscreams

It pisses me off that we've had a (seemingly) happy relationship for 4 years and he has let things end like this.

But how truly happy was it really? Seems to me you've been pushing down frustration and anger for quite some time, maybe the entire 4 years, and calling it happiness. We can bury our true emotions when we really want something (like a happy relationship) and only let the 'surface' emotions show ("Wasn't that a lovely day", "Didn't we enjoy XYZ") to convince ourselves that we are 'deeply' happy, when what we really have is moments of happiness that we cling to.

And yes, his apparent passivity and his reframing is infuriating. But that's who he's always been. It's just that you've reached your breaking point. We ALL have a breaking point and it usually comes as a surprise when we reach it because we've been ignoring the fact that it's getting nearer and nearer.

He didn't fight, because it's not in him to do so. He wants the easy road and now that you aren't smoothing the road for him, he's just given up after a token resistance. He knows that he'd have to do hard work, on himself and his children and he'd simply 'rather not'. So he'll try to sell you his 'regret' to make you feel guilty and accept the blame, when the blame is his. Don't let his laziness and entitlement use up your emotional 'coin' in sadness. Spend your emotional 'coin' on something worthwhile, like acceptance of his failures and acknowledgement that you are far better off without him.

Thank you, such reassuring and wise words, that I appreciate. He is showing me who he is- this is what he does in the face of losing me and what we had....nothing, except complain about how upset this has all made him feel, how he hasn't been eating etc, without actualy doing anything or acknowledging how I was driven to breaking point.

And it's funny what you say about us not knowing when it'll be, because it took me by surprise, after so many weekends of enduring the status quo....last weekend I just couldn't do it anymore...whereas before I had stuffed down my feelings, convinced myself well we only see them EOW, they're his kids, I can just out up with it for 4 days out of 28 etc etc, and it had been 'fine' for so long....

...and then suddenly, last Saturday evening, I sat there, feeling this sense of intense sadness, looked at all three of them and thought 'how has my life come to this? My one amazing, precious life, and there's me being ignored in my own home, unable to watch anything due to the gaming, my space and me being disrespected, and rubbish thrown down where they sit? How did my once glamorous life of travel and lots of friends (who are now hundreds of miles away) come to this?'xx

OP posts:

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 17:07

twoshedsjackson · 09/04/2025 16:48

While I have some sympathy for his parents, who are now enduring his passive acceptance of the unacceptable behaviour of his offspring, I think you can probably see a generational pattern emerging.
You mentioned in an early post that they were dismissive of your boundaries concerning how you liked your home to be kept, not all that sympathetic when you suffered a bereavement etc.; I can find no mention of GP's intervening when the SK's are behaving unacceptably at their house. How well I remember from my own younger days when visiting relatives: "Auntie's/Grandma's house, Auntie's/Grandma's Rules!" knowing there would be no sympathy from my own parents if I stepped out of line! This was not done in a mean spirit, but to gradually tame me until I was a welcome guest who had some lovely stays at relatives' homes. As I have said before, he is passively giving way to one of the more insidious forms of neglect, out of laziness or a deluded notion that liberty is the best gift he can give them.
Where is their mother in all this? Are they opting for a "Lord of the Flies" existence with DF, because DM is "boring" and "too strict"?

They live with Mum, but see Dad EOW (when they stay over at mine, or used to) as well as a night or two in the week, where he takes them out for dinner.

I offered to meet mum years ago but she refused (I am not the OW btw, they had been split for well over a year before I met DP)...she kept trying to get the boys to find out where I worked, and my last name etc, so she could stalk me on social media, despite a) me offering to meet her and b) me not having any social media.

It was brought up at mediation; the way she was getting the kids to play spies, and how unhealthy this was, seeing as I offered early on to meet. She has always refused to meet me, which I have said to DP must make the kids feel awkward, surely, especially seeing as Mum has a partner she moved in 6 months after she and my exDP met and exDP and Mum's new partner always get on when they see eachother?

OP posts:

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 17:09

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 17:07

They live with Mum, but see Dad EOW (when they stay over at mine, or used to) as well as a night or two in the week, where he takes them out for dinner.

I offered to meet mum years ago but she refused (I am not the OW btw, they had been split for well over a year before I met DP)...she kept trying to get the boys to find out where I worked, and my last name etc, so she could stalk me on social media, despite a) me offering to meet her and b) me not having any social media.

It was brought up at mediation; the way she was getting the kids to play spies, and how unhealthy this was, seeing as I offered early on to meet. She has always refused to meet me, which I have said to DP must make the kids feel awkward, surely, especially seeing as Mum has a partner she moved in 6 months after she and my exDP met and exDP and Mum's new partner always get on when they see eachother?

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moved in 6 months after Mum and my exDP split up, that should read.
Mum was dating the new bloke after 3 weeks, and moved him in after 6 months. I came along almost 18 months after she and myexDP split up

OP posts:

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 17:11

Hollietree · 09/04/2025 16:58

His refusal to apologise, not wishing to change, not fighting for the relationship……….. all confirmation that you have made the right decision and he is definitely not the man for you. The final nails in the coffin.

And I’m sure you already know, but just in case - I am a Mum and I absolutely would not allow my children (or any guest in my home) to wipe snot on the sofa, drop crumbs and rubbish all over the sitting room, or disturb family movie night by shouting or gaming in the same room! Nor would I allow my children to do this in anyone else’s home! He is just a lazy feckless Father who blames everyone else for his parenting failures….. and failures as a shit partner.

Show quote history

Thank you xx

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2025 17:32

@innersilentscreams

My one amazing, precious life,

And now you have that life back! And it will be even more amazing and more precious to you because of what you've been through. We all have a 'sense' of the beauty of our lives, but when we've been hurt, disappointed, or our dreams turned to ashes, we rise up and truly realize just how lucky we are and how marvelous it is to be 'just who we are'. I have been there and I know how true that is!

Remember that now 'all things are possible'. Friends too far? You are free to move. Miss traveling? You are free to roam the world.

Obviously it's not as easy as just upping sticks or impulsively booking a round the world cruise. But it's important for you to get your dreams back. So in your quiet moments with your lovely cat, dream big. The world is once again your oyster.

Crumpleton · 09/04/2025 17:36

he told me that he had said to them 'innersilentscreams isn't a Mum, so she struggles with mess'

Wow...
Turned that round on you didn't he.

He seems to struggle with not only accepting the truth but telling it too.

ChristmasRoses · 09/04/2025 17:51

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:15

He collected his things last night, and I am not proud of myself but couldn't resist heatedly admonishing him about the way he spoke to me, how he walked out instead of saying he would lay down the groundrules. I couldn't not say these things, so we rowed.

He kept saying the same things he said over text, e.g. 'you said ok/allowed me ot leave, so I left' (ugh), 'things were improving'; 'I was on it with their behaviour more than previously', etc etc. I kept pointing out it was the way he responded to me when I was upset about being disrespected, my valid concerns thrown back at me as if I was unreasonable, and him leaving that meant we were where we were at now.

He kept making excuses. He looked sad, not angry at all. Eventually apologised, but had been excusing all the things that happened that night, finding ways to reframe it so that it looked reasonable for him to turn it on me and leave the next day.

When I asked him what on earth did the kids think with him making them collect all their things (even art work off of the fridge) and leaving like that, he told me that he had said to them 'innersilentscreams isn't a Mum, so she struggles with mess'

Omg....I was apoplectic with rage, and this made me burst into tears. So he told his boys it's me, I'm the problem. Made it about me not being able to tolerate mess as I don't have kids so don't get it/can't cope.

Anyway, he also told me that later that night, after leaving, at their grandparents', they smashed a lamp due to kicking a ball around the lounge.

I'm a mum. I don't like mess. I brought my DS up to be a thoughtful, considerate, tidy person who respected and valued other peoples belongings. It's not that hard, I promise.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/04/2025 17:53

I'm a mum. I am not a particularly tidy person but I'd never allow my DC to behave like his kids have in someone else's house, and I'd be mortified if they had. Not come out with some rubbish about that person not being able to cope with mess. He is really letting them down with his lack of parenting. Thankfully it's not your problem now.

AlisounOfBath · 09/04/2025 17:55

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 16:14

If he ever moves in with a partner who has children of her own, he’ll be accusing her of playing favourites

I even said to him when he collected his stuff and told me he had told the kids I had a problem with their mess as I'm not a mum, 'what mother in her right mind, who has kids she has taught manners to, is going to put up with their lounge being used as a rubbish dump and video gaming emporium by someone else's kids?'
He didn't have an answer. I told him I also thought it was sexist of him to say that, as though women should just be willing to put up with mens' and boys' and mess, like it's something we should tolerate.

OMG I am RAGING at the absolute brass neck of the man! As if not being a mum has anything to do with having some ground rules (which were perfectly reasonable btw)! My DS has to clear up after himself and has been putting his rubbish in the bin since he was 3. He’s a shit dad and blames it on you. If I knew where he lived I’d be round to give him an earful. Hugs to you and good riddance to a waste of skin x

TheLavenderLantern · 09/04/2025 18:13

Crumpleton · 09/04/2025 17:36

he told me that he had said to them 'innersilentscreams isn't a Mum, so she struggles with mess'

Wow...
Turned that round on you didn't he.

He seems to struggle with not only accepting the truth but telling it too.

I think at this point I would have yelled “BORING!”

orangedream · 09/04/2025 18:26

So he went straight to his parents and started setting up the games consoles for the two boys there? Taking over their only sitting room too no doubt. It doesn't even seem to occur to him that the boys should even try to participate in family life as visitors wherever they go. No, much better for them to be allowed to completely disengage from everyone around them. 🙄

He's such a shit father.

JustSawJohnny · 09/04/2025 18:42

He's an utter twat BUT I'm glad he doubled down on the dumfuckery so you didn't feel bad for him, OP! I was worried he was going to try to pull on the old heart strings and try to weaken your defences!

I can't believe he didn't even have the balls to explain to the kids that their behaviour had been problematic!!

Thank feck you are free of the lot of them!

They deserve ALL OF THE EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!! 😂

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 18:42

TheLavenderLantern · 09/04/2025 18:13

I think at this point I would have yelled “BORING!”

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OMG I so wish I had thought of this!!!!

That would have been perfect!

OP posts:

Maurepas · 09/04/2025 19:09

As these boys get older, bigger and stronger they may become more of a problem - be interesting to know what they are like in 5 -10 years time (and their father too).

Loseitrr · 09/04/2025 21:43

I even said to him when he collected his stuff and told me he had told the kids I had a problem with their mess as I'm not a mum, 'what mother in her right mind, who has kids she has taught manners to, is going to put up with their lounge being used as a rubbish dump and video gaming emporium by someone else's kids?'

excellent response. This is the same excuse I’ve seen some parents use when berating or moaning about some teachers (who didn’t have kids) for raising issues about their poorly behaved kids. They would pull the “you /they don’t understand , because they don’t have their own kids” 😒 it’s petulant, pathetic and an obvious attempt to deflect from the issue of their terrible parenting.

It sounds like from your update the kids as horribly behaved as they are have had a lot of upheaval and they sadly haven’t got parents who put them first. They’re probably acting out and (wrongly) taking out their frustrations on you. I don’t date men with kids for this reason, as much sympathy as I have for these kids I won’t be anyone’s emotional punchbag!