New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

[innersilentscreams]

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

Absolutely! He's at the Find Out stage of 'Fuck About Find Out' and is panicking because his previous, normally successful, techniques aren't working any more.

You know now that any previous apologies were fake and pointless as he has never made any effort to ensure that his kids treat you and your home/belongings with respect.

He's awful.

And he's getting desperate to move out of his parents. But he's still not said "sorry about the kids. They're behaviour is disgraceful. I need to work much harder to improve it"... or anything even close.

I think he absolutely believes his version of event. In his head, obviously he apologised at the time because he always apologises when you’re an irrational over emotional woman he needs to calm down upset. Because he’s the reasonable one.

And obviously you told him to go because he wouldn’t storm out in a huff; you were the one being irrational and reasonable while he removed himself from the situation to give you space. Because that’s what a reasonable and mature bloke would do in the face of his partner being hysterical over nothing.

He’s so convinced he’s right and reasonable that he’s making the recollections fit his narrative of ‘over-emotional unreasonable but loveable you’ and ‘manly, mature, rational him’. I’m sure he thinks you’re lucky to have him.

They love to believe their own bullshit. That doesn’t mean we have to.

Stay strong.

Well done Mummy better late than never!

@innersilentscreams ‘I always apologise when you’re upset’.
Because saying sorry you’re upset is so much easier than NOT ALLOWING MY SNOTTY FERAL BRATS TO UPSET YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Totally agree with those saying he is panicking and now pressing harder on manipulation. It’s all bullshit - all about him. Talk of an apology but not giving one.

At this point he is simply noise. I’d ignore now. And you can mute his messages so you can read them when you choose rather than when he sends them.

You’re doing brilliantly- stay strong! 🌻

Be interesting if he gets his act together to rent/buy his own property to house his own children if he will continue to allow snot and sweet spreadage when it’s his deposit or new carpet/furniture being trashed.

I doubt OP would ever find out, but it would be interesting.

Well done for not giving in to his nonsense. Be prepared for the next message which may well go along the lines of " We were so happy with you and they didn't realise how much you were upset by their behaviour. They hate it here and are so unhappy, if you let us back then it will be different"...at which point you laugh like a drain and block the lying fucker.

100% this. He is trying to turn this on you. None of this says “I’m sorry, my kids were brats and I allowed it”

you are so right to fuck him off @innersilentscreams

Just send one message telling him to collect his stuff (is there a garage/shed you can put it in so he doesn't even need to come in). And there is nothing further to discuss.

Any further emails just copy and paste. Once his stuff is collected then you can block if you wish,

Regardless or who is right or not (you are) you don’t seem upset by not being in a relationship with him, more just the upset/stress from a relationship ending and having to sort stuff out. You actually sound relieved. You are entitled to end the relationship for any reason, be doesn’t have to agree with you.

I would arrange his crap to be delivered. I would not give him any reason to be at your home, do not allow him an inch of accommodation or compromise as he will take a mile. He will either show up with his snot bag kids in tow to try to manipulate you into not disagreeing with him in front of the kids or you will get a full blown monologue of how he forgives you and he's willing to move past your shortcomings (otherwise known as lie back down doormat, so I can wipe my feet on you again). He has already moved himself and his kids in once without invitation or discussion, do not allow him to do it again. Enjoy your peaceful life with your cat and snot free furnishings OP.

You say you've moved your money, and you've packed up everything that belongs to them.
Once their belongings are actually gone, is there anything else you need to do ?

His messages make me think of what we said as children _ Liar, liar, pants on fire. He's a weasel @innersilentscreams , he twists and turns but he never actually gives you a straight answer. You've done so well getting him out and ignoring his nonsense

I may have missed this bit, but have you made it clear that it’s over for good? Or does he just think you’re having some space and not ready to talk yet? I bet he was expecting you to beg him to come back. Thank goodness you’ve stayed firm though - it’s very clear that he won’t change.

Definitely gaslighting you.

He's trying to manipulate you into letting him back.

Think about it logically - if he had apologised, he would also have said that he would deal with his offspring's bratty behaviour.

Absolutely!

OP, thank god you are really see this absolute liar clearly.

He is desperately backtracking, calling YOU a liar because he is desperate to continue to use you.

Watch very very carefully as this will escalate.
Victimhood from him, mental health struggles, threats to self harm can be expected before Mr Snarling flips again to accusations of infidelity, you never loved him, used him etc.

Do not allow him in your house.
He will be desperate to get back in now he realises he completely over estimated how much abuse and shit you would take.

He will be furious with himself for over playing his hand, under estimating you, and fxxking up his free accommodation.

He may well try and even spring his feral brats on you.

Be very suspicious of him please.

Unfortunately… he’s telling everyone his version of events — HE is a dad-hero “fighting” for his family, he’s done nothing wrong and you are the unreasonable woman. People nodding in agreement whilst thinking … can’t believe OP didn’t chuck him sooner.

(And I picture him sleeping in his childhood bedroom which is now his mums crafting room.)

Best just ignore him and just keep moving forward.

in those messages he never once asks how you are doing or if you're ok.
It's all "I didn't /you did" Classic, narcissistic, DARVO gaslighting behaviours.

Go through your house with a fine toothcomb and pack every little thing that belongs to any of them, so you know for sure it's all there & will be taken away. or he may start trying " i'm sure I /the kids left such & such at your house can i come round and look for it ? " But you will know for sure that you don't have whatever tiny little urgent thing he's pretending to have lost and can confidently say "no you have everything that was once here" and then cut him off.

@innersilentscreams
He didn't 'offer to leave' he threatened to walk out to make him beg you not to.

The benefit of your threads is that if you ever doubt yourself, you have a record of the events, I think you'll struggle to find the post where you said "he has apologised wholeheartedly for letting his appalling kids wreck my house and terrorise my cat"

I don't actually recommend it, but it would be funny to point out to him that even the Daily Mail think he's the thing that you never put before cats! #cbt

I agree with pp, he’s gaslighting and minimising his behaviour. I appreciate you’re not able to say publicly why you can’t just pack up his stuff (as you had to PM another poster on this ) but I hope you can just send a clear message verbally that it’s over.

He has already started being passive aggressive in his messages and I believe he will get full blown rude and angry once he realises you’re not having him back.

Wow he's a prize isn't he!

Thank goodness for mn and all the wise people supporting you.

Yes to the gaslighting, and yes to him probably believing that this is exactly what went down. Happily, you have a MN thread about what happened and why! In real time, almost!

Remember: this is about him not parenting. He obviously disrespected you as well and is quite frankly a cocklodger, but at heart, it's about how you can't compel him to actually parent his children. If it comes to it, tell him you've had a week of space to think and you understand being a single parent is hard, but watching him not parenting his kids has shown you you need to end it with him. It's a clean break, you wish him the best, here's your stuff.

I think he's done you a favour with his latest helpful input, OP. I mean, if you had any doubts before, you won't after this!

Oh good grief. Panicking selfish arsehole mode fully activated.
Your answer:
I am sending this message to make sure you fully understand.
This is simple so there is no ambiguity.
We are over. I do not want you back. Neither you or your kids will ever set foot in my house again.
The only message I want from you is to arrange collection of your stuff. If no arrangements are made by 10th April 2025 it will all be taken to the tip.
I cannot be any clearer.