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Original poster

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

383 replies

innersilentscreams · 03/04/2025 05:55

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Nettleteaser101 · 07/04/2025 11:20

Stay strong he is so not worth the worry, and give your cat a stroke from me.🐱

CruCru · 07/04/2025 13:04

I know this is probably obvious but it’s worth letting the council know that he’s moved out so you can get your 25% single person discount.

WorthySloth · 07/04/2025 18:11

Nothing to add but I saw this and thought of you

New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours
JennySayQuoi · 07/04/2025 23:38

@innersilentscreams
Just read this on The Times website...

"Having a spouse to share life’s highs and lows is all very well — but for those not ready to commit to joint bank accounts and in-laws, could a cat or dog offer a similar boost in mental wellbeing?
Economists have calculated that the psychological benefits of pet ownership are roughly equivalent to those gained from marriage.
They also concluded that the improvement in mood was on a par with what you would expect to see from somebody receiving an extra £70,000 in annual income."
😺

beetr00 · 08/04/2025 00:59

@JennySayQuoi

"They also concluded that the improvement in mood was on a par with what you would expect to see from somebody receiving an extra £70,000 in annual income."

Wow! seriously?

mathanxiety · 08/04/2025 02:27

innersilentscreams · 05/04/2025 12:01

And forgot to add, bagging up all their belongings today.

My mum has messaged, saying she has hoped we would have talked and sorted it out by now. That kids make relationships hard.

I said it isn't the kids, it's his lack of parenting and then walking out, as well as anger, that is the reason we are where we are.

I feel like I keep saying the same thing to both mum and my ex- that it's about the disrespect and then my feelings being minimised and dismissed. My mum's messages are making me doubt my own perception, so I have sat and read through my entire first thread.

He did excuse them, didn't offer solutions, but immediately said he wouldn't bring them round ever again, plus was packing his bags too (in the morning). Those things actually happened.

So he has messaged asking for us to talk this weekend. Still no apology. NO acknowledgement of what happened-which I pointed out.

His response was 'I always apologise when I upset you. We need to talk as there are lots of things to discuss, too much to put into messages'.

He said he 'wasn't being dismissive' did validate my feelings (!) but 'also tried to be a mediator by saying the boys are just kids'.

Feel a bit like my head is going to explode.

They're both gaslighting you.

Can you tell your mum you're not going to discuss this with her any more. There's clearly no use trying to get her to understand what happened, and she has an agenda that isn't in your best interests.

Tell exP there will be no meet-up - you have drawn a line under the relationship and intend to move on.

The only thing left to discuss is finances. You should see a solicitor about joint investments, etc. Tell him you will be in touch about financial 'uncoupling'.

Be as cut and dried as you can be.

PS - I hope you've taped over or unplugged the Ring doorbell, and also that you've booked a steam cleaning company to disinfect your home and soft furnishings.

mathanxiety · 08/04/2025 02:41

dapsnotplimsolls · 05/04/2025 22:14

No offence to you OP, but I give it 6 months at the most before he finds another 'nanny with a fanny'. I'd never heard that or 'cats before twats' before the first thread!

Oh yes indeedy...

Beautifulplaceslovelypeople · 08/04/2025 07:05

JennySayQuoi · 07/04/2025 23:38

@innersilentscreams
Just read this on The Times website...

"Having a spouse to share life’s highs and lows is all very well — but for those not ready to commit to joint bank accounts and in-laws, could a cat or dog offer a similar boost in mental wellbeing?
Economists have calculated that the psychological benefits of pet ownership are roughly equivalent to those gained from marriage.
They also concluded that the improvement in mood was on a par with what you would expect to see from somebody receiving an extra £70,000 in annual income."
😺

I have 2 dogs, is that £140,000 equivalent 🤔😂

Watermill · 08/04/2025 07:10

DDOG is worth more than £70k to me ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

PhilomenaPunk · 08/04/2025 09:11

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/04/2025 10:40

'I always apologise when you're upset'. Patronising twat. The only answer to that is 'then why don't you just stop upsetting me in the first place and save us both a load of angst?'

Glad you're staying strong, OP.

Exactly. I hate it when people phrase things like this. There is a big difference between apologising when you have upset someone and apologising when someone is upset.

The first makes it clear that you have done something wrong and the person has reacted in an expected and justified way. The second absolves you of responsibility and makes it seem as if the other person is having an unnecessary or exaggerated reaction. The second approach is not an apology.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/04/2025 09:14

Oh dear, I've just realised that my dog is the equivalent of a needy spouse. AND she makes a lot of mess.

I'd divorce her, only she'd get the house.

JennySayQuoi · 08/04/2025 14:29

@beetr00
Without copy-pasting the whole article, she extrapolated the estimate from the formulas used to work out benefits of time spent with family/friends or living in a nice area...

She acknowledged that the £70,000-a-year value assigned to pet ownership may raise some eyebrows. “I understand why some people might be sceptical,” she said. “But other economists have previously calculated similar values for being able to meet with family and friends once or twice a week. If you put it in that context, I think our findings make sense.
“Given that pets are considered by many as best friends and family members, these values appear to be plausible … I also suspect that many people don’t actually realise how important their pets are for them.”

JennySayQuoi · 08/04/2025 14:30

@Beautifulplaceslovelypeople
Absolutely! 🐶🐶

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 08/04/2025 17:53

WorthySloth · 07/04/2025 18:11

Nothing to add but I saw this and thought of you

'Piss off or get scratched' has me pmsl. Love this! Thank you!

OP posts:
TokyoKyoto · 08/04/2025 19:10

@innersilentscreams Have you been hearing from him or has he backed off a bit? Did he come to get their stuff yet?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/04/2025 21:30

Did you manage to get his stuff out of the house yet? It’s a tricky time disentangling yourself, but the sooner the better. How’s the cat enjoying having her home back?

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:15

He collected his things last night, and I am not proud of myself but couldn't resist heatedly admonishing him about the way he spoke to me, how he walked out instead of saying he would lay down the groundrules. I couldn't not say these things, so we rowed.

He kept saying the same things he said over text, e.g. 'you said ok/allowed me ot leave, so I left' (ugh), 'things were improving'; 'I was on it with their behaviour more than previously', etc etc. I kept pointing out it was the way he responded to me when I was upset about being disrespected, my valid concerns thrown back at me as if I was unreasonable, and him leaving that meant we were where we were at now.

He kept making excuses. He looked sad, not angry at all. Eventually apologised, but had been excusing all the things that happened that night, finding ways to reframe it so that it looked reasonable for him to turn it on me and leave the next day.

When I asked him what on earth did the kids think with him making them collect all their things (even art work off of the fridge) and leaving like that, he told me that he had said to them 'innersilentscreams isn't a Mum, so she struggles with mess'

Omg....I was apoplectic with rage, and this made me burst into tears. So he told his boys it's me, I'm the problem. Made it about me not being able to tolerate mess as I don't have kids so don't get it/can't cope.

Anyway, he also told me that later that night, after leaving, at their grandparents', they smashed a lamp due to kicking a ball around the lounge.

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 09/04/2025 09:17

@innersilentscreams am amazed he owned up to the lamp smashing?

Agapornis · 09/04/2025 09:18

He's pathetic and spineless, and they'll never change. Thinking of you and your cat!

nomas · 09/04/2025 09:18

What a knob. At least it reconfirmed for you that you did the right thing.

And well done for admonishing him.

And I hope he replaced the lamp but I’m not sorry he’s getting a taste of his own medicine now 🤣

AllTheTreesOfTheField · 09/04/2025 09:20

Whatever are the grandparents thinking, having breakable objects where their dear little grandkiddies want to play football? 😆

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:22

LushLemonTart · 09/04/2025 09:17

@innersilentscreams am amazed he owned up to the lamp smashing?

Me too! I said I really really hope you three pick out a new lamp and replace it.
Ironically they did it whilst he was setting up their gaming consoles for them...

OP posts:
Cattenberg · 09/04/2025 09:23

Imagine what these kids are going to be like in a few years’ time. Their dad is pathetic. I’m glad you’ve got them all out of your house.

Original poster
innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:23

nomas · 09/04/2025 09:18

What a knob. At least it reconfirmed for you that you did the right thing.

And well done for admonishing him.

And I hope he replaced the lamp but I’m not sorry he’s getting a taste of his own medicine now 🤣

Edited

I had to get it out, so it felt good afterwards.

OP posts:
Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 09:40

Anyway, he also told me that later that night, after leaving, at their grandparents', they smashed a lamp due to kicking a ball around the lounge.

And rather than parent them properly, I have no doubt he'll be saying 'They're old, they've forgotten how messy kids can be and can't cope' when grandparents eventually have had enough and say they can't stay there anymore.

Be glad the arsehole is gone, OP. He's a terrible father and a terrible partner.