Page 14 | New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

innersilentscreams · 2025-04-03T04:55:27+00:00

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat). I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support! He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety. Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse. He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:44

Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 09:40

Anyway, he also told me that later that night, after leaving, at their grandparents', they smashed a lamp due to kicking a ball around the lounge.

And rather than parent them properly, I have no doubt he'll be saying 'They're old, they've forgotten how messy kids can be and can't cope' when grandparents eventually have had enough and say they can't stay there anymore.

Be glad the arsehole is gone, OP. He's a terrible father and a terrible partner.

He said about it: 'The lamp was old anyway so I don't think they (his parents) mind.'

I was incredulous.

OP posts:

CruCru · 09/04/2025 09:54

So the grandparents have now got the three of them smashing things plus all their stuff. I bet they are furious with their son.

Whooowhooohoo · 09/04/2025 10:04

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:15

He collected his things last night, and I am not proud of myself but couldn't resist heatedly admonishing him about the way he spoke to me, how he walked out instead of saying he would lay down the groundrules. I couldn't not say these things, so we rowed.

He kept saying the same things he said over text, e.g. 'you said ok/allowed me ot leave, so I left' (ugh), 'things were improving'; 'I was on it with their behaviour more than previously', etc etc. I kept pointing out it was the way he responded to me when I was upset about being disrespected, my valid concerns thrown back at me as if I was unreasonable, and him leaving that meant we were where we were at now.

He kept making excuses. He looked sad, not angry at all. Eventually apologised, but had been excusing all the things that happened that night, finding ways to reframe it so that it looked reasonable for him to turn it on me and leave the next day.

When I asked him what on earth did the kids think with him making them collect all their things (even art work off of the fridge) and leaving like that, he told me that he had said to them 'innersilentscreams isn't a Mum, so she struggles with mess'

Omg....I was apoplectic with rage, and this made me burst into tears. So he told his boys it's me, I'm the problem. Made it about me not being able to tolerate mess as I don't have kids so don't get it/can't cope.

Anyway, he also told me that later that night, after leaving, at their grandparents', they smashed a lamp due to kicking a ball around the lounge.

Picturing the two boys smirking when being told that you were the problem, and they are perfect …. Learning that being unruly gets results and goes unpunished.

TheLavenderLantern · 09/04/2025 10:07

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:44

He said about it: 'The lamp was old anyway so I don't think they (his parents) mind.'

I was incredulous.

Show quote history

It won’t be the last thing they smash. You will have a better life without them.

Whooowhooohoo · 09/04/2025 10:10

Or he could have said “… I’m not much of a dad, messes & disrespectful behavior are ok with me”

thinktwice36 · 09/04/2025 10:19

Jesus he is a lost cause @innersilentscreams . Well rid. Well done.

Sulu17 · 09/04/2025 10:26

It's a shock when the scales finally fall from your eyes, isn't it.

Ohnobackagain · 09/04/2025 10:26

“It’s old so it doesn’t matter” - crumbs @innersilentscreams he is so clueless. If he cannot see he is disrespecting his parents and allowing his kids to do so, it clearly is never going to change because he does not see the problem. And the ‘not a Mum’ thing is just bollocks - nothing to do with that. Allowing anyone to be careless of others’ property, valuable or not, says you hold little care or value in/for those people and the time they had to spend earning money to buy the stuff, or the fact it may be handed down and worthless in money terms, but of huge sentimental value. So annoying.

@CruCru makes an excellent point about letting council know re council tax/reduced occupancy.

All this aside, I hope you feel better/get over the latest encounter and can put it behind you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 09/04/2025 10:37

He still doesn’t get it does he?! Well at least it’s not your problem anymore. His poor parents.

EvilParsnip · 09/04/2025 10:41

I know you say you don't feel proud of yourself for losing your temper, but it's completely understandable that you did, given the circumstances. And for him to brush off the boys breaking his parents' property like that!

Please take all this as further confirmation that you have absolutely made the right decision for you (and your cat, who must quite frankly be relishing the peace!)

CheekySnake · 09/04/2025 11:27

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:15

He collected his things last night, and I am not proud of myself but couldn't resist heatedly admonishing him about the way he spoke to me, how he walked out instead of saying he would lay down the groundrules. I couldn't not say these things, so we rowed.

He kept saying the same things he said over text, e.g. 'you said ok/allowed me ot leave, so I left' (ugh), 'things were improving'; 'I was on it with their behaviour more than previously', etc etc. I kept pointing out it was the way he responded to me when I was upset about being disrespected, my valid concerns thrown back at me as if I was unreasonable, and him leaving that meant we were where we were at now.

He kept making excuses. He looked sad, not angry at all. Eventually apologised, but had been excusing all the things that happened that night, finding ways to reframe it so that it looked reasonable for him to turn it on me and leave the next day.

When I asked him what on earth did the kids think with him making them collect all their things (even art work off of the fridge) and leaving like that, he told me that he had said to them 'innersilentscreams isn't a Mum, so she struggles with mess'

Omg....I was apoplectic with rage, and this made me burst into tears. So he told his boys it's me, I'm the problem. Made it about me not being able to tolerate mess as I don't have kids so don't get it/can't cope.

Anyway, he also told me that later that night, after leaving, at their grandparents', they smashed a lamp due to kicking a ball around the lounge.

I just wanted to comment on the bit where you said he looked sad but not angry - responding in this way allows him to paint himself as reasonable and you as unreasonable. It lets him push the blame on you and hold it there.

He's not sad. He's not sorry, either. He's making it your fault when it's not. This may be the story he needs to tell himself in order to save face, because let's be honest, it's pretty embarrassing as a grown man to have to tell people that your girlfriend kicked you out because you wouldn't accept that your teenage children wiping snot on her furniture was a problem. No reasonable human being is going to side with him over that.

It's worth remembering that for men like this, lying comes as easily to them as breathing, but whatever story he has told other people (including his parents and his kids) is not your problem. Please don't take it personally.

At least, I suppose, he's shown you who he is - he'd rather emotionally manipulate and bully you into extreme distress than take responsibility for his own behaviour.

He's not worth a second more of your time.

FWIW I would bet my house that when the next woman comes along, you are painted as the crazy ex with anger issues.

BeaAndBen · 09/04/2025 11:32

@innersilentscreams - to hell with being ashamed, I am PROU OF YOU for losing your shit and getting all that off your chest. Why shouldn’t you be absolutely clear about how dismissed and disrespected you felt? Why is the burden on you to hold in your anger?

I am sure your life - and that of your cat - will be far better without them.

diddl · 09/04/2025 11:36

He said about it: 'The lamp was old anyway so I don't think they (his parents) mind.'
I was incredulous.

Were you really though going on past behaviour?

MyVIsForVendetta · 09/04/2025 11:38

@NeverDropYourMooncup I read that as “that’s Wanker Panic” and I feel like that should be a new phrase!

OP, the man is a moron. You’re being fucking amazing.

CruCru · 09/04/2025 12:04

I am a bit weirded out by how this man seems to message / text but doesn’t seem to ring the OP. Realistically he has split up with his partner - but can’t quite get around to ringing her. Maybe I am just old.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 09/04/2025 13:14

Well done for telling him exactly what the deal was, @innersilentscreams
Of course, he does look sad, as his life has just become more tricky and his nanny with a fanny (love that phrase!!!) has withdrawn her services. Worse, his usual manipulation hasn't worked and he couldn't worm his way back in.
He needs to come with a warning for any future partners. Glad he's out of your life completely!

ConnieSlow · 09/04/2025 13:21

Well done op! Make it a resolution to never put up with any man or shitty kids for anything.

WilfredsPies · 09/04/2025 13:24

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 09:23

I had to get it out, so it felt good afterwards.

Show quote history

Oh my God, if you ever needed confirmation that you’d done the right thing, he’s put it in a box and gift wrapped it for you.

And I know it’s easily said, but try not to get upset about him blaming you. He’s done it because it’s far easier than admitting he’s a shit parent and taking responsibility for why his children are the way they are. And now he’s at his parents, as another poster said, he’ll be blaming them for being old. Only when everyone has gotten utterly sick of having their things destroyed and he’s had to furnish a place of his own, will he start to understand how unacceptable their behaviour is. And even then, it’ll be shock and surprise and probably blaming upheaval of moving around rather than addressing his own failings. If he ever moves in with a partner who has children of her own, he’ll be accusing her of playing favourites. He’s a thoroughly inadequate partner and a failure as a parent. This is not about you at all. You are not the crap parent. By attempting to set boundaries, you parented those children better than he did, and you know that. Remove yourself from the equation completely. You know this situation isn’t of your making. Let him blame who he likes. It’s just his excuse. You know the truth.

Now is the start of getting your home and your life back. Knowing that your furniture is never going to have snot or crisp crumbs over it again. You must feel like such a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Chezxx · 09/04/2025 13:34

The utter dregs, the lot of them. So glad you are well out of it.
Only scum behave like that.

3 year olds know, no kicking a ball indoors.
Things would only have gotten worse.

Imagine blaming you for their filthy behaviour.
Unbelievable.

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 13:35

He's absolutely useless isn't he? This would've been the perfect situation for him to step up and actually parent his children , to remind them about respect.

I'm sorry that you're upset op , but getting angry is good. He's got away with far too much.

Lookuptotheskies · 09/04/2025 13:41

Kicking a football in their grandparent's home?! Ridiculous.

But it sounds like the grandparents aren't respectful of other people's spaces either so they've reaped what they've sown haven't they! 🙄

OP you are so lucky that he's gone!

I'm also incredulous at what he told his kids. It's naff all to do with whether you are a mum or not and all to do with the kid's feral behaviour and his lack of parenting!

dapsnotplimsolls · 09/04/2025 13:45

Why are people surprised? He obviously wasn't going to blame himself or the kids! OP is a convenient scapegoat - 'crazy cat-lady ex who hates kids'.

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 15:53

CruCru · 09/04/2025 12:04

I am a bit weirded out by how this man seems to message / text but doesn’t seem to ring the OP. Realistically he has split up with his partner - but can’t quite get around to ringing her. Maybe I am just old.

Good point. He is so passive, and I just think it shows that he really doesn't/didn't care enough.
If it were me and I had completely fucked up, my god, I would be calling, speaking, being an adult, proving I was so so sorry, and saying how I would fix things, how I would change.

OP posts:

Original poster

innersilentscreams · 09/04/2025 15:59

diddl · 09/04/2025 11:36

He said about it: 'The lamp was old anyway so I don't think they (his parents) mind.'
I was incredulous.

Were you really though going on past behaviour?

As glad that I am that I have stood my ground, said what I needed to, and that I now have a peaceful home, there is a part of me that is so sad that he didn't fight for our relationship, that he hasn't realised that he can change these issues, and isn't even trying to.
It pisses me off that we've had a (seemingly) happy relationship for 4 years and he has let things end like this.
If it were me, I would be fixing things, changing, wanting my partner to know I would never treat them that way again, and seek to prove this to them.

His passive acceptance and reframing is unfuriating.

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 09/04/2025 16:05

Cripes. On the upside, you know you totally dodged a bullet there. Sending best wishes to you and your cat.