New thread- Told DP I was upset by SKs' behaviours

[innersilentscreams]

I thought I'd make a new thread to let you know that I have stayed strong, am enjoying my peace (and cat).
I have to go to work very soon so I will post later this evening, but thank you all so much for your messages and support!

He has messaged to meet up but I have said no. His things are packed up and we have financial issues to sort like joint account and investments so blocking outright isn't doable yet. I am not worried for my safety.

Some lovely colleagues at work have been helpful- especially one who has been in a very similar situation in the past, who said it doesn't get better, only worse.

He's messaged the typical misses me, can't believe how things are text now, but no apology. When I told him the way I have been disrespected and then the way he spoke to me and left was shockingly undeserved, he ignored that and just kept asking me to meet him. I said no.

When I was married previously my exh would threaten to leave.. Usually I pleaded him to stay. One time I let him leave. He stayed away a week then the weak apology came. Coincidentally that night dd decided to make a fantastic tea.. He actually thought it was a Welcome Home meal!! I remember standing there thinking wtf?! A year later I threw him out. He hadn't changed.. Like your situation he needed a base to see his dc. A woman to cater for them. And a purse to send him off to his multiple hobbies as he didn't work at that time.
He did get a job and his money was his money. Lightbulb moment when I discovered his true wages..
Divorced within 3 months.
Never go back to more of the same op. You are worth more.

‘I always apologise when you’re upset’.

So he doesn't actually apologise for doing whatever it was, just that it had upset you. A subtle but very important difference. "I'm sorry that you are upset" has a very different meaning to "I'm sorry I did so-and-so action" - basically saying "I'm not sorry for doing whatever it was, but I suppose I'd better keep the peace at this over-reacting."

So he still hasn't actually apologised? He still hasn't addressed the issue of how his disrespectful kids behave and how he should be dealing with that? I think his next move is either (a) apologise/love bomb/offer meaningless promises or (b) get angry with you denying him a second home for his kids, start getting nasty about all sorts. Either way do you really think things will change? The door is open....run for freedom!

@NeverDropYourMooncup must have a PhD in the language of Twat. Excellent translation!

@innersilentscreams

You know, if his texts are causing you confusion and doubt, even little niggles of them, maybe it's time to block him. To me, it's just not worth hearing his crap when you're trying to 'heal' your thought processes. He's manipulated your thinking in the past and is continuing to try and manipulate it. You need to consider how vulnerable you may be to that, even as your resolve not to take him back strengthens.

I would say - we will have to agree to disagree - my accurate recollection is not the same as yours. Either way, we are over and I feel much happier without you and the s/kids. He will never, ever admit to being in the wrong or that his kids behaviour is appalling. Let them just 'be kids' in his new place and they can drop their litter and snot and shout boring and ignore him to their hearts' content.
Meanwhile you and the cat can chill in the clean house.

You could if you wanted to next time he messages - just write BORING - stop messaging me

I would just like to add ‘well done’! Too many times on here we read about situations like yours and the posters have so little respect for themselves that they put up with total shit. You have my utmost respect for standing your ground.

I know from experience (much less severe than yours) that it is difficult and frightening to end relationships, but if more women did it it might make (some) men realise their behaviour is unacceptable.

Yep, this sounds about right.

In his mind, the problem to solve is apparently that you're upset, when he apologizes. It's not that anything is actually wrong or that he or his kids did something unreasonable. No, the problem is that you're having an emotion he doesn't want to hear about.
It's insulting.

Couldn’t agree more. Ideally get a friend to drop it on the doorstep at his parents. Keeps him away from your home and avoids you having to see him.

Try not to give it any more headspace Op.

Whatever he says or does now is of no importance or relevance.

Beware. He's moved into the 'make her feel guilty while appearing understanding and reasonable' phase.
He knows the good deal he had going at yours is done. This is his last gasp attempt to weedle his way back in, especially as Easter holidays are about to land in and he needs his free nanny to put up with the feral children.
I'm glad you saw through it and looked for confirmation from us.
Draw a line under it, enjoy your orderly home, and give your cat a cuddle. Lesser cats would have left home - she's very loyal to you!

This sort of man won't accept that she has decided it's over.
Even if she organised a parade with a band and banners spelling out 'you're sacked', he wouldn't think she was serious. He is so far away from being aware of the impact of his inaction, and his children's actions, it's unthinkable that @innersilentscreams has decided to put them out of her life.

I’m so glad to hear an update from you, you’ve been on my mind. All his non-apologies are about you being upset, absolutely no admittance of responsibility on his part whatsoever. Stay strong. You will be much better off without him. I am now investigating limoncello spritzers 😁

Of course it's gaslighting.

He's shat the bed, end of.

The latest offerings from him are the finest examples of gaslighting that I have ever read - worthy of being included in a book entitled 'How To Spot A Gaslighter', if you ever feel moved to write one, OP.

I was married to a malignant narcissist for 18 years, and your bloke has more than a whiff of the malignant narcissist about him. MNs never do anything wrong, for it is impossible for them to do so. If this is how he can fuck with your brain through messaging, imagine what he could do to your emotions if you were daft enough to engage with him in person. Been there, seen the video, lovely. See how quickly I still love you changes to anger when the penny drops and he realises that you're not falling for it any longer. What puzzles me in your case is how this guy hopes to have a peaceful happy relationship with any woman when she is forced to spend her time chiselling bogies off her sofa and spending a small fortune on tranquilizers for her puddycat. Give me strength. A brighter future awaits, sweetheart. Honest.

None of it is about addressing what you were actually upset about. All of it is about proving you wrong about how you handled it, it should strengthen your resolve.

If you’re looking for a reply, it seems ‘recollections may vary’ would be apt 😀

whichever pp said “remember your feelings” is spot on. Our gut doesn’t lie.

Well done @innersilentscreams and keep on enjoying that calm, clean home of yours.

"None of it is about addressing what you were actually upset about. All of it is about proving you wrong about how you handled it,"

Yes, if you accept to speak with him, you should not debate, who said he should leave, when/if he said sorry.... That is not the debate. The issue is his shit parenting of his feral children
Not your problem any longer thankfully

Love this! I’ll be looking for opportunities to use “recollections my vary” from now on 😂

There's actually no point whatsoever in discussing it further. OP has made her decision, it's her house, he's out, his stuff is ready for collection: end of story. Giving him the opportunity to carry on being a bully is a waste of her time (and his breath ... not that anyone cares about that).

Lots of love and a cheery prrrrp to the cat.

I left for work and text dh to be gone before I got home... It was days before my birthday... He was gone. And took with him the gifts I had chosen for myself.. Paid for myself. So ladies if anyone got a new phone and some Lacoste Pink perfume in June /July 2012 they are mine!!

Ahahahaha... twat.

'I always apologise when you're upset' = I do things that frequently are upsetting/unkind/thoughtless/arseholeish - I have zero intention of stopping any of them but sometimes I make a half arsed apology if it seems I have to to continue getting what I want out of you.

Respond: 'Get to fuck.'

Far too late to edit, I realised I should have put this the other way round!

He didn't 'offer to leave' he threatened to walk out to make you beg him not to

Thanks all, these resoponses have validated my thoughts/feelings.

Still staying strong, still enjoying the peace.

Looking forward to more peaceful weekends to come!

Thank you so much, you lovely MN people💐 xxx

'I always apologise when you're upset'. Patronising twat. The only answer to that is 'then why don't you just stop upsetting me in the first place and save us both a load of angst?'

Glad you're staying strong, OP.