To think that parents who don’t control their kids in public deserve public shaming?

[MyEdgyAmberZebra]

If your child is throwing a screaming tantrum in a restaurant, I shouldn’t have to “be understanding” - I should be able to tell you to sort it out.

Should have lied and said you had kids OP…

I disagree with the shaming but I think I understand what you are trying to say.

I assume you aren’t talking about normal tantrums or kids with SEN, it’s the parents who bring their children to a pub or restaurant and chat amongst themselves whilst their kids run between tables, parents who let kids run riot around supermarkets, who bring children to the cinema and let them talk though films or as a pp mentioned the people who park kids by the toys in charity shops and wander off.
This is different to a toddler having a tantrum because they didn’t get sweets or an overwhelmed child having a meltdown whilst their parents are actively trying to calm them down - even if this means riding it out and leaving them to it.

I think it’s a small minority but it happens, I’ve seen people called out about it on threads before, the one that sticks in my mind is the woman who posted saying she let her kids run round a hotel lobby then couldn’t understand why people were annoyed and someone who posted on the same thread saying she let her kids run up and down the corridors “after 8am!” They were called out about it on the threads and the majority agreed they were BU.

Shaming wouldn’t work as they don’t think they are in the wrong, most people do their best to make sure their kids aren’t disruptive but it’s not always possible.

I think you had the responses you did because you don’t have kids and people automatically think you are judging any parent whose child has had a tantrum or played up in public.
I read your post differently and assumed you were frustrated from lack of parenting rather than just randomly judging any child making a noise.

Actually it worked quite well for a couple millennia.

Parents who allow their kids to be loud, intrusive and disruptive should be ashamed.

Talking to a child and trying to distract them when they are in a certain mood almost always makes it worse. There are times when you can take them out of the situation but how about on public transport when you don't have a car? Or simply not eating a meal you paid for because your kid is crying or whatever.

There has to be a certain amount of understanding on both sides. Sometimes kids cry and you can't always instantly sort the issue or hide away because someone else was inconvenienced for a short while.

Well call parents out if you want but within a week you'll be in here complaining because the parents told you to get lost (or something far worse).
If you don't have kids why don't you go out later or to adult only places?
Okay maybe you shouldn't have to but it will end the problem, unless you just want to bitch at people who have kids?
For the record my kids were and are pretty well behaved in public. DS does have some additional needs so we try to go to family friendly places where I would expect others to understand if he sometimes has a meltdown. If he was mid meltdown and you came over moaning I wouldn't be polite.

I know what you mean op and I do not think YABU. Obviously children have tantrums, that is totally normal and cannot be helped. What can be helped is the complete absence of parenting that allows children to run riot and parents just ignore them. We are currently travelling and I’ve lost count of the number of small children running, shouting and screaming through airports, knocking over other people bags whilst the parents just sit on their phones, rolling around the floors in hotel lobby’s to the point where people are actually tripping over them and the absolute worst is at breakfast. Parents sat staring at screens whilst the little darlings run around the buffet, screaming and carrying on, touching all the food, one child actually took a bite of a muffin and put it back, parents nowhere to be seen. It’s awful.

DD of course had tantrums when she was small but we traveled with her a lot and no, she was never allowed to behave like she was feral, because that isn’t parenting. And it’s unfair to the children. If the parents don’t teach them how to behave, who will?

Why should people have to go to adult only places, having children does not exempt anyone that normal social rules apply and yes I include my self in that

This 'go and have kids' business, I did and I am still well aware on how I and children should behave in public

This reminds me of when I was in the doctors last week.

A man had his two children with him who were running round, jumping on and off chairs and his daughter was shouting “I wanna watch a movie” over and over for about 10 minutes. She was standing under the screen that calls the next patient and then pulled out a toy guitar and started hitting the screen.
His son was rolling round on the floor and making loud howling noises.

The dad was sitting on his phone except occasionally looking up and smiling and shaking his head, eventually an old woman asked “is their something wrong with those children or can you just not be bothered to teach them to behave?!”

I was expecting an argument but it did literally shame him into doing something, he took the kids outside and asked if someone could pop outside to let him know when it was his turn to see the doctor.

I think the man was genuinely surprised that his kids were annoying people and that’s why he didn’t get defensive, in most cases people don’t react well to their kids being criticised when they misbehave!

I visited a war memorial recently. A child discovered that it had a good echo so started shouting/screaming; not in distress but just for fun. Instead of telling them to be quiet or removing them, the parent encouraged them to continue. I rolled my eyes very loudly but didn't say anything. If they couldn't see how inappropriate it was then I doubt they would be receptive to criticism of their parenting.

Maybe she should have parented her kids then

What do you do when they’re too big to
pick up and carry? Some autistic kids continue to have meltdowns long past the ‘small child’ stage. You do prepare, do everything you can to avoid triggers etc, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. You do the best you can but it’ll never be good enough.

OP, I find your attitude very ableist and very upsetting.
You sit and judge who is trying hard enough and who is not?
How would you even know?
Parenting neurodiverse children looks, by necessity, different from parenting neurotypical ones. The strategies used are often quite different and you probably don’t even realise this. But it seems you’ll still judge. Shame on you.

Kids under about 3, no. Even with all the will in the world, a tired, overwhelmed toddler can be a handful, although I'd hope at that point the parent would just remove them from the situation.

Over toddler age and the parents are doing everything they can to manage the behaviour, also no, although again, removing them from the situation is the best thing to do ( not always possible if on train etc, so I would expect them to be dealing with it(

Kids who are just left to run riot with no attempt by parents to do anything about it...yes.

I've got four kids. They're all well behaved but they have all had their moments as children do. I've never let them run riot and if they start playing up, they have a warning to behave more appropriately, and if they continue, we leave the situation/sit out etc

You don't have to go to adult only places but then don't moan/try and parent other people's children.
Of course you have to teach children to behave but how do you teach them if you never go out? And they may not behave perfectly every time.
As I said my older children were always well behaved in public but my son less so. He is 5 but his understanding is around 2. I will not apologise for him acting like a 2 year old and my way of dealing with tantrums proberly looks like no/shit parenting but I am dealing with it. With ND children you can't act the same as children who are NT. Perhaps we should just be confined to the house.
If it really annoys you don't go somewhere family friendly places then you won't get annoyed.

FWIW, my child free bestie speaks far more sense about parenting than some friends who have children.

Bestie understands that children need rules, structure, sleep and boundaries to thrive alongside love and care. Loving is giving them boundaries and a safe space to operate and learn within.

Sadly a lot of parents don't do this. They're too self centred to see what their children actually need and hate to be thought of as the bad guy.

But, as many people have pointed out, for some children ignoring the tantrum is the quickest way to end the tantrum. You want to approach parents who may well be purposefully using this technique to try and minimise the intensity of the tantrum on the basis that you think this method of diffusing a tantrum looks 'easy' or 'lazy' .

What if they told you they were deliberately ignoring it as that's the quickest way to make it stop? Would that change how you felt about their approach? Because I would probably assume that is the case if I saw someone in that situation, and it wouldn't bother me as I would expect them to be finding the whole situation harder than me already.

Maybe because I've had kids that tantrummed occasionally in public, my tolerance for noise has increased in line with my gratitude that it's not my child - an unexpected potential silver lining there!

Alternatively, you're talking about parents who are happy to sit and allow their child to be distressed when they have the power to stop it, in which case I can't imagine they'd care about you being bothered by the noise if they don't even care that their own child is miserable and won't comfort them even to spare themselves the disruption and noise.

As a parent of an autistic child who sometimes has tantrums in public, your post and the poll confirms the terrible feeling I always have that many people are feeling hostile and judgmental towards my situation when I am trying to deal with my child in meltdown.
I think if you have only had NT/biddable children who are easy to "handle" it is so easy to feel this way(i have another autistic child and a NT who have no behaviour difficulties). I beg you not to judge people, as you don't know what they are dealing with, and there is no worse feeling than having to deal with a dysregulated, tantruming child in public whilst feeling the judgement of the people around you.

My kids did through the odd tantrum. I did try and control them but it is not always easy and people tutting as they walk past is never helpful. Also I am conscious I do not understand what a family is going through or if the child has health needs. I found that there isa very difficult attitude in Europe to the UK. In Italy when I tried to leave a restaurant with a child who was crying the table opposite immediately said sit down and eat Madam and the proceeded to try and entertain my baby- which worked. Many European countries are much more child inclusive and helpful than the UK which can be quite judgemental of parents IME.

Take them outside?

@MyEdgyAmberZebra

So when you come across it in real life just tell them to sort it out then. I mean you are allowed to do this, what happens afterwards who knows, but you are allowed, no need to ask if you "should" be able you. You can, if you want.

When possible.

If you have more than one kid, you might not be able to, at least quickly. If you really need to get the kid to eat, you might not be able to. If there's only a busy street or car park outside, or it's freezing, or raining, you might not be able to.

It’s the parents that let their children cause mischief at soft plays or run around restaurants/cafes that annoy me the most - and I’m a mum myself!

For goodness sake put your phone and coffee down and stop your 3 year old from throwing toys down the slide or knocking otter kids over!

Yeah like the drop kick parent at work today letting her 3 kids, under 6 use a trolley as a racecar, playing chasey with it

She knew, she didnt care, she was using the trolley and store as a babysitter

As a parent of an autistic child who sometimes has tantrums in public, your post and the poll confirms the terrible feeling I always have that many people are feeling hostile and judgmental towards my situation when I am trying to deal with my child in meltdown

We're talking about parents who ignore the situation, not those who try to manage it., so it doesn't apply to you.

But she’s clearly not talking about you? She’s talking about parents who aren’t trying to manage their kids behaviour.

As for not judging, everyone makes judgements every minute of the day. You do it too, it’s usually subconscious and instant.

I think they should be held accountable.....if their childs behaviour is impacting others and they are ignoring it.
Obviously kids can have tantrums or misbehave and I have no problem with that if its obvious the parent is aware and doing something about it (even if that something is ignoring the behaviour but monitoring it closely).

It really bugs me when they just ignore it and basically try and absolve themselves of all responsibility.
Im not a parent but from the perspective of a dog owner (tiny dogs so, 'awwww puppy!' responses). Ive been chased around parks plenty of times by kids whose parent were way off in the distance showing no interest.
I almost got a free toddler once when a tiny little girl wandered over to me and demanded I take her home to visit with the dogs! Her dad was off in the distance on his phone....maybe he had enough kids he could afford to lose one!🤔

Those of us in retail can easily spot the parent who is doing their best and there may be other stuff at play
versus
The parent who is actively ignoring their kid, giving customers and staff the side eye if we even look in their direction or tell the kid to slow down or be careful
Or the parent who is ignoring their kid saying they need the toilet and let them wet themselves in store
Allowing their kid to throw food around or rip stuff of shelves while they shop

You are not the same at all