To think that parents who don’t control their kids in public deserve public shaming?

[MyEdgyAmberZebra]

If your child is throwing a screaming tantrum in a restaurant, I shouldn’t have to “be understanding” - I should be able to tell you to sort it out.

I don’t care what others think of my parenting.

Saying something isn’t a boundary, saying something is scolding/ voicing displeasure.

you can’t set a boundary with someone you have no direct relationship with and Will never see again. Not least because they could well tell you to fuck off and ignore you (as I would tbf, although my children didn’t have tantrums)

No - I think when a child is clearly in distress and the parent’s ongoing response is total disengagement, it’s fair to be frustrated. This isn’t about a 10-second ‘snapshot.’ It’s about when it’s been going on long enough that everyone around is uncomfortable and the parent seems more bothered by the attention than their own child’s behaviour.

And while I agree that offering support can be kind in the right moment, let’s be honest - we’ve all seen situations where it’s not about needing help, it’s about not bothering. That’s the distinction I’m making and I think most reasonable people know the difference.

Well that’s good to know, because your OP and follow up post painted you as one of those intolerable people who cannot stand the sight of children and heaven forbid a parent dare leave the house with a child with a disability that manifests as noisy behaviour - perhaps be a little clearer next time.

Why would that not have happened? My DS has ASD (now an adult) and removing him was a weekly occurrence when he was a small child. I would have to pick him up and carry him outside to calm down - for his own sake, and for the comfort of other customers.

Ooh. Edgy by (user)name and edgy by nature.

It was evident you don’t have children. You really didn’t need to clarify. If you ever do, I’d wager you’ll look back at this thread and cringe.

Everyone thinks they’ll be a better parent than everyone else on the planet and they know best. Until they have kids.

Most parents aren’t wilfully ignoring their kids when they’re melting down. The vast majority are over-stimulated, stressed and tired and frankly just trying to make it through. It’s not your place to judge them. Our society is extremely intolerant of children in public, and the burden of this more often than not falls on women.

and quite frankly, the parents who have completely checked out and don’t care about their child will not give a fig about your opinion.

Goodness, OP. How often do you come across this? I’m around parents and kids daily and I certainly don’t see parents just scrolling on their phones, allowing their kids to “shriek like a siren for 15 minutes”.

Yes, if you witness this, say something if that’s what you want to do?!

Apologies @DarkForces mumsnet quoted the wrong post with my reply! I was responding to this:

but I am saying parents should at least attempt to manage the situation instead of pretending it’s everyone else’s job to tolerate it.
Tantrums happen - fine. Ignoring them while sipping your latte and scrolling TikTok like nothing’s going on? That’s the issue

never happening

My son appears as a very typical seven year old but is actually autistic. He has meltdowns at the slightest inconvenience and I get so many judgemental stares. Being publicly shamed wouldn't change his behaviour at all. I'll try telling myself to 'sort it out' next time and see how that goes...

Isn’t there an old quote that goes ‘the best parents are those without kids’ or something along those lines.

OP most parents in history, prior to having kids, thought they knew it all and would bring their kids up perfectly and looked down on parents who couldn’t ‘control’ their kids. All those parents got a sharp wake up call when they had kids 😂 If you want to judge, judge. Just know the parents with facial expressions you don’t like whilst trying to calm their child down, are likely already having a bad day. Make it worse if you want.

YABU because there are lots of versions and opinions about what “controlling your children” looks like. Some are plain stupid.

I agree. My bestie has a child with ASD and it manifested itself with the child self harming so physical restraint was needed.

No it’s not okay for a parent to not parent in those situations and having children myself I get frustrated by those who think that their little angels can just do whatever they like and behave however they want.

It comes down to being a parent and sounds like the OP just has a problem with those who choose not to. I have seen parents leave their children. (Like three year old) outside of a cafe by themselves because they were misbehaving. Alone on the pavement!

There are crappy parenting examples sometimes but as long as the parents are trying to deal with the situation then I am fine. Otherwise it’s rude and inconsiderate to think everyone else should have to suffer a screaming child for example a the parent is just ignoring them.

Additionally boundaries don’t require any action from other people. They’re in respect of your own behaviour and actions. Therefore perhaps next time you could set a boundary and remove yourself from the situation.

I’m not sure on this tbh.

I do get that it’s annoying when children are effectively running riot undisciplined etc but I tend to choose to ignore it because you’re only seeing a snapshot of someone’s day and you don’t know that the parents aren’t at the end of their tether with it.

I was on a train from Manchester to London once and a woman was sitting across from me with four children with her. They were being disruptive and annoying other passengers and it looked as though the mum wasn’t doing much to stop them but another passenger had a pop at her about it and I did ask her to step away and stop having a go. It was unnecessarily critical. The mum was in tears by this point and didn’t even try to say anything back. She was having an awful time with them and really didn’t need a stranger interfering and pointing out the obvious. I spent the rest of the journey chatting to her and she was upset about it the whole way. I always think of her if I see similar in a restaurant etc. I don’t think the other passenger saying anything helped her or stopped the behaviour and I felt really sorry for her.

So yes, I agree it’s not fun having your peaceful time disrupted but I don’t see what it achieves to confront it.

I’m on the fence here. People are paying money and spending valuable leisure time out and about and do not want to listen to screaming brats. The parents should be trying to get it under control. But I do know, as a new mother myself, the stress and pressure to calm a child down is awful, the sweat up the back, the panic. If the parents aren’t trying then that’s really bad and they deserve to be told but if the parents appear to be trying then they deserve a bit of a break as rest-assured they’re dying inside.

I have toddler and a baby spend a lot of time in places full of young children and only very rarely see this.

You can tell them to ‘sort it out’ if you want but if they’re not already trying they probably won’t care what you think.

It’s not something I see constantly but it does happen - and when it does, it’s hard to ignore. I’m not talking about the odd cry or quick tantrum, which is totally normal. I’m talking about those rare but very real situations where the child is clearly disruptive for an extended period and the parent appears completely disengaged.

If you’ve never witnessed it, great - maybe you’re lucky or in a more attentive parenting bubble. But it doesn’t mean others haven’t experienced it. My point isn’t that all parents do this - just that when it happens, it’s unreasonable to expect everyone else to just tolerate it in silence.

Ok, taking your idea at face value - what if you tell a parent to engage with their child, they do, and the tantrum escalates as a result?

Fortunately the birth rate is dropping so fast you won't have to worry about it for much longer. And a robot will wipe your arse for you when you're old.

The ones that aren't visably trying to parent are the types to argue back or get physical with anyone trying to shame them, go on and try it and see how it goes.

Can’t we tell your not a mother 🤣🤣🤣 if my child was stressing me out having a tantrum and a nosey judgemental person(you) tried to tell me what to do or how to handle MY child, I’d take all my stress out on you 🤣 that’ll teach u to keep your nose out that’s for sure

If a parent genuinely tries to engage and it escalates, that’s still trying. That’s literally the opposite of what I’m criticising. Tantrums happen - that’s life. But making an effort shows respect for the people around you and for your own child.

What’s frustrating is when there’s no effort. When a parent chooses to disengage entirely and leaves everyone else to deal with the noise and tension, that’s where I think it crosses a line. The issue isn’t noise - it’s neglecting to manage it at all.

Haha super hero! I can take the kid home and cook it dinner whilst ya at it 🤦‍♀️

*you

I get what you mean. My DD rarely has tantrums and I'm lucky that her temperament is not overly inclined towards them. But when she does have a moment, if we're in a café or restaurant, anywhere in public and indoors basically, I will always take her outside while we get ourselves together.
I am not sure what I'd do if I had multiple children though. If one is happily enjoying their food and one is melting down, would I leave the calm one alone to help regulate the other? Would I make them both leave? I might be inclined to see how it plays out for a few minutes. I don't really know. Some parents do seem truly overwhelmed and that isn't your problem or mine, but I do think the conversation around what we expect from parents should be nuanced.