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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

412 replies

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:18

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 02/04/2025 18:22

What exactly has upset you so much?

IPM · 02/04/2025 18:24

How is it inheritance if her dad is still alive?

Either way I think telling someone they're 'so lucky' when they grew up without their father for over 20 years is a bit crass.

You're both being given money, that's why she likened the two things.

REDB99 · 02/04/2025 18:25

I think she means that you’ve both had money ‘for free’ in that neither of you have had to work to get it so in that sense it could be comparable. But you’re offended as you see her ‘unearned’ money as different from your ‘unearned’ money. You need your unearned money to live of but she doesn’t. You both sound a bit resentful of the other.

Ace56 · 02/04/2025 18:26

I mean, you’re both being given money for nothing. So technically, she’s right. However you have completely different circumstances so this was a bit tactless of her.

Lifestooshort71 · 02/04/2025 18:26

Perhaps she heard some bitterness and jealousy in your tone and snapped back without thinking? Be a shame to let a misunderstanding come between you.

IPM · 02/04/2025 18:27

Ace56 · 02/04/2025 18:26

I mean, you’re both being given money for nothing. So technically, she’s right. However you have completely different circumstances so this was a bit tactless of her.

I think they both sound as though they have a tact allergy lol.

RedSkyDelights · 02/04/2025 18:27

So it's not an inheritance (her father is still alive) so there isn't any sadness about losing the person attached?

I think she took your comment to be you being jealous at getting this unexpected money from someone who is essentially a stranger without "doing anything", so she pointed out that you are also lucky that you also get money for nothing (benefits).

You're both annoyed by each other's remarks, but if you are good friends you need to talk to each other.

candycane222 · 02/04/2025 18:27

Ugh that was a really thoughtless remark on her part, at best!

It's possible she feels a bit awkward about having had this "hand up" that is not available to you, but a clumsy way to put it if so.

(Id also be wondering if this fift from her dad has some hidden strings, but of course you can't really mention that now for fear she feels you are maybe suggesting it out of jealousy)

I wouldn't necessarily cut her out of my life for this but I might want to find a way of expressing some bewliderment/hurt that she had that thought.

Fastingandhungry · 02/04/2025 18:28

Both free money.

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:31

No, her father hasn’t died. Sorry for the misleading title. Apparently this money will be deducted from the amount she receives when he does, eventually, pass away, hence why I called it inheritance. It’s a gift really.

OP posts:
IPM · 02/04/2025 18:31

candycane222 · 02/04/2025 18:27

Ugh that was a really thoughtless remark on her part, at best!

It's possible she feels a bit awkward about having had this "hand up" that is not available to you, but a clumsy way to put it if so.

(Id also be wondering if this fift from her dad has some hidden strings, but of course you can't really mention that now for fear she feels you are maybe suggesting it out of jealousy)

I wouldn't necessarily cut her out of my life for this but I might want to find a way of expressing some bewliderment/hurt that she had that thought.

I wouldn't necessarily cut her out of my life for this but I might want to find a way of expressing some bewliderment/hurt that she had that thought.

What thought?

They're both being given money and that's what she was pointing out to the OP.

The only difference is her friend's came in the form of a lump sum.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/04/2025 18:31

There wasn’t much tact from either of you to be honest, but I can see why she made the comparison, you ARE both receiving free money.

2024onwardsandup · 02/04/2025 18:33

You are getting benefits for free - how is what she said incorrect?

Arlanymor · 02/04/2025 18:33

Tactless on both sides - the comparison was that you are both in receipt of money that neither of you have earned through work, right? As I say, tactless, but is it more than that in your view?

batsandeggs · 02/04/2025 18:35

I’m not clear what has upset you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2025 18:38

Why are you upset?

Btw you don’t get benefits because your ex doesn’t support you? It’s because you work part time and have 3 kids isn’t it?

mummyh2016 · 02/04/2025 18:39

I think she thought you were making a dig. She’s not wrong though is she.

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

OP posts:
Neweverything25 · 02/04/2025 18:40

You are overthinking it. Do you think she is also upset right now? Not worth losing friendship over unless there other issues or you can't get over feelings of resentment. Just call her to hang out and move on...

BobbyBiscuits · 02/04/2025 18:40

Hmmm...I'd say it's her problem rather than yours.

Crazycatlady79 · 02/04/2025 18:41

I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support

Why would you say this, though?

Both of you were tactless towards the other.

Overthebow · 02/04/2025 18:43

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

Does it matter what each of you use the money for? You’ve made different choices and have both got money for free.

IPM · 02/04/2025 18:45

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

The fact is you're both still getting money you didn't earn.

That's all.

No big deal.

2024onwardsandup · 02/04/2025 18:45

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

You’re jealous of her basically. She made her choices not to have children or life happened that way and she works full time. You made your choices.

BassesAreBest · 02/04/2025 18:45

theusualdrama · 02/04/2025 18:40

I get where people are coming from, but the support I get helps me take care of my children’s basic needs like food, clothes and paying the rent and bills. The money she’s received has opened doors for her to better her life and possibly own something valuable one day. For me, owning a home feels so out of reach, so I don’t share the same perspective. That’s really what’s bothering me.

But you chose to have children, so the money you’re getting supports that choice.

She doesn’t have children, so the money she’s getting supports her choice to buy a house.

I don’t think either of you have been particularly tactful. But I also don’t really see there’s anything to fall out over here.

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