Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

You both sound like tact-free zones but you started it so ...

It doesn’t really matter who was right and who was wrong, I wouldn’t lose a good friend over this. It sounds like you are both touchy and maybe it was a miscommunication. Make the first move if you want your friend back.

Totally get why you were offended, @theusualdrama it didn't bear comparison and your friend was crass and insensitive to basically rub your nose in the fact you need to claim benefits. I can see why you have felt too uncomfortable to talk to her.

Nobody said she’s planning on living off benefits. But the benefits are money for nothing not for her work. What point were you making?

This is an excellent point.

Apparently our society has such low expectations of the Menz to do the right thing by their own children, and so little faith in the civil servants of the CMS to actually enforce their own pitiful rulings, that the default assumption is that between them, they will do fuck all. We are expected to suck this up, not question it, and stump up every time.

We should all be questioning this with our MPs and not letting it go. Other countries would be on the streets.

She works 18 hours per week.
That’s half a week.

She is right - you are supported by the state (for free), she is supported by her father (for free). What upset you so much? Your support is though much more than hers - surely you realise that?

Less.

I was being generous 😁

But your life choice was to have kids hers isnt? And I think her reply was perfectly fair as well.

Being from a financially secure but emotionally dysfunctional family, I get the “But at least…” comments a lot.

If she was talking about it with some negativity it means she had some complicated or some conflicting feelings about it.

Maybe she shouldn’t have spoken about it with you, given your situation, but it does make sense given your clearly close relationship.

Agreed.

@pinkdelight my point is that I was surprised, that’s all? Most of the comments towards OP were passive aggressive about her benefits and I was surprised

Apart from the fact that men vote as well.

It looks like you think of your benefits as earned money. You have earnt it because you have three kids and are working (very little). Someone is working a lot more than you, to psy for your choices. To pay for you not working a lot, and deciding to have three kids.

This, makes you sound entitled and out of touch with reality.

Well it is her right to claim benefits, regardless of what the public think of it. Laws about it and everything cementing all these rights.

I’m not from the UK, but how is it that you have so many single mothers? And fathers who get away with it? It’s extreme, compared to most other countries. What kind of society lets this happen? It’s like going back 150 years in time.

I’m with you. The two are not comparable.

I can sorta understand her being upset but her comment seems reactive and sounded spiteful whereas I think what you said was maybe a bit clumsy but not ill meant.

YABU - least her money isn’t from the tax payer. she works FT and has received some inheritance early. Your comment about being ‘lucky’ was unnecessary so I’m not surprised she retaliated.

Agreed. You had three children. I have two because I couldn't see how we could comfortably afford a third though I longed for a third child. And I work 55- 60 hours every week (just got home after a 12:hour day) so I'm pretty envious of your 18 hours too and somewhat bitter...

Your point is?

Sadly feckless fathers get a vote, if they can be bothered to exercise it. However, the tragedy is that no political party is raising this as the massive issue that it is.

So none of us get a vote on it, and nothing is done.

Agree. But her money is from the tax payer. Her friends money isn’t.

Only because she seems to think they’re distinct from her friend’s money in some way that the rest of us don’t follow. It’s all money that’s come to them unearned but OP takes umbrage at that idea because she has kids or something, it’s not quite clear.

Yes, completely agree. But it won't change.
I'm old enough to remember when the gov in the 1990s tried to do something about this. The howls of 'it's not fair men are made to pay' could be heard from outer space. Lots of those complaints came from women as well, second wives and partners. You see it on here all the time as well, women talking about how their partner ex bleeds them dry.

Maybe as somebody that works full-time, and pays taxes that support your lifestyle choice to work part-time, she found it a bit rich for you to try and shame her for receiving the parental support that's enabled her to buy a house?