Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

You’ve both been given money for nothing, what’s the problem with comparing them??

Of course you were rightfully upset OP because it’s not comparable. She was probably upset by your comment as she grew up without father and his return to her life stayed a sensitive topic for her. However there was no need in her such a mean remark. You are receiving benefits because you are struggling and the society doesn’t want your children to suffer absolutely not the same as extra support from a family member (even if their relationship is tricky).

When you look at it analytically, you are both living your lives on the back of Other Buggers' Efforts. (The old OBE joke).

Why is your ex not supporting his children? Your problems lie elsewhere.

However there was no need in her such a mean remark.

What was mean about it?

Your friend could have been a whole lot more tactful.

"what a peculiar notion"😂

You're referring to person A when when were discussing persons B. Person A isn't relevant. Persons B are both in receipt of handouts.

She’s not wrong, and you sound jealous.

Well I work full time to take care of my children’s basic needs. Decided only to have two. You DO get free money. But you think it’s your basic right. Wake up.

People are missing the fact that the ex not providing any support is irrelevant in terms of putting the burden on the tax-payer.
the ex could pay thousands every month and the op would still receive the exact amount of benefits she received now at the cost of the taxpayer. Child maintenance is not counted as income.

my DH pays 1.5k per month to his ex and it is not included in her benefits calculation. She therefore gets nearly 2k in benefits for 3 children + minimum wage. The tax payer is paying for something that the father already covers.

My dad fucked off when I was a toddler, everyone has ALWAYS insisted as his only child I will inherit. He actively hates me, completely cut me off a decade ago and most have realized that its highly unlikely I will ever get anything from him in life but if I did inherit it I would be very lucky.

Its factually a decent amount, includes all my Nanas stuff he inherited (and I DID have a good relationship with her) and would also come with very little pain (unlike when my mam died and I would rather have her back than the money).

Not having a father was not a hardship to my life in anyway. Frankly he is a shitty person and I'm a million times better off without him actively in my life but the money he is sat on (after a lifetime of dodging child support etc...) would logically be a helpful windfall.

I would let it go.
I would prefer to have 3 children and to work part time than to get 50 grand towards a house and work full time. Maybe that’s why she was touchy about it as she would also prefer to have 3 children and to work part time rather than full time.
On a separate note you may be able to buy a house through a part buy part rent scheme. There are ways it can be done. Maybe if this has made you think you want a house look into the ways you can make that happen. My first house was a shared equity one and I didn’t have any money at all for a deposit.

I’m surprised at the amount of people calling benefits money for nothing considering you’re employed.

Benefits enable her to work part time, if the kids dad did contribute (which he should) she would still be entitled to the same benefits because maintenance doesn’t count towards income for benefits purposes. The wages she gets from her job is what she earns, the tax payer is then subsidising both low wages and part time working. Benefits is indeed money for nothing, because as a society we don’t penalise children for their parents choices, which is a good thing.

I wonder if perhaps your tone came across as jealous rather than positive as you meant it to be and she snapped back.

Maybe give it a few days they give her a ring.

There are rules around cash gifts, currently its £3,000 per year (then there are survival terms eg if within 7 years tax payable). I wonder how they have gotten around that, maybe just not declared, but she could be in trouble if he dies and probate turns up the £50K and may be liable for tax, not sure if it would be included in inheritable allowance if it was given when alive. Might make you feel a bit better. Could be all sorts of reasons she justified her windfall like that, rightly or wrongly if you have been best friends for 15 years it should be possible to talk it through. good luck.

Did you have all your three children, and after that their father suddenly decided to leave?

OP - do not listen to those spouting in about you being given ‘money for nothing’ - you work and pay taxes and are given the minimum amount of top ups so you can survive with three children to juggle into the mix

That is VASTLY different from a childless friend able to work with no restrictions and having £50000 bunged to her in addition to her unfettered ability to work and earn a full time wage.

what utter nonsense I see on MN these days.

How much do you work, OP?

That’s irrelevant - yes it will be in the estate if he dies within 7 years or he may live many years more

regardless, op has said it came off her future inheritance so she will get that much less than her siblings

What do you mean you dont share the same perspective? this is all about choices isnt it?- you chose to have three kids so you now have less available cash to buy a house.

She chose not to have kids and therefore can spend money on a house, because she doesnt have kids to pay for. It has nothing to do with perspective and everything to do with consequences of lifestyle choices. I have two kids, would have liked a third but we couldnt afford it at the time so we didnt.

You are coming across as quite resentful and bitter tbh

Why isn't your children's father paying CMS?

Your friends father is giving her his financial support - aren't you just jealous?

I mean, I think she is very wrong to compare the two in any meaningful way, but I can't see any way in which it is personally offensive? I can see getting into a political argument (of the discussion kind) about the differences, but why anyone would feel they had ben insulted is beyond me.

You're both getting money you haven't earned. You get yours because she goes to work all day to pay for it.

I don't begrudge anybody on benefits; I wish I lived in a society where those who needed them received much more. But I pay thousands each month in tax; if someone on benefits commented on me getting a handout because a family member had gifted me something, I think my response would be a little curt too!

I didn’t say it’s for her work, I said “considering you’re employed”. Which clearly means she’s not planning on just living off of benefits.

This!

I earn a lot. I know people in my life who have low paid jobs, crap absent fathers and really struggle. I empathise

I didn't read everyone else's responses yet but from your posts, it sounds like you both meant well but somehow triggered each other, causing the conversation to take an unexpected sour turn.

If you want to keep this friendship, why not consider just texting her. "Hey, I am very, very sorry about the unexpected turn our last conversation took. I think we both had the best of intentions but it all somehow got jumbled. Meet for lunch this week?