Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

You had the confidence to have children.

Perhaps she desperately wants children but hasn't because she doesn't feel that she will be able to afford them. Maybe she envies you your family and the govt support that allows you to provide for them.

You've both been given money. You use yours to feed & clothe your children, maybe she will use hers to sort out her house and then she can work less and risk having a baby.

You never know people's unhappinesses unless you go inside their heads.

I don’t really understand what it is that’s bothering you, you both are getting money for free, and you chose to have children?

Your latest post shows you are jealous, despite saying you’re not. You made the first unhelpful comment, she replied in kind. Just let it go.

Plenty of people would consider you lucky to have 3 kids you presumably wanted, and to work part time, and to get benefits. But you don’t seem to think that’s fair and you haven’t explained why.

Perhaps she desperately wants children but hasn't because she doesn't feel that she will be able to afford them. Maybe she envies you your family and the govt support that allows you to provide for them.

Or maybe like millions of other women around the world she doesn't want to have children.

And maybe she doesn't need to envy the OP because she's living her best life and now has a new home to add to it.

Either way, both the OP and her friend are doing their own thing in life.

I don't see the problem. You both recieve money from other people. In fact, I would guess that over the years, you probably receive more

Are you upset because you think you have earnt the benefits in some way by having kids?

I suspect she thought you were having a dig and had a dig back

also you have had a long relationship - perhaps over the years you have made comments that have made her think you take the benefits for granted?

Is it worth losing a friendship over?

I think your friend got upset by your comment and stroke back. It is likely that the relationship with her father is wobbly, as he has not been there for years. Many fathers do try to buy approval and affection in those circumstances. It is not easy. Your friend will have a mixture of resentment and gratefulness and nostalgia, sadness, happiness, many emotions. You should not have put your finger in the wound. It is not nice of her to retaliate either. But we are all humans.
Text her, say you are sorry to have upset her, as it seems she got upset. Leave it behind you both.

I get where you're coming from OP. Her money is a huge lump sum that she can use to better her life in any way she wants. Your money comes in bits and you don't have the choice to use it to better your lifestyle (from what you've said). The two really aren't comparable. And I also don't think you were tactless for saying she's lucky - she is!

Don’t understand the issue. She may have detected a bit of jealousy in your comment that she’s lucky, when from her perspective, she’s a full time worker, she hadn’t had 3 children and is only able to get on the housing ladder with help. And what she says is factually correct: you’re also receiving money which you don’t earn (as you only work part time)which pays for many of the things she presumably funds herself.

it sounds like the whole conversation was a little clumsy but I really can’t see that she’s done anything awful

Well you are being supported by the state, and she has just been a little bit supported by her dad.

You've both had free money. And hers isn't paid for by tax payers.

She got a gift from her father, you get a gift from the taxpayer 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re making a very big deal out of this and it seems to be because of jealousy.

But OP’s friend may think OP is lucky as well! Particularly as OP can afford to work part time, if OP’s friend works full time.

That’s nothing like an inheritance, op 🙄
So, you both get money for nothing, and you’re offended she’s pointed this out? Why?

But you chose to have children and didn't even stop at one or two. You've got 3 kids and choose to work part time. You are extremely lucky that you live in a country which funds your children's basic needs for you. It is literally free money. You are being extremely unreasonable by begrudging somebody else that luxury.

Where on earth have you got that she must be jealous because OP has children?!

And op may still get inheritance off her dad one day as well.

YABU nobody wants comments about their estranged parents especially from their friends. I know this. It’s touching a very raw wound.

Also perhaps your friend struggles to feel lucky, because she would've preferred to have a relationship with her father for the 20+ that she didn't?

It's similar to telling someone who's claimed compensation for something bad that's happened to them, "Oh you're so lucky to get that money".

Many people would view it as your responsibility to take care of your children’s basic needs. Unfortunately, you are unable to provide for them and therefore, rely on money that you haven’t earned to do so. She has compared it because she also got money she hasn’t earned. I’m not sure why you’re offended? At least hers was from a family member - yours is from strangers whose taxes support you.

This

I'm glad you are able to receive benefits to help you provide for your children. Its really you ex who should be helping provide for them though.

I suspect your comment about her dad came from a place of envy. Can I blame you? No - I can imagine most people would feel envious of a friend getting such a life changing gift. Being envious does not negate you still being happy for her. You can feel both emotions at the same time. Your comment probably just slipped out - if you had some time to think about its a thought you might not have said out loud.

I suspect she reacted because this money is probably something that she has mentally debated about how she feels about accepting money from a man that did not support her through childhood. She might have both positive and negative feelings about this money and being around someone who is triggering the negative feelings might be something she wants to avoid.

If I was you I would be apologising to her if she feels you have upset her - it seems such a shame to let go of such a long friendship over some careless comments.

Sorry you deserved the clap back.

She has chosen not to have children and her 'free' money has come at zero cost from a private source, you chose to have children and your 'free' money comes at a cost to the taxpayer from public funds. I can see why she why she might have taken umbrage at your comment.

You are both getting free money, you probably an awful lot more overall. You made different choices. It isn't her fault you have 3 children you can't afford and you don't have to work full time. I imagine she doesn't feel "lucky" to have an estranged father and your comment touched a nerve.