Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

You'd be able to afford a house without three children. She doesn't have children, so can afford the house. What would bring more pleasure to you?

Surely you see that you are being given money, as opposed to what you earn from working part-time, that gives you a standard of life you otherwise couldn't afford? Imagine life with only what you earn?
Your friend was clumsy,, but your overthinking is the only difference.

Ffs, these comments are classic Mumsnet 😂 of course receiving benefits to help feed and clothe your kids isn’t the same as receiving a lump sum of 50 grand 🤣

This, really!

I cannot believe the number of people here resenting a person for living on benefits. It is very disheartening. Is this how majority people think in the UK? I am glad I do not live there. Where I live, people do not blame others for their misfortunes. And, no I do not and never had to live on benefits, but if did I would not think myself lucky for it.

These two are absolutely not the same things. OP gets benefits to feed her family, pay bills and live day to day. Her friend got a fortune, suddenly and unexpectedly, that will enable to her to become a homeowner, which is out of the reach for the OP.

OP you are not being unreasonable, these things are not the same at all. What you told her was a fact, and she was being mean to you. I would not reach out to this friend again.

@theusualdrama AND why arent you getting cms from the father of your kids???

This

Yes but there is a language and culture of rights and entitlement around benefits 'only claiming what I'm entitled to'. Maybe that's why the poster sees it differently.
In fairness, we also have a culture of entitlement around inheritance as well.

You’re getting benefits essentially from those who are net taxpayers ie high earners. She has been given money from an estranged parent. Her parent may or may not have expectations that come with that money. The taxpayer cannot expect anything from you in return. Her father may well expect a relationship, care, etc.

Agree with this.

I don’t really understand the issue. You both receive/received free money albeit from different sources. You need to use your free money to feed your kids and thats down to the choices you made. She uses her free money to get on the property ladder/make home improvements and that’s down to the choices she made. Either way you are both very lucky to be receiving free money regardless of where it comes from.

But you could argue that it's the other money she has that you don't have that has made the difference in your lifestyles, the money she perhaps earns and has saved?
Shes right it's money you are both being given that you haven't had to earn via work. You see to think you 'deserve' the free money more than she does because you have to spend it on your children but you chose to have those children?

Is choosing to have 3 children a 'misfortune'?!
If course it's not, it's a choice that has consequences, including higher costs and it potentially being harder to work full time and earn more.

I just chose you as a random sample @2024onwardsandup
of people effectively saying, that as they both got money for free they are both virtually in the same position, which I don't really agree with at all.

One of the best friends received an -almost certainly deserved ĺarge gift - from the father she was reunited with. This friend was able to buy a house for herself with the help of the large gift.

The other friend, @theusualdrama, works part-time and receives a benefit from the government to enable her to actually feed her children and herself, keep a roof over all of their heads, and clothe them as well. I doubt that the OP has any money left over for "luxuries". By luxuries I mean things like going to the cinema, taking her children to a theme park or a zoo for the day. I particularly doubt that she can afford any holidays - except maybe for a wet camping trip in Skegness during the second week of Wimbledon!

The OP probably has to qualify for her benefit, which can also lead to a lot of stress for many people (sorry, but I don't know the necessary requirements for people being able to access any of the benefits), but even in my ignorance, I don't expect that any of us would ever feel jealous of the OP, and her financial status, whereas some of us might feel jealous of someone suddenly receiving a large lump sum, which enables them to be able to buy their own home.

Both friends had less than ideal childhoods, as did I, and probably at least some of the other Mumsnetters. I just can't understand how so many of the PPs cannot see the differences between the OP and her once best friend.

Edited for typing errors.

This is incredibly short sighted given that her children will be contributors to the generations pension pot if they’re working.

There don’t seem to be many consequences for the father do there???

Comments In this thread are yet another example of why we need an entire generation of women refusing flatly to have children.

and whay a mess that wood create if it actually happened.

It’s infuriating the short shifted ness and lack of basic critical thinking skills here on MN.

it used to be a place I admired - now it’s just a fess pit of people passing judgment and lacking in the most basic of critical thinking skills

Maybe she doesn’t feel lucky to have not had her father in her life for years? Maybe he would have supported her much more over the years if he’d been around and this lump sum being knocked off future inheritance feels… hollow? Or like she’s been paid off for all the years apart? Not right to compare it to benefits but I think you may have upset her first and she was trying to niggle you a bit.

It sounds like she was offended that you said she was lucky. Maybe she feels sensitive about people potentially judging how she came by the money. (She didn't earn it. It's not fair that she has it and they don't.) Pain over her difficult history with her father may be tangled up in there, as well.

Oh good, another benefits bashing thread. Benefits aren't free money and neither are they a gift from tax payers.

Your friend has obvious felt a bit resentful of your 'free money' in the past or she wouldn't have called it that. That's why she took the opportunity to jab back at you when you said she was lucky. I think it's hard for women in such different circumstances to stay friends because both feel that their life is tougher.

....or all 3 of them could be like the OP and in receipt of benefits to support 4 people.... you really can't assume that having kids will ensure you produce net contributors.

The OP will have received a lot more than £50k during the last five years.

She's probably getting £25k+ a year.

What are benefits if not free money then?

How on earth people see having to claim UC as a single parent as equivalent to being gifted £50k by a parent completely beats me! I’d be upset if it were my friend too. I’ve recently gifted my dc a house deposit and I’m grateful I can-and so is he. He would never compare it to someone claiming benefits and knows he’s lucky.

Sorry but why should I pay for you to have children when the feckless father refuses to pay?

Well the OP doesn’t have her father in her life either so it would seem lucky.