Best friend compared her inheritance to my benefits

[theusualdrama]

My closest friend, who I have known for 15 years, is currently single, employed full time and has recently purchased her first home after years of renting. She doesn’t have any children. She grew up with her mother and didn’t see her father for over 20 years. He runs his own business and is quite wealthy. On the other hand, I’m a single parent with 3 children. I work part time and rent a small house. I rely on universal credit since my ex doesn’t provide any financial support. Like my friend, I was also raised by a single parent and have no connection with my father. He’s also very well off but has never offered any help or support. Even though, we share similar backgrounds, we’ve clearly taken different paths in life.

She recently reconnected with her dad, who gave her £50,000 to help with a house deposit. I was absolutely thrilled for her, knowing how challenging it was for her to purchase a house on her own without this money. We got together for coffee earlier, and I asked her how the house renovations were going. She filled me in on all the upgrades she’s done and everything. I mentioned how lucky she was to have her father’s support, and I meant that in a positive way. It seems she was offended, as she subsequently likened her inheritance to me receiving benefits for free (her words).

It was uncomfortable after that and we haven’t spoken since. Her comment keeps running through my head, and I’m really surprised she believes it’s the same situation.

AIBU?

Well you could work full time, earn more money and not be funded by the tax payer for your lifestyle choice.
Why aren’t you claiming CMS?

You made a poor word choice and she snapped back. Saying lucky wasn’t the best choice

You say yours is used to feed your child then aren’t you lucky to live in a country that has a social system that supports single parents… see you are both lucky

So she was right and if you were genuinely happy for her then I’d suggest reaching out and repairing the friendship

Quite.

Actually, I wish more people who lived off inheritance saw the money as no different to benefits. IME they all seem to think they've done something to earn or deserve it.

At any rate, it's true. It's unearned money that you're both using. I say that with no malicious intent, I also receive UC. I think you were rude to say she was lucky to have her dad's support when he's done fuck all for decades and then handed her a lump sum though

The fact that your ex doesn’t contribute towards his children is shit behaviour - and puts an extra burden on the taxpayer. That includes taxpayers who can’t afford 3 children or to work part time. Be angry with your ex by all means - he sounds like a dick. But don’t take your feelings out on a friend.

So OP, you feel that you haven't had a chance to better your lifestyle??
If you're using your free money to provide the absolute basics to your children (food and clothes), then you most definitely have! Because being able to feed and clothe your children is better than the alternative!

This. Sounds like a bit of a dig at her to be honest. Like you’re telling her she’s only able to buy her house because her dad gave the cash, implying she hasn’t worked hard and doesn’t deserve it.
You should apologise.

Depending on ages, it's rarely a life style choice more an inability to find childcare.

As for CMS, there a million reasons women don't receive it. The question is for the men who choose not to pay

Of course it’s different to benefits.

It’s the earned income of someone who wishes to pass it on, not a state handout funded by tax payers.
Neither are either earned or deserved.
What a very peculiar notion

You were tactless and it sounded a bit of an envious comment. I'm not surprised she responded pointing out the unearned income you receive.

I don't think it means she resents your benefits (and nor do I) but you are certainly getting financial support. As is she.

I think you're being needlessly competitive in a 'who has it hardest' stakes that's entirely in your head. If your DC's dad paid for the kids, you wouldn't need benefits. If her dad had been around when it really counted, he might not be forking out for her now. Both cases involve men being shit about their parental responsibilities yet you choose to compete with your female friend about who has it hardest. She sees you as similar to her which should be a nice thing for friends who've not had it easy, yet you resent her for it and need some recognition that you're less 'lucky'. You seeing providing for the 3 DC you chose to have as being somehow more worthy than her getting a house. If you were truly happy for her, you'd not need to score points off her in this imaginary contest. As many others have said, the bottom line is you both have got money you didn't earn that helps you. To push it beyond that just makes you sound jealous of what she has and ungrateful for what you get instead of acknowledging that you've both had it hard and are entitled to whatever help comes your way.

You made a bit of a dig at her, she took offence and chose to snap back at you.

I would apologise if I were you, it’s very likely she will apologise in return. It’s hardly something to lose a long term close friend over.

Exactly.

Otherwise Christmas presents would be benefits.

You are probably both being a little over sensitive TBH.

Your friend was without her dad for 20 years, she could quite easily have taken your comment to be less kindly meant than it was.

It really doesn’t sound worth losing a strong friendship over.

I mean there not dissimilar OP if you add your benefits up over the years (depending on how long claiming and what you recieve) it's probably not far off just hers is a lump sum from a parent but both are "free" to the recipients.

Her buying a house maybe a pipedream for you but also works both ways she might have wanted kids etc.

Maybe see it from both sides before getting upset at a friend - you say you meant it nicely but it doesn't read that way and it clearly didn't to your friend.

You both get money you haven’t earned that improves your lives? Her’s comes from a family member, whereas yours is taken from taxpayers who may well rather it was spent elsewhere. I don’t see why you are so offended.

I’m surprised at the amount of people calling benefits money for nothing considering you’re employed.

I agree it sounds like a dig.

Also having three children does mean you get a certain safety net she won't ever be entitled to without kids.
You would be higher up the list for social housing, child benefit, work related benefits plus the out of work benefits with young kids, rent and council tax support.

I was much better at Uni being a single parent in terms of grants and bursaries that those without kids.

Free support is free support so it is comparable. I think your comments hit a nerve, she retaliated.

Tbh 50k as a deposit likely means a pretty hefty mortgage most places in the U.K…. Which your friend will only have been able to get through working full time and showing several years of careful budgeting. She’s hardly getting something for nothing.

You sounded jealous, Im afraid.
She has chosen not to have children and she has been fortunate to be gifted some cash from a relative. You’ve chosen to have children that you now can’t afford, and are relying on benefits. The tax payer is helping to fund your children and I think she felt she needed to remind you of that given you felt the need to bring up her free money.

Her wage is the money for her part-time employment. Her benefits are the money for her DC because her ex doesn't pay anything so she can't fund the basics without the benefits. Which bit of that is the benefits being for her work?

So really you’re feeling bad about your own position and not what she said. Maybe you unintentionally came across as a bit dismissive.

Her comparison was fair because it’s all financial support that you didn’t work for. You can’t see yourself owning a home but were your renting situations similar before she bought her home? If she’s been working full time and struggling to afford private rent she’s been doing the best she can in her circumstances just like you have.

You have three children and she doesn’t. I’d take children over a mortgaged house any day.

Yep- this! and she doesnt have children so of course she can spend her money on things other than children, like a house, for example. You do have children and so some of your money will naturally go on that because it needs to.

You both have different responsibilities in life so I dont understand why you sound so resentful about her spending her money on a house - why shouldn't she spend her money on a house? if she also had three kids I bet she would be in a more similar situation to you, but she isnt.

I think you need to apologise because saying she is lucky to receive money from a man she probably has all sorts of difficult feelings about is most certainly tactless and a bit hurtful. Her comment to you was snapping back at your perceived slight I bet.

Is it really worth losing your best friend over one snarky comment, though?