DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

I see this as a 50/50 sort of situation. What I mean by that is, sometimes your point is very valid and necessary and sometimes it is more of a judgement of him. He’s using your OCD and anxiety to excuse anything and gaslight you in to backing off because that’s how he feels. He’s not willing to communicate with you as he’s feeling criticised. I think the poster that recommended rephrasing it was very good, I.E. “lean forwards for daddy”. If he finds the one year old hard to carry and his joints and arms are aching when he returns, that’s on him. The bottom line is, you know he wouldn’t put your children in any knowing danger, it’s just his standards aren’t the same as yours. Allowing a 2 year old on any road to walk without holding hands or using back pack reins is just not a good idea is it. Full stop. I would have made the same point if it were me tbh. That’s just reckless. Have you explained you aren’t trying to criticise him, you are battling the other voice in your head and are worried if you don’t say it out loud and something happened you’d be devastated and blame yourself. I think he needs to be let in on what’s going on in your head more so he understands it’s not really anything to do with him, but your anxiety. I hope you find a solution OP 🫂

Honestly? Yes. He is also a parent and your constant undermining must be driving him mad. I grew up with a controlling mother. I learned there was ‘danger’ round every corner. It led me to grow up overly anxious and afraid to try anything new until I went the opposite and had to leave.

I understand how you feel. I'm nervous about roads and stairs and my partner is far more laid back. I think it's a balancing act but if the anxiety is overwhelming then perhaps try some CBT or seek support. It's not helpful when people rant instead of talking it through. I feel for you and hope in time that you'll feel better about things xx

I have to be honest here. I understand the fear of "what if" and am always telling my son to be careful and to mind where he walks, etc.

I don't, however, tell his dad to be careful with him. I trust that his dad has his best interests at heart also... or I wouldn't have chosen him to parent with me.

But letting kids as young as that run near a busy road seems absolutely crazy to me as they don't have the same grasp on danger. Also allowing kids to run off out of sight when there have been attempted abductions in the area?! In relation to this, YANBU!.

I did the same op. You wanted your baby safe and in your head saying be careful made you feel better.
Also who wouldn’t have their heart on their mouth of their most important thing wasn’t hanging backwards at a high height for a concrete surface.

He clearly has done some silly things . I understand your need to say to him as a reassurance to yourself that you reminded him.

I can see he may also get fed up though.
Seems you are both doing a fine job though . 😊
Parenting isn’t easy .

My wife has been very similar to you our whole lives, constantly criticising, telling me what to do, telling me I’m wrong, thankfully I have decided to get a divorce, it’s like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders

I don't think you're being generally unreasonable given that your DC are 4 and 1 - OF COURSE the 1 year-old is safer in a buggy crossing a busy main road than being carried on DH's (or your) shoulders, and a 2 year-old should not be running on a pavement of a busy main road without one of you holding their hand. Yes, it's not possible to completely avoid risks, however the two of you do need to sit down and have a serious talk about the above issues, and go to couples counselling if you cannot reach agreement between yourselves about how to parent your children.
Unfortunately some men can be a bit reckless about things like carrying small toddlers on their shoulders; such men do unfortunately need to be told when it's safe to do this (e.g in a park or at home) and when it's not (e.g crossing a busy main road) -the most important issue is the child's safety, not how the father feels about the mother raising the issue with him.
He needs to recognise he has as much responsibility to look after and keep the children safe as you have!
Very best of luck, OP - do let us know how you get on 🙂

My Mother was, and still is, very like you. She point blank refuses to acknowledge she has issues despite me Dad, and now me, begging and pleading with her to get help. She is absolutely in denial. My Dad now accepts that it's too late, her behaviour is too ingrained. He is very upset with himself for not pushing the issue years ago, but he thought it was easier to keep quiet and let her be how she was.

She has absolutely 100% ruined his life AND mine. Even as a young child I remember being so very cautious and worrying about her reactions - her behaviour has 100% rubbed off on me, and I question EVERYTHING, whether it will go right or whether there is anything that could go wrong. This creeps in at work, in friendships, in relationships. I've had anxiety for years as long as I can remember.

Nothing with my Mum is straightforward. She just can't keep her mouth shut, she has an opinion on EVERYTHING, will question EVERYONE on even the simplest irrelevant choices, she can't just let it be, she has to ask people if they're sure, or to watch out.

I really wish my poor Dad hadn't put us first by staying with her. He should have left years ago. He's been so so miserable. I'm very very angry at her for not getting help. It's been like a poison that creeps in and touches every aspect of family life. Please please don't ruin your family's lives - please get help.

Going against the grain here. I don't think you’re unreasonable.
Same dynamic in my relationship. Partner very lax in my opinion. But he doesn't tell me I'm controlling or ruining their lives. He might sigh and roll his eyes and have a bit of a go but its never slamming doors or telling me i’m ruining lives.
Everything on your list, i’ve said and his response for the most part is minor groaning and ignoring me if he thinks i’m being very unreasonable but if i’m really upset, he’ll find a compromise that I'm not 100% happy with but still feel more comfortable with.
I didn't have post partum anxiety or depression. So I probably am just being over the top some times. You have a legitimate reason for your feelings and I think he should give you a break and support more.

Sympathise OP, I have had OCD for over 20 years, and suffered from anxiety after my child was born (he had a lot of health issues). I was constantly telling my DP and anyone in contact with my son to be careful, I think the difference is that;

1. Everyone understood why I was anxious
2. I got appropriate help
3. I trusted my DP

If you can, get help, explain to GP that its impacting your relationships maybe you, like me will see you and your partner could be a good mix. My DP is so laid back and care free, I'm the absolute opposite, but my son was having ice skating lessons at 2 and now at 7 is fearless, has no worries (like his dad), falls asleep in about 1 minute (like his dad). I am glad he takes after his dad in these aspects and not after me.

In your case feels like over the years a bit if resentment has built as things haven't been dealt with. Get help, have a chat, tell him what's bothering you, let him tell you what's bothering him and move forward. But unless his children are at risk with him, let him parent them.

Maybe you need more help with OCD, it's hard but you do need to get to a point where you can accept you have OCD not your partner, compulsions are yours your partner does not share them.

Good luck OP

Op you sound quite a lot like me! I worry so much about everything with DC. Prior to having him DH and I had a long chat about it and I explained that whenever I said “make sure you have checked the car seat” or anything like that it wasn’t because I doubted him but it was for my own reassurance otherwise i would worry, like checking the door multiple times even though you know you locked it. Yes it’s irrational but because DH was understanding and helpful the anxiety lessened. Perhaps if you can explain it to him like that it might help? I do agree on some of your points, i probably wouldnt stop him carrying him on his shoulders although I wouldn’t like it that’s one I would now be able to keep quiet about but the running by the road and the running ahead to the park (assuming it would mean he was out of sight?) would be big problems for me, and the fact he thought that was ok would make me more doubtful of his judgement in other scenarios

I think there's a lot of gaslighting of OP on this post. Everyone's picked up on the postpartum anxiety and deemed she must be unreasonable.

To be clear - her DH thought it was appropriate to let a 2 year old child run along by a busy London road. That is extremely lax, extremely poor parenting and dc could have been seriously hurt. That's not even employing basic common sense - of course you hold a child's hand in that situation.

No wonder OP doesn't trust him.

You repeatedly acknowledge your MH issues but (forgive if missed) seem to not be doing anything to deal with them. Continue on that path and you may lose that which you most want to protect. If you start therapy that delivers changes, then your DH may be willing to join in to discuss what you see as his issues. Worth a try ! Better than sitting squirming in your 'dirty nappy' (OCD) till someone decides it needs changing, and they are going to have to do it cos you won't.

You quote OP's posts and exaggerate them to back up a judgement that you are making without other context, condemning her OH . She's accepted she's OCD. She needs encouraging to deal with that.

Every other example is OP going OTT though. That's pretty much the only example where 99% people have agreed DH was unreasonable in that case.

Simply walking up the stairs with a baby isn't unreasonable, neither is making the choice to carry a toddler on your shoulder for a 15 minute walk.

The running off near a busy road and possibility of abduction are understandably concerning. However everything else is pretty normal in the world of parenting. Maybe ease up on him a little and learn to trust him for the sake of your relationship for both of you.

But don't confuse your reasons with his reality.

You have your reasons and your reasons are valid to you. You're not trying to be horrible or controlling. But the reality is, you are coming across as horrible in controlling whether or not its intended.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

I mean, that's just insulting, you think he needs to be told to be careful carrying a baby upstairs. You think he's going to drop the baby?

You might want to get a handle on this soon and seek help. What you don't want is for your children to develop these ocd traits growing up and thinking it's normal.

All the opposite will happen. My mother attached a health warning to everything I did. She was so overprotective. It was just really irritating. There was no joy in anything anymore. As I couldn't tell her I was going on holiday as a grown adult.She d screw a face up like oh no, i can't stand it when you do that.

Seriously seek therapy. He's being a hands on dad and carrying his child back from nursery, and you ve told him his own child is too heavy into take a buggy I mean, for goodness sake.

There’s a fine line if your an anxious parent would it be easier if he took the buggy for example? But yes he can parent too, you’re not his parent. The issue is your parenting styles are different and you’re both going to have to meet in the middle. You need reassurance from him but he needs to meet you somewhere. He may be completely laid back and it worries you for example.

i personally think it’s natural to worry about your kids, accidents do happen , you are more conscious of risks than he is . Better to be safe than sorry .

I don't have OCD and I'm not anxious at all and all your examples sound reasonable to me. It sounds like he should be more careful. Trust your judgement.

Reins for a 2 year old in a busy London street. What was your DH thinking of to object to holding a two year old's hand. He has heard what happened to Jamie Bulgie, I take it? He's nuts.
But if he wants to carry a four year old on his back for 15 minutes let him get on with it. You can say 'I told you so' when he has back pain at 50.
No, you are not over protective. A minute looking the other way with DC of 4 and 1 can mean catastrophe.

Do you think he's a bit lacking in safety awareness and that's why you're on tenterhooks?

The examples you gave in your post seem sound to me and your reasoning too. As a mum, having a child brings all sorts of new responsibilities and challenges and unless your other half is 100% confident, you'll be hypersensitive until you learn to trust your own judgement and give him room to breathe.

Is your relationship solid or are there problems under the surface?

That’s not what gaslighting means. Besides, everyone agrees that letting a two year old run unrestrained beside a busy road is unacceptable.

Your children are going to be highly anxious if you are around them.