DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

I don’t think you’ll get the right support on here OP. OCD is a really complex disorder and is not well understood by most people. The reassurance you’re seeking is potentially a compulsion and so this whole thread is likely to be causing you more anxiety than comfort. Please look up some proper support and look into ERP therapy and take care of yourself. X

But... That is controlling behaviour. The motivation is irrelevant.

You need to back off and let him do stuff his way, but the flip side of that is that he actually needs to pull his weight.

You sound like me and my ex husband. I was the worrier (imagining worse case scenarios) and he was really laid back. Your husband has done a couple of irresponsible things and that's exacerbated your anxiety. You're not going to ruin your kids lives but they'll pick up on your anxieties and might become fearful themselves. Do you think some couple counselling might help with your relationship and parenting?

Why does OP not trust her DH, maybe because or his poor judgement....
running without holding hands on busy road
out of site to playground
Insisting on shoulders whilst moaning of

weight and toddler keeps leaning back
The other stuff maybe OTT but if OP puts in 95% of child safe parenting then I don't think it's unusual to be on edge when her DH isn't being the slightest bit understanding.
To OP
You're not ruining lives you're being a good parent.

Yes maybe work on any OCD you notice and try to hold your breath on the little things but otherwise you are fine. If you can't find a way to compromise there maybe trouble ahead but I can't think of a decent alternative when your DH is against compromise....it will either be more of the same or you let him have his way either way if there's an accident you'll end up either blaming him or blaming yourself for letting him.

I've been in the position of having to slam on my brakes as a mother let her nursery age child run ahead- it was a little road and he ran into it to avoid a hole in the pavement.
There maybe a line between OTT & safe but I think your decisions are at least 75% on the safe side.👍

While it may take awhile to get to this point .. think how stepping back makes your little ones more independent and confident in themselves.
Little ones are very resilient if we allow them to be.
When you feel yourself about to remind hubby to be careful etc .. stop bite your tongue count to ten anything that stops you telling him how to parent then you'll get confidence in yourself when you see everything is ok when he does things in his way.

I don’t think it’s the children’s lives your controlling or ruining.

I totally get it when we had our baby brand new I was terrified and told my partner to make sure he was breathing as often as I would whenever I had to leave him with him, but eventually he told me all these things I kept saying were really patronising and makes him think i think he’s an idiot, so I stopped. Because he’s not an idiot, and we both have to find our own ways to do things. He 100% does things with the baby I’d never do but he doesn’t do him any harm and our son loves his daddy. You need to accept somehow that you can’t control everything everyone does and sometimes little mistakes might happen like a fall off a scooter, I know I fell a million times and it never did me any harm long term.

Unless anyone has been diagnosed with what you have they will not understand. So I wouldn’t listen to anything anyone else has to say. I would get couples Therepy to work out these issues.

Not sure if you are reading any of the replies on here any more but I just wanted to say I think a lot of these responses are harsh. I think most parents have been in a situation where they have said “careful” in situations where they probably didn’t need to - especially when you first bring a newborn home. I read out your list to my DH, who is a particularly sensitive soul, and he said he wouldn’t have been that bothered by any accept the walking across the road on the shoulders. I think him telling you that you are ruining your children’s life is extremely unhelpful - and if he is concerned and I’m assuming knows you have diagnosed mental health issues - could sit you down and say this is how your actions make me feel and can we work together to improve this situation. He constantly disregards your worries, which probably makes you not feel dismissed and therefore exacerbates your worries. I definitely think you should seek some help for your own sanity, but I think you and your husband both need a reset to start working as a team again and not against each other - and he needs to work on that too - it’s not all on you OP

I personally think that you're fine. I am the most laid back person brought 4 kids up alone and think you have a point in each example. I think your partner has started looking for problems. It is perfectly reasonable to say watch X on scooter, careful on the stairs, why does partner insist on carrying your child he would drive me mad.

Ah my heart goes out to the both of you.

YABU but it’s because you’re dealing with your mental health. However, every time you say these things to him (and I’m guessing your saying it every day and probably multiple times a day) your telling him you don’t trust him with the children and you don’t trust him to keep everyone safe and that he’s a bad dad. Can you imagine being told he doesn’t trust you with them every single day? What he said was awful and you’ve seeked help from us because of it.

But in your examples - you’re talking about when your 4yr old was 2. So these examples are old and I’m guessing that’s because you felt they were the most justified, now DC is older it’s harder to justify the concerns?

i can see you’ve had some support and I would push for more - my ex husband has
OCD which was anxiety led. It nearly killed me. Every day being told I wasn’t doing enough in the house, the cleaning wasn’t right, the cooking wasn’t right, to be careful taking the kids to activities, told I wasn’t watching the kids enough - it wears you down, destroys your confidence and leaves you doubting your ability. You said he doesn’t help then you feel he muscles in but the examples given he isn’t doing that. He just wants to play with his kids.

sometimes poor mental health leads to poor actions. And I’m sure you don’t mean to but you can’t control him. For the sake of your family and yourself, get further help so you can trust him. Before he gives up on his parenting skills completely

He sounds like he is too male enough to use a buggy.

All your examples are reasonable concerns.

I know as a parent if my partner was keep telling me to 'be careful' or not to do this and that, it would make me feel like they don't trust me with my own kids. I'd feel worthless. I understand why he said those things but I don't think it's your fault. Can you talk to your gp? Xx

A 2 year old running ahead on a busy street , nope 👎🏻 they need to hold your hand .
A 2 year old out of sight running to a playground, again no, they need to be nearby .
The other things you have listed no I wouldn’t interfere I’d let your husband go ahead and do what they think is ok .
If your child is heavy to carry all the way home from nursery, then husband will regret not taking the pushchair but that is his choice

You sound anxious rather than controlling. You appear to be shouldering a lot of the burden of running the household as well - this may also stem from anxiety and OCD. Have you spoken to a doctor or councillor about this? I would advise you to see someone about this behaviour and also, if he will agree, ask your husband to take over for a day it two and you take yourself out of the situation - stay with a friend or family. They will survive without you, I'm sure. You can get a bit of perspective with distance and he might have a greater understanding of what you have to deal with.

It's a bit of a mixed bag tbh. The first road one and possibly the park one sound reasonable. The others I under2why he's getting annoyed. You are treating him like a toddler like he can't possibly know how to hold his own child for example. I think this looks like classic anxiety, totally appreciate when in that space it seems perfectly reasonable and rational so hard for you to see anything else. Maybe pop back to your GP x

I think he should help more day to day so you are not as tired and stressed and can relax more with things

This

OP said attempted.

If DS was still 2 I'd be wary of letting him run on ahead to the local playground at the moment as there's been multiple reports of a man (or men, but all the incidents have matching descriptions/ behaviours) hanging around there and another playground in the area, acting suspiciously and possibly on drugs/drunk.

I get that you may not mean it but he is an equal parent to you yet by constantly highlighting things or asking things, you are giving the impression that you don't trust him to keep DC safe and he is right, if this pattern continues throughout their lives it will frustrate the kids as well as DH. What seems like reassurance to YOU actually comes across as controlling to everyone else. If dh gets sore arms from carrying DC that's his issue so let him decide if he wants to take the buggy or not. Have you sought support for your anxiety? If not it could be beneficial, a friend of mine was similar and it split her and dh up, and they ended up in court because she wanted to overly control how he parented the kids at his house and the judge said no. Therapy has really helped her come to terms with the loss of control.

What carrying a child on his shoulder? How's that dangerous, I expect he was holding feet/legs so even if little one leans back. Carry rather than buggy, aren't we supposed to hold children, our ancestors never had buggies...what if he has a lot of roads to cross, it's safer to carry.

do you constantly tell your oh to be careful, do you undermine everything he wants to do with his child?

my mother was very protective when I was little, it made me nervous and shy, thank goodness I grew out of it but I often catasophize what may happen and have to give myself a talking to

No, not this. Let's stop instantly jumping to man blaming. It's patently clear that OPs own issues are pivotal here and a large part of her micromanaging and undermining him in every little thing.

I carry my 2 year old on my shoulders all of the time. He loves it.

It isn't just a man thing. It's just having some fun with DC.

Agree the first point - have seen many parents allow this though having said that.

You are not “ruining DC lives”, however that seems like it was said in the heat of the moment out of frustration.

You are being undermining and controlling with your DH, both of you are parents, he’s not another DC.

Find a way to stop yourself saying these things out loud to DH to self-soothe. It will have a longer term negative impact on your relationship and family life more generally if you don’t address it.

Suggest to look for other strategies to cope when these feelings come up. Some counselling to specifically support you with this could be helpful?

Eh? It’s 2 points on “he shouldn’t have” and 3 on “you shouldn’t have” - issues on both sides. Not man blaming at all, very balanced.

To add, he needs to take on other aspects of parenting and the household, including organising things, but then again you would also need to step back from these things and stop micromanaging and criticising him.