DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

This in spades. My DM was an overprotective nervous wreck and it badly affected her MH and mine.

Nope! You’re ruining your DH’s life! 😅

Someone has their lives ruined when they have their legs amputated or their parent is murdered, not by their mum being cautious.

I've had an overcautious mother. It does ruin your life. Are you saying no one's life can be ruined unless they ve had a leg amputated.

When your mother spoils everything you do and she's not happy for new things you try or new experiences you have and you start hiding things from her because you know how she's going to react and she's not going to be happy... And she's going to go absolutely crazy with an irrational anxiety yet again so you keep it quiet to keep the peace and then you realise can't tell your mother things which feels rubbish in itself.

That is pretty life ruining for a young person or child.

My mum says stuff like this to my kids and increasingly so with age. She tells the kids not the climb on things because they might fall. She said I shouldn't put doors on my bookshelves because my late primary aged kids might run into them. She interferes in DIY tasks I'm doing to tell me it's not safe and she should do it instead. There are many many more, just the most recent. It annoys us all, I have to shut what she says down and it makes us not want to go to a lot of places with her because we're sick and tired of the litany of everyday activities that are dangerous in her mind. I had PNA after my youngest was born I used to worry about all sorts of extremely unlikely things, you need to get help, see your GP. Medication really helped me get on top of my mental health and I regret not seeking help sooner.

Ok. So I’m going against everyone else here to say your husband is going to have to meet you halfway in order to help you with your OCD. He seems a little too laid back with the kids, and while you are on the opposite end of the spectrum, there has to be some compromise in order for you to trust him and be able to let your guard down and heal as best you can from OCD and anxiety.

I too have been through this (and still suffer) but I struggle particularly with my husband as he is not blessed with the greatest common sense and therefore I feel I have to be on high alert all the time. It’s then very easy for them to blame your anxiety and make you feel like crap about it …. But sometimes the point you are making will be perfectly valid and it’s unfair for him to play the OCD card all the time.

your relationship dynamic is unique to your situation and if your husband is being overly recalcitrant to your reasonable requests to be a little more watchful then that is very unhelpful for you to be able to tackle your issues.

inthink you may both need to see a therapist as a couple to kick start this alongside your treatment and if he is being overly oppositional with the more reasonable requests then he needs to learn that the less he worries about shit - the more you are forced to worry. This is about meeting half way.

i wish you all the best x x

You did say you are protective , and he should know thats the way your programmed to be ,its who you are , I carnt talk from a perspective of knowing what it's like to have the support but if I did , I would proberly be the same as you , can never be to sure with children there accident prone to things in a blink of eye anything can happen so how I see it having the extra bit of care than what most parents have I'd don't see it as a bad thing at all I see it as a good thing , your children will grow up to worry about what matters more in there life rather negative things this life also has to offer.
I think your babies will grow up to be really confident people.

I think they will grow up to understand well that your protective and loving and they will appreciate that more than all the gifts you can ever give them.

Same time if it's excessive then the children can develop anxiety disorders.
That the only negative thing I could say but no one perfect we can only do are very best.

Unfortunately, constantly telling someone what to do /to be careful, IS horrible and controlling, you have a problem and you need to seek help. You need to focus on what YOU are doing , not what DH is doing.

I don’t really see you as controlling only mindful …
leaving child run ahead aged 2 on a busy pavement not holding their hand is nuts ! !
Running up ahead on a hill out of reach , also nuts when they’re so little ..
Asking him to be careful on stairs while carrying new born for first time , what’s wrong with that ?
And crossing busy roads, it’s always safer to have them strapped into buggy ..
You’re not over protective , you are protective ..
He shouldn’t take so much notice…

I think peoples comments are rather harsh especially not knowing a full story or even possibly never having experienced such issues. From my own experience I have three children and severe anxiety making me very fearful especially when my kids were little.

I will add I think what needs addressing is the trust issue you have with your husband. You clearly don't trust or value his judgments and this may or may not be warrented but only you will know why this is. If you don't trust your husband not to drop the baby or be careless to protect them in an accident then you need to get to the root cause of why. If he's comfortable letting his two year old child run out of site even for a second I don't think he's the kind of person I could tolerate parenting with. Kids at that age need constant continual supervision, especially outdoors. I don't get why any parent would want to be so lacksidaisical, but this could be him trying to provoke a fear in you and if that's the case look at your overall relationship. Is it healthy in all areas other than this? Because if not it's maybe time to seek help to understand each others why and work together instead of against each other.

I hope for the kids sake yous are able to reach an outcome best for everyone. These issues aren't impossible to fix they just need both of you to want to work together to fix them.

I was raised in an all male house hold i was the only girl and it was the best.
My dad and brothers.
My sister was raised with my mum.
The difference is a lot and im so grateful and pleased i was raised with dad and not my mother.

So what's happening 'now' that has brought you here? I only ask because you've said all the other things have happened over 4 years so are basically in the past. Besides lack of sleep and having to do everything yourself I'd say that's a lot when you've got 2 children, you need some rest otherwise you're going to struggle more. Does DH do his share when he's at home or are you still operating a one woman show? x

Just popped in on this one, but wanted to say that the majority of ppl are being a bit over harsh on you on this one.

I tend to agree thought that you're being a bit much in many circs, but you're the primary carer, you know what you're talking about...

Fellas can be a bit gung ho, especially when they don't know much...but they're not reckless.

Train yourself to not sweat the small stuff...be kind to yourself, don't put pressure on yourself...

I bet you do an incredible job - you mention doing most of the life admin - your other half should massively respect and acknowledge this - but try not to pass on negative traits to the kids.

That's incumbent on all of us.

I bet they're absolutely gorgeous...you love them to bits, but don't be overbearing - on of mine accused me of that when they were a teenager...and they might have had a point.

But they also should have their own minds...just ignore my advice if you think so - they're young and naive, but age-appropriate choices and advice is the way to go with the kids xxx

I'm just completely to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong.

This is a huge problem, @QueenMammoth

Basically, your ocd and anxiety are out of control and you are using your H's parenting as a means of assuaging them. You get some sort of release from the anxiety and ocd when you try to control your H.

You are arguing and trying to justify your behaviour with people on this thread who are telling you that your behaviour is problematic, and even though your husband is clearly losing patience with you, you still think (1) that you are right and he's an idiot who needs micromanaging, (2) that you have the right to treat him like this, and (3) that you will experience no serious consequences for carrying on exactly as you are now.

You have to address your fear of something going wrong and your need to control in hopes of preventing things going wrong. It is not your husband's role to provide momentary relief from your anxiety by micromanaging him.

Please consider going back to therapy. If you do not find healthy ways to manage your anxiety and your ocd, you will push your husband away, and he is correct that you will damage the children. Is that what you want to do?

(And how much of the issue of you doing so much with the children, the home, and the admin, etc is due to you feeling anxious that something will go wrong if you let another adult do it?)

My daughter and I both have OCD. Daughter has had therapy and I have learned to mostly control mine. However, big stresses or life changes and challenges can trigger it again so I recognise myself in a lot of what you’ve said OP.

I could sit here and argue that your directions to your husband are sensible, rational and wise. In the context of child safety they probably are in a funny kind of way. However, in the context of anxiety and OCD I believe they are symptomatic.

I have a partner who is mostly sensible but careless and forgetful. His way of living life is the antithesis to me which just seems to further validate my overbearing cautiousness. Often things get lost, damaged, forgotten when partner is in charge but I have to work hard to tell myself that it isn’t because he has a disregard for safety. No, it’s because things get lost, damaged and forgotten in life. It’s just the way it is. My brain tells me that with me at the helm, less things get lost, damaged and broken. Also my brain tells me that accidents are less likely to happen if it’s me - with my care and attention and caution - in charge of operations.

Compounding my OCD is the fact that we have been through hellish times. I won’t bore you with the details but as a family of neurodiverse beings, we’ve experienced self harm and suicidal ideation with one of my autistic children, anorexia in two of my children and a host of other issues with my eldest autistic son. All of these give weight to the notion that I need to be vigilant. However, considering the chicken and the egg, is it a genetic or environmental fact that these things happened due to hyper vigilance on the part of my parents and now me? Did this culture of harm avoidance create the very outcomes we tried so hard to avoid? I’ll never know, but 2 things I can glean are that no amount of extreme vigilance will protect you even though ‘OCD brain’ will tell you it can. And secondly, that your husband is almost certainly right: without the ability to make mistakes your children will very likely fail to learn normal self preservation and indeed become more vulnerable to disaster.

i hugely empathise with you. I’m aware of the impact of OCD - even though I no longer suffer from OCD repetitive behaviours (hand washing, germ avoidance) and I hope that by sharing my experience you gain both comfort from knowing that you are not alone but also recognise that it is problematic and that it is taking away some of the carefree enjoyment of your children that you deserve to experience.

One thing I will say is that your partner needs to get help to help you. Pointing out OCD safety precaution is not going to put an end to you doing what you do. In fact, it’s more likely to heighten things because you will feel out of control when invalidated and the need to control will ramp up. He needs to say things like “let’s consider this situation a moment, can we let DC have a little run do you think? What’s our plan for if he runs too far? Shall we let him run as far as here and then we will go get him? Shall I stand at the top of the hill and then he can run to me?” By allowing you to let go in stages your brain will see evidence of the fact that things are ok despite loosening your grip. OCD is complex, it needs professional guidance to not get in a loop of checking (the suggestions above, without guidance, could cause you to start needing certain parameters before being able to let go, when actually the objective is to become more comfortable with less control and starting to not give things a second thought).

Menopause for me has created a nightmare of anxiety. We have horses and youngest DD is very cavalier being a teen. I want to tell her to wear full safety gear for the slightest job. I worry about pitch forks in toes, hooves in bones. In fact she has broken her arm riding! It was because of this that I decided to be honest with myself about what my brain was doing and it forced me to work with my daughter and my partner regarding how I was feeling and why. We have now reached a point where they have empathy for me but can tell me when I really need to go and have a think about the tailspin I’m in and I can do that without feeling even more out of control because I’m not there watching and supervising. Do try and have those conversations OP but don’t let your husband diminish the reality of your experience: you both need to work on this for the benefit of your DC but also in support of you and your mental health.
take care x (natch!)

Did you only read the first past of the post? Most people have acknowledged the busy road one. Of course you hold their hand on a busy road or car park. You should absolutely trust your instinct here!

Not letting them run ahead a little bit in the park because they might be abducted or not liking your partner carrying them on his shoulders is quite something else, no?

Clearly you know nothing! Poor MH completely ruins peoples’ lives! What you banging on about legs being amputated for?!

Not it's not and your comment doesn't help people with big anxiety

Stop telling him to be careful to his children. It does sound controlling except if there has been times he wasn’t careful?

it is a fine line to “work as a team” so he is careful to your feelings (which he does have to) and you don’t just decide about anything and everything (so you never listen to him) 🫣

my suggestion1: let him go alone with eldest somewhere like the park. Build up your trust in each other.

sug 2: If you know you struggle with something ahead of it happening, before you go, talk with your hubby first. Exemple : I know you like “…”, it really stresses me up, can you do “…” instead?

ask him instead telling him 👌 that will go a long way!

Also op.
take care of yourself and if you don’t use nursery, do. Anxiety does go through and affect children so 1 day a week for taking care of yourself and breathe is…in a long run…better for them.

It is. It's never happened in England.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, or over-protective. Little children are simply not developed enough to make decisions for themselves and your husband, who is not their main carer if out at work all day, should take notice of your natural protectiveness of your children. I totally agree with everything you've said. It's your husband who's too easy going. I was protective of my son when a baby, and allowed him to become independent at his own speed. He is a well-rounded person with his own family.

She does not need help and is not being controlling. She is not being overly protective of her small children who are not developed enough to look after themselves. Her DH is too laid back and should work with her to stop her worrying.

That depends on whether she wants to stay married.

My husband used to be like this. He had such anxiety, particularly around food/choking. He used to constantly remind me and honestly it drove me crazy. He only stopped when I pointed out that I was primary carer, that if I didn’t expose them to the foods he feared then there was a very real possibility someone else would and he wouldn’t know how to manage them(crackers,cheerios, using a fork) so we compromised. I never bought grapes until dc was 5amd to this day I still cut them, no round lollipops etc…and he stopped all the comments. Honestly OP, he loves his kids as much as you do, you really need to stop policing him.