DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

My advice to the OP was that she relies on her own judgement, that she thinks about any comments made by her DH but decides what she thinks is best, and carries on in that vein. I don't think parents making suggestions to each other like "maybe take the buggy" should lead to a responsible parent disengaging. Best practice advice would be to take the buggy, not carry a one year old in your arms through streets for a mile.

Incidentally, recklessness may not be immediately apparent in the early days of parenting either! Most irresponsible parents will have started off having been given some responsibility in the early days (not that I am suggesting that the DH here is completely irresponsible, I have no idea).

@QueenMammoth it might be worth re-posting separating the two issues here - one issue being what your DH has said and what you have said to him, and the other issue being whether or not what you are doing is OTT (I don't think it is). So if you post just about what you are doing and ask "is this OTT" and leave the DH element out completely, you might get slightly more helpful responses in relation to your approach to parenting. And then on a separate thread with a different user name (!) raise relationship problems with DH over parenting. If that makes sense.

I had poor post partum mh for about 6 months every time I walked down the stairs I watched her fall from my arms and lie at the bottom in a crumpled heap. I avoided the stairs as much as I could. It can really turn the most mundane into the height of danger.

I wonder how many times in a day you make a little comment around safety and I wonder whether it would be worth for a day or two making a note of how many times you say and think something.

I think it's predominantly a communication problem and you need to come together and discuss sensible precaution for each of the day to day tasks. Finding that balance between caution to not overly exacerbate your OCD but also to not make your partner feel restricted. I think when you are the sole person taking on responsibilities and having the be the "on-it" parent it can be hard to see your other half as capable in other areas too so I think a fairer division of the life tasks would help you have the mental capacity to face your mental health and allow you to see your partner as more of a functioning adult who can take responsibility for things.

Have you consider compassion focussed therapy? It's the recommended treatment for post partum mental illness as factors in the change in life that becoming a parent can bring as well as the resulting poor mental health. I had it through the perinatal mental health team and in the mother and baby unit I was in.

I think some of the scenarios you describe, such as the running on a pavement on a busy London road at age 2 - fair enough to be cautious.

But telling the other parent ‘be careful’ when they’re carrying the baby upstairs is just wrong. I’d be quite offended if I’d been told that by my other half. You honestly need to seek help to deal with your issues. You may not be ‘ruining your dc’s life’ but you’re certainly bringing them up in an atmosphere of mistrust. It’s not right for them to hear you constantly criticising their dad

I was with you (sort of) until ‘multiple reports of attempted abductions’. Where is this, exactly?

Exactly. We would both say it to one another and neither of us bothered about it.

Do you trust him with the children?

if no, then you need to work on this. Children will get hurt no matter how you try to protect them and you are NOT the expert your children. Sounds like you have a good man and good father, don’t push him away by trying to “teach him” how to look after his own children.

You're micromanaging him as a way to control your own anxiety / ocd, and unsurprisingly you have pissed him off.

How about returning to therapy for your anxiety and OCD? It's not fair to him to use him as your outlet.

And what is his excuse for micromanaging her:

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare

I hear you OP. My exH was clumsy and didn’t appear capable of risk assessing or preempting danger. He once dropped our DD when she was on his shoulders (why do men feel the need to do this??) and her lip was cut. I had zero compunction in directing him as a parent thereafter. I was also responsible for everything in our lives … while his job appeared to be chief critic responsible for continually pointing out how very badly I was doing EVERYTHING. I don’t miss him at all 😂

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. None of those requests sounds unreasonable to me but I have noticed that both me and my husband are way more safety conscious than other parents (my husband is more than me though). I hate my son being carried on shoulders and I always make him hold my hand when we’re walking by roads (he’s 4). Just sounds like you’re being careful to me rather than controlling

I know it’s really hard as you probably do know best a lot of the time as I assume spend the most time caring for them - I was the same when I had my first. By the time I had my 3rd I realised I had to let go off the reigns and I wish I had been a bit more chilled. My husband is a lot of more relaxed that me about most things. I now pick my battles. And if someone goes wrong, he forgets something, someone gets hurts etc he has to deal with it.

My partner is like you and it drives me insane. I’m perfectly capable of assessing the risks with my own child. And I personally think overprotective parents stunt their child’s development.

99% of local paper attempted abductions are bullshit.

My DH was like you. It came from a place of love and care but it didn't half do my head in for a while. He got over it.

I’d be annoyed if OH was constantly telling me to be careful with my child as if I could not parent myself. I agree it’s controlling. I can get on board with the 2 year old holding a hand by a busy road but the rest no sorry

I think this is bang on.

My mum was like this with my dad when we were little. He used to read stories to us (and make them up) spend time playing when he got in from work, drinking pretend drinks and eating pretend food we made for him. My mother stomped all over his interactions with us, berated him for the most ridiculous things, and generally ruined our relationship with our father.

In our teens he didn’t have much to do with us, and then we were grown and gone. I feel resentful that my relationship with him was desecrated by my mother’s controlling and nagging behaviour. She totally wore him down.

As an adult i can see that it stemmed from anxiety she never had treated, and she was constantly scrubbing the house as nothing was ever clean enough. She’d moan on and on at my dad about fixing things. He worked a long day on a manual job and had to listen to her telling him about everything he did wrong, when he got home.

OP, my dad died 3 years ago this Easter, and I am very resentful towards my mother still. She was neurotic and unhinged and not only ruined our relationship with our father (and her), but we also struggled with our own relationships with men.

Get some help now, before you screw up everyone else’s mental health and lives.

I would ease up a bit- you will have to when your oldest child goes to school anyway.
You are just pushing your husband away. That will develop into you pushing your children away- you need to work on yourself, or ultimately you will lose them all.

You need to get your DH to pick up some of the mental load and you need to make space for you or get some therapy . Your attitude may be your OCD or could be just shititis husbandis. There is a lot of it about.

You have a full time job looking after DC, that doesn’t mean ALL life chores (bills, repairs etc), fall to you. His behaviour could be exacerbating your feelings, do he needs called out on that and a therapist may help you work on boundaries with your DH. It doesn’t automatically follow that this us solely your problem it’s caused by him not stepping up.

not taking a buggy just sounds like him being a tosser and wanting to look manly. Won’t be very manly being laid up with backache and unable to earn to provide for his family. Some of your concerns are reasonable and also need to be seen in context. How was he carrying the baby up the stairs? How he holds the baby is the issue. Equally he knows your concern and your MEDICAL problems yet it comes across like he is deliberately goading you, by continuing to be antagonistic.

How is otherwise? Is he a keeper?

I do not think you’re controlling at all! I think your DH is being a bit lax to be honest! I’m a cautious person/mother too but my DH is too so we don’t have disagreements about it.

my advice would be to sit down with DH when the kids are in bed and have a casual convo about it. Admit you know you’re being a bit over the top (aren’t we all when we become mothers) but some things would make you feel anxious that he followed (holding hand, taking buggy.) I think he’s annoyed because maybe in the situation, you snap it or say it quickly? By having the conversion and admitting you’re protective, he might meet you in the middle. Otherwise I worry he’ll be even more lax just to go against you if that makes sense. Good luck OP!

I’m sorry your life is so stressful ATM and can fully identify with how you are feeling OP because I felt the same when my DC were as young as yours.
My DH was in the Forces and ended up buggering off to sea for months on end and lying to me about the length of his sea time. The only constructive advice I can offer is that you try to keep a weather eye on him when he is parenting and that you take a deep breath before actually saying anything out loud. It’s going to take a lot of conscious control on your part but give it a try and see how it goes. Good luck with it all I will be thinking of you.

What does be careful mean though?
Your husband is a grown adult, he knows he needs to be careful with a newborn. He doesn’t need someone to tell him this - you’re treating him like a child. If you have a specific thing like ‘watch that bit of wall as you go up’ becuse you can see he’s too close then maybe that’s fair, but just saying ‘be careful’ to a grown adult is very unfair on your husband.

Its really hard OP. Anxiety is one of those things that is contagious. Mother in law suffered all her life with it. Pretty debilitating at times. When I met my wife, she inherited her anxiety. I am no better, I have ADHD so go from devil may care to catastrophising every possible hazzard. The only good thing is, we both arn't anxious at the same time. Even if inside we both feel the same worries, one of us will take the opposite view the other see it rationally but it took us time to pull together and learn how to not let our irrational fears come across as criticism to the other. Everyone goes through this - I mean how many times in the newborn phase did the voice in your head say "Is baby breathing? I better go and check!" Like every 10 mins hehe

You should also not want to tell your husband how to parent! You need more therapy. You should have been given coping material and homework from CBT, I suggest you revisit these and think about what you learned.
If I was your husband I would be very annoyed you didn’t trust me and would probably be less kind.

It sounds to me like it's your DC you should be warning and not your DH for some of it.

eg "DC, you need to walk nearer to me or daddy. If you keep running too far ahead you'll have to hold our hand."

"DC, sit up nice and straight when you sit on Daddy's shoulders otherwise you might tip over/to the side and it makes it more difficult for Daddy."

A 2 year old absolutely SHOULD be held by the hand walking in a busy place, that's just common sense. Plus it's annoying for others walking fast along the pavement if there's a bimbling toddler to suddenly have to dodge.

Telling your DH to be careful as he's carrying your newborn upstairs could be annoying to some because obviously they know they're carrying precious cargo and ARE being careful. But then again, sometimes "be careful" is just a throwaway comment you say naturally say out loud sometimes. It depends how you say it, if you say it in a hyper anxious way then that would piss him off cos it just sounds to him like you don't think he IS being careful and you don't trust him to do it properly.