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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

1000 replies

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:05

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 02/04/2025 11:06

Are your brother and SIL close to your children?

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 11:06

Just tell him you won't be there as child care is an issue. Honestly given your post he won't care imo.
Is his relationship a healthy one iyo?

heldinadream · 02/04/2025 11:06

Is it going to cause you problems re childcare?

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/04/2025 11:07

A shame for you and them, but as ever his wedding, his choice. Go or don’t go it’s up to you. Presumably he isn’t bothered if you do go, given you will need baby sitters.

Agix · 02/04/2025 11:07

YABU. People can have child free weddings if they want. You already have confirmation that it is child free.

Their wedding day is about them, not you. Don't tell him to invite them because you're upset, that would be kinda shitty of you. Again, it's not about you or your kids. You'll just be causing unnecessary hassle and embarrassing yourself.

If you can't go due to no childcare available, then don't go... But don't expect it to make a difference or be an effective guilt trip. The bride and groom probably won't care.

My partner and I are having a child free wedding and if any parents tell us they can't come due to it, we're not gonna care. Can't be helped. Still not having children there.

WimpoleHat · 02/04/2025 11:07

Honestly - I’d write a formal but breezy “so sorry we won’t be able to join you due to childcare issues - as you’ll understand, we will be limited in our options on that day! Wishing you and SIL name a wonderful day.”

And then leave the ball firmly in their court…..

RandomMess · 02/04/2025 11:08

I would get in touch and say that you will struggle to come if the DC aren’t invited. That you are hurt that it isn’t actually a child free wedding but his nieces aren’t invited.

Do not message him, needs to be a conversation preferably in person.

Regretsmorethanafew · 02/04/2025 11:08

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 11:06

Just tell him you won't be there as child care is an issue. Honestly given your post he won't care imo.
Is his relationship a healthy one iyo?

OP hasn't said she can't go or that she has no childcare.

andthat · 02/04/2025 11:09

Absolutely speak to your bother… but remember that this isn’t a SIL issue, it’s his. If he wanted them there he would have them there.

DaisyChain505 · 02/04/2025 11:10

I had a childfree wedding myself apart from nieces and nephews. I would never dream of telling my siblings or my partners siblings that their children weren’t invited to our big day.

SJM1988 · 02/04/2025 11:11

It's their wedding so their choice. Either go or don't but don't force him to invite your children by telling him you are upset.

You say he has other flower girls so that assumes other children are invited to the wedding......I'm guessing there is another reason he hasn't invited your children.

MattCauthon · 02/04/2025 11:11

While I am 100% in the camp of "bride and groom get to decide", I do think it's a bit mean to have flower girls from SIL's side and simply ignore your side. It certainly doesn't set things up for long term harmonious and happy in law relationships, does it? Of course, if there's some backstory and none of you like SIL andyou and your brother are not close at all, then perhaps it's different.

I would be inclined to say something, yes. Of course, by doing that, you could well be blowing things up. However, I'd argue that by them excluding your children while including other children they've already done that.

Potsofpetals · 02/04/2025 11:12

Have a lovely wedding DB. Unfortunately I don’t have childcare for your nieces. Save me a piece of cake.

Then book your family a nice day away and don’t give it a second thought.

She had a right to do whatever she wants as do you.

andthat · 02/04/2025 11:12

WimpoleHat · 02/04/2025 11:07

Honestly - I’d write a formal but breezy “so sorry we won’t be able to join you due to childcare issues - as you’ll understand, we will be limited in our options on that day! Wishing you and SIL name a wonderful day.”

And then leave the ball firmly in their court…..

I don’t see the point in this. They can just reply ‘sorry you can’t make it!’

If OP is going to raise this with her brother then she needs to be unambiguous and tell him that she’s hurt that his nieces are not invited.

That way there is no room for misunderstanding, deliberate or otherwise.

Vaxtable · 02/04/2025 11:12

How old are the flower girls they are having? If they are young then I don’t see why yours should not be invited as it’s not childfree

yes I would speak to him and tell him how upset you and the girls are but if he says no then I would say thanks in which case we can’t come as we can’t get childcare as they will be at your wedding

Never2many · 02/04/2025 11:12

I’ve never come across this objection to child free weddings in the real world. All the child free weddings I’ve been to (including my own) the parents were happy to have a day/evening away from the kids.

I mean if you have genuine childcare issues i.e. your DH isn’t there to look after the kids while you go, then obviously you don’t go. But to tell him how upset you are is making this about you and it isn’t.

Regretsmorethanafew · 02/04/2025 11:13

Why is everyone assuming/pretending op doesn't have childcare?

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:13

Yanbu, it's disgusting that it's one rule for her family, another for yours.

Child free is fine, if its actually childfree, which it isn't.

firkinn · 02/04/2025 11:14

It doesn’t sound like you’re close at all - would bringing it up further strain the relationship?

Original poster
GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:15

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

I know it’s their wedding and the world is a mess but I am genuinely upset.

OP posts:
Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 11:16

Brides wedding party has people from her side, grooms wedding party has people from his. Why would your SIL have your children rather than kids from her side as flower girls?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/04/2025 11:16

You could talk to him. I doubt he will change his mind, they obviously discussed this.

There is truth in men, disengaging from birth family once they settle down.

It is up to you, if you want to attend or not.

Personally I have never been to a child free wedding.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/04/2025 11:17

Forget the flower girl issue, they are nearly always from the brides side of the family.

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 11:17

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:13

Yanbu, it's disgusting that it's one rule for her family, another for yours.

Child free is fine, if its actually childfree, which it isn't.

But it is childfree. They only wanted the role of flower girl so they could say to everyone else they were only there as part of the wedding party, which is exactly what the other flower girls are doing. You can’t be upset when they are using the exactly logic the OP was planning on

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:20

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 11:17

But it is childfree. They only wanted the role of flower girl so they could say to everyone else they were only there as part of the wedding party, which is exactly what the other flower girls are doing. You can’t be upset when they are using the exactly logic the OP was planning on

Show quote history

It's not childfree, OP says

"However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side."

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