Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

Your story is not unique. My friend had the same experience and complained to the mum. The mum complained to the brother/son. It all blew up. Hurt feelings on all sides and the bother/son is now NC with both mum and sister. They are still NC even though the marriage ended.

It is not worth the drama. It is their wedding and their choices. It may be hurtful, but you need to accept that the day is about them. Suck up your hurt, and you either accept the invitation ‘as is’ or you politely decline without any fuss or bother, or you say your piece and deal with the consequences.

Their wedding, their rules. I can't believe you just assumed your children would be flower girls. And for you and your mum to be crying over it is just ridiculous.

Simple solution. You go to your brother's wedding and DH stays at home with your children. As it's family you will know loads of people so it's not like you need your DH as a familiar face.

i Can understand wedding being child free (for most of the guests) but not for nephews and nieces. Especially as I’m sure you could get them collected before the main evening party. It’s very mean

They aren’t randoms, they are known to the SIL, just not the OP.

The most logical explanation would be that the OP and SIL aren’t close which is why they are not known to OP; rather than that SIL has gone and found 2 random girls from a catalogue in order to slight the OPs children.

Sil gets to involve dc on her side..
Dh doesn't...
This is how things will be moving forward..
Is db usually a sap? If he wanted his small relatives there also then surely they would be in a healthy relationship..

OI heart! get a grip!!

no no don't thank me.

I think feeling hurt by people really close to you is a valid feeling regardless of the "There day, there way" business.

this as well

I really don't think it's entitled to expect the grooms own niece's to be invited at all

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).
Your mother expected your inlaws who have no connection to B&G to get an invitation.
I understand some of the distress caused over nieces, but not your sisters in-laws.

The bride chooses the bridesmaids an flower girls. They are usually from the bride's side.
It is otherwise a child-free wedding.
The only weddings I've been to that weren't child-free, the children were the bride and groom's.

Weddings are usually long and boring. Children aren't likely to enjoy them.

Very hurtful. Honestly I wouldn't go. It's sad all round but he's played his cards and clearly doesn't care, so no I wouldn't even have a conversation with him. I'd rsvp no and send a text saying I don't have any childcare.

Every childfree wedding I have been to children of the siblings were invited.

That there are kids on your SiL invited but not your kids is weird.

Your brother sounds like one of those men who once he finds a wife doesn’t much care about the rest of his family.

I be tempted not to go. He is likely to start fading away from the rest of his family soon.

I can totally understand why you would be upset. Have a rule and run consistently. I have a child free wedding apart from nieces and nephews. My sibling got married but only had 20 guests and it was during a school day so didn’t invite my (then teenage) children but no other children invited so we were fine with that. I would absolutely be upset if some little children from brides family were invited but not mine.

This is the problem though when you want a childfree wedding. Every Tom, Dick and Harry has a reason why their little cherub is except. Childfree is ok, but surely nieces and nephews are ok; mine has to come because it’s a newborn; finding childcare is difficult and I see that there are other kids going….blah, blah, blah.

I think when you have an image of immediate families, it can be hard to readjust your mind-set. And it sounds like your parents had a similar image of immediate family all being involved from the groom and bride's side.

Has that been how family weddings have been in your family (not saying things have to say the same).

Now it sounds like groom is clueless at what's going on or not wanting to share with you. Which ever it's the bride's show.

I wonder if you and possibly your mother are seeing indicating future family situations - feeling not involved if they have children and a lack of interest in you, your children, parents.

I think I'd go with my parents but leave the children with DH, unless DH wanted to attend and I could get childcare.

YABU, their wedding, their choice.
Don't ask for a role for your daughters.
Go, if you want to, don't go.if you don't.

I just read your other replies. I completely understand why you are upset. This is extremely hurtful behaviour from them! You are not being unreasonable in the slightest by being upset over this.

As usual: their wedding, their rules.

And of course, there is also an element of FAFO too. If you, or anyone else, doesn't want to go (either because they feel offended on your behalf, which is daft IMO, or because they just don't want to) then the bridal pair can't complain.

But, you are being a bit over the top with the crying and the flower girls. It would never have crossed my mind to ask someone from my DHs husband to be in "my" part of the wedding party.

i don’t agree they are usually from bride’s side. Usually it is little children are in both sides of the family or close friends. My DD was certainly a flower girl at my BIL’s wedding.

My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception

Well…. Your mother sounds a tad overbearing and cheeky.

It’s a shame your daughters aren’t invited. However your brother and SIL are allowed to have a child free wedding if that’s what they want.

You either suck it up and go without your daughters (permitting you have available childcare options).

Or you just don’t go at all. Be totally honest about the reason but don’t say it in a way which will cause drama and animosity. Although I think your mother may already have done that anyway.

Your DB and soon-to-be DSIL are completely selfish. Anyone would think this wedding was a celebration of their marriage not about the poor little nieces being deprived.

What miserable c*s.

If I were the bride-to-be I'be running to the hills.

They are entitled to the wedding they want and you are entitled not to go.

It is usually a question of numbers. I would have loved children but venue could only have 100 people and we were over that already with adults.

Your not going to get much sympathy here I’m afraid.

Personally I’d rsvp declining the invitation. If asked why say I don’t believe in child free weddings or I don’t belive in going to weddings my children are excluded from. I’m all for the B&G choosing the day they want but you don’t have to go along if you don’t want to.

The last wedding I went to was child free, totally understood there reasons, but felt pressure from originally both my parents then my DF died so it was the first family gathering without him and I knew he didn’t want to upset his brother, father of the bride, and wanted me to go, so I went along. I hated it. I get some people love the child free aspect, but I actually enjoy events with my children and my children would have been a dam site better behaved that a lot of the adults there.