Page 4 | Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

Comedycook · 02/04/2025 11:46

Their wedding...their choice.

It's also your choice whether you attend or not. I wouldn't bother.

Surprisedcupcake · 02/04/2025 11:46

The fact that you're all falling apart crying over it is utterly ridiculous. It's not your wedding, it's not about you or your kids. It's about the bride and groom. Either don't go or suck it up. But don't create drama over someone else's life event. It's utterly ridiculous.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 02/04/2025 11:47

This is why I am so grateful to be an only child
No family drama,

noquinoa · 02/04/2025 11:48

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:15

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

I know it’s their wedding and the world is a mess but I am genuinely upset.

So you’ve made it all about you. You have childcare, so just behave as adults and go. Especially your husband. Ridiculous.

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:48

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 11:23

“but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule.”

She says it is childfree and that they she accepts that kids in the wedding party should be exempt from the rule. She is only upset because she thinks her kids should be the one using that exemption not someone else’s.

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I don't think the point is exactly about whether it is or isn't childfree.

If there were zero children, there would be no case for OPs kids to be there. Totally inarguable.

I don't think OPs mum was right to suggest getting around this as flower girls. So i agree with you on that.

But it then transpires it isn't a childfree wedding because there are children in the wedding party. So it's not a childfree wedding, it's a wedding where OPs kids are being excluded by their uncle while the bride invites whatever kids she wants.

The uncle os being an arsehole.

cheddercherry · 02/04/2025 11:49

It’s an invite not a summons so you can all not go if you’re upset over it, and quite clearly that would impact your brothers relationship with his family.

You can’t demand your kids be in a wedding, although it does seem odd that allowances are made for the brides family and not your side. You can voice this upset to your brother, but I wouldn’t expect much to change except a more soured relationship. It doesn’t sound like him and his bride to be are that close to your side (or at least don’t feel like they are) and maybe that’s why this has all unfolded?

JudithWithABigKnife · 02/04/2025 11:49

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:26

I know we are all coming over as entitled. I can see the logic but if someone would just tell my heart.

Your heart doesn't need to be involved at all, especially if it's given to juvenile wailing with your mother over something that isn't worth a second thought. I'd suggest it grew the hell up if I were talking to it.

You were invited to something. Go or don't go. It's not your call to try to get other people invited, or to try to inveigle them into a role in someone else's wedding.

If this is something that is causing you to break down in tears repeatedly with your mother, I'd seek medical advice. Save the tears for when they're needed for something sad and important.

Seventree · 02/04/2025 11:50

I think you're being a bit OTT. My sister is close to my young children, we spend time together every week and she likes being around them. If she chose not to invite them to her wedding I'd think it was out of character... but I wouldn't cry about it. I'd be upset if I couldn't find a babysitter and she was unbothered but that's not the case for you.

Other people's weddings aren't about you or your children. Lots of people prefer child free weddings. Having young children at any event changes the dynamic and some people just prefer a more adult feel 🤷‍♀️

MentallyDatingDaveGrohl · 02/04/2025 11:51

Surprisedcupcake · 02/04/2025 11:46

The fact that you're all falling apart crying over it is utterly ridiculous. It's not your wedding, it's not about you or your kids. It's about the bride and groom. Either don't go or suck it up. But don't create drama over someone else's life event. It's utterly ridiculous.

Succinctly put.

Fargo79 · 02/04/2025 11:52

Of course YANBU to be hurt. Essentially they have created a hierarchy of "people who are important to us" by choosing two children to be involved in the wedding and overlooking your children. I would be hurt by that as well.

I think my response would be that I would come to the actual ceremony by myself but that neither DH or I would be attending the reception. You don't need to give a reason, any more than your brother feels the need to justify inviting children from SIL's side but not his own nieces. I definitely would not be asking for invitations for the children as I know that even if they said yes, it wouldn't make me feel any better about the situation. The damage is done.

Sorry OP. I can see why this would be very hurtful for you and your family. I think it's very unkind for PPs to tell you that you're ridiculous etc. In a close knit family this would be very upsetting.

Katiesaidthat · 02/04/2025 11:52

Agix · 02/04/2025 11:07

YABU. People can have child free weddings if they want. You already have confirmation that it is child free.

Their wedding day is about them, not you. Don't tell him to invite them because you're upset, that would be kinda shitty of you. Again, it's not about you or your kids. You'll just be causing unnecessary hassle and embarrassing yourself.

If you can't go due to no childcare available, then don't go... But don't expect it to make a difference or be an effective guilt trip. The bride and groom probably won't care.

My partner and I are having a child free wedding and if any parents tell us they can't come due to it, we're not gonna care. Can't be helped. Still not having children there.

Edited

Odd, I would care very much if my brother said he couldn´t come. I only invited people I actually wanted there. Why would you invite people you don´t care if they are there or not?

VickyEadieofThigh · 02/04/2025 11:53

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 02/04/2025 11:47

This is why I am so grateful to be an only child
No family drama,

And why I made the decision for both my ceremonies to only have witnesses. With the first, we had planned a registry office then meal with immediate family only - but my mother started trying to tell me I "had to" invite others so we cancelled and eloped.

Howmanyflags · 02/04/2025 11:53

Feelings are ok- you can't control them- it's ok to feel very upset about it. But it doesn't give a free license for any behaviour in response. It's your brother's wedding and he should be able to celebrate it in any way he chooses. No-one has a right to dictate how someone else should celebrate their wedding- weddings are different for everyone, so forget your preconceived ideas (SIL has flower girls so my children should be there too, they're his neices they should be there etc etc), and respect your brother's wishes for his day. He's chosen to invite the people he wants to be there, you can accept his invite and support him for the day or gracefully decline... You can say 'The girls will be sorry to miss the day- they would have loved to come and I'm sad they won't be there to share it', but if you tell him you think they should have been invited it shows you have a total disregard for his wishes, that you think your feelings are superior to his, that you should get your own way no matter what, and that's likely to impact your realtionship with him for a long time...

Turtlepineapple · 02/04/2025 11:53

In the kindest way, do you think this is why brother and SIL haven’t mentioned much to you and your family about the wedding? Perhaps they know you’re an OTT make everything about yourself family and they are worried. For example, your whole family falling apart and crying? Is very odd. And your mum suggesting to your brother your girls are flower girls, very odd to make that choice for the bride and groom and get involved like that

PurpleThistle7 · 02/04/2025 11:53

I can't work out why you're this upset to be honest - it's just a day, you can go or not but there isn't really anything to say to him about it. You wouldn't want your kids there just due to some sort of ultimatum anyway.

Leave them home with your DH and enjoy the day with your parents would be my first suggestion - or skip the whole thing and have a lovely day with your kids.

Bumcake · 02/04/2025 11:54

Purpleturtle43 · 02/04/2025 11:29

I think it's crap not to invite nieces and nephews to a wedding and even worse that there are other children going.

I agree, no children is a valid choice but if you’re going to have two randoms there but not your family members that seems a bit pointed. I don’t know what the answer is OP, but in your shoes I’d be very upset as well.

Starlight1984 · 02/04/2025 11:54

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:48

I don't think the point is exactly about whether it is or isn't childfree.

If there were zero children, there would be no case for OPs kids to be there. Totally inarguable.

I don't think OPs mum was right to suggest getting around this as flower girls. So i agree with you on that.

But it then transpires it isn't a childfree wedding because there are children in the wedding party. So it's not a childfree wedding, it's a wedding where OPs kids are being excluded by their uncle while the bride invites whatever kids she wants.

The uncle os being an arsehole.

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Having been to a number of childfree weddings, the wedding party is ALWAYS exempt to the rule.

He's not being an arsehole at all. He has probably chosen his best man / groomsmen / page boys and his fiancée has chosen the bridesmaids and flower girls which don't include the OPs daughters. Most likely her own friends children. That is perfectly normal.

I have a huge family and some weddings have involved nieces / nephews / kids step-kids in the wedding party, some have had a few but not all, and others have had none at all.

Never have I heard of families crying and saying they can't face going to a wedding to witness children other than their own in the wedding party. Madness.

Bruisername · 02/04/2025 11:54

This isn’t about the wedding it’s about the fact your brother doesn’t see his nieces as ‘family’

my kids were the only kids at their aunts wedding because she loves them and wanted everyone she loves at her wedding.

Yiayoula · 02/04/2025 11:55

JudithWithABigKnife · 02/04/2025 11:49

Your heart doesn't need to be involved at all, especially if it's given to juvenile wailing with your mother over something that isn't worth a second thought. I'd suggest it grew the hell up if I were talking to it.

You were invited to something. Go or don't go. It's not your call to try to get other people invited, or to try to inveigle them into a role in someone else's wedding.

If this is something that is causing you to break down in tears repeatedly with your mother, I'd seek medical advice. Save the tears for when they're needed for something sad and important.

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Put more harshly that I would have done, OP, but I do tend to agree.
Accept or decline, then move on .
It’s not worth upsetting yourself, and everyone else , over .

godmum56 · 02/04/2025 11:55

WimpoleHat · 02/04/2025 11:07

Honestly - I’d write a formal but breezy “so sorry we won’t be able to join you due to childcare issues - as you’ll understand, we will be limited in our options on that day! Wishing you and SIL name a wonderful day.”

And then leave the ball firmly in their court…..

this. Its their choice what kind of wedding to have, its your choice whether to go or not. I get your mother being upset but "keeping crying"???? If it upsets your parents that much why don't you all refuse and go off and have a lovely time together doing something else?

Starlight1984 · 02/04/2025 11:55

Bumcake · 02/04/2025 11:54

I agree, no children is a valid choice but if you’re going to have two randoms there but not your family members that seems a bit pointed. I don’t know what the answer is OP, but in your shoes I’d be very upset as well.

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They're clearly not randoms though are they 😂I'm guessing the bride actually knows them and is close to them if they are in their wedding party?! People don't tend to choose complete strangers!

OP and her husband are just put out because they haven't chosen her daughters.

Fargo79 · 02/04/2025 11:55

JudithWithABigKnife · 02/04/2025 11:49

Your heart doesn't need to be involved at all, especially if it's given to juvenile wailing with your mother over something that isn't worth a second thought. I'd suggest it grew the hell up if I were talking to it.

You were invited to something. Go or don't go. It's not your call to try to get other people invited, or to try to inveigle them into a role in someone else's wedding.

If this is something that is causing you to break down in tears repeatedly with your mother, I'd seek medical advice. Save the tears for when they're needed for something sad and important.

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This is so unkind. OP is a stranger to you. There's absolutely no need for the venom ("juvenile", "grow the hell up", "seek medical advice").

Daisyvodka · 02/04/2025 11:56

OP I'm think it would be good for you to drill down exactly why this is upsetting you.

Is it:

you thought your brother enjoyed your children's company enough that he'd want them at an adults only wedding
you had an image in your head of your children at the wedding
you and your brother or you and your SIL aren't close and this cements it
you don't know anyone who has had a child free wedding or a wedding where only the wedding party are included
you were hoping your children would be in the wedding party
you think your brother and/or SIL are disinterested in/dislike your children (based on prior behaviour) and this cements it
your brother doesn't really make the effort with you but does with your SILs family by proxy and that's hurtful, this is the icing on the cake (to add a note here: ii have observed it can be common for men to not make much of an effort with their own families, while their wives make an effort with theirs, so it looks like favouritism when it's not)
it feels like a rejection of your children and therefore you, and that's hard (and can be especially hard if you yourself have struggled with feelings of rejection in the past)

Try and drill down a bit more on what exactly is bothering you and it might help you work through the upset a bit. Do any of the above ring true?

Lindy2 · 02/04/2025 11:56

I can fully understand how hurt you are.

It's not really about a child free wedding. It's about how you and your family are clearly second best to your brother's fiancee's family and friends.

If there are already 2 children going then they could choose to easily accommodate 2 more who also happen to be the groom's neices - ie very close blood relatives.

How close are you to your brother OP. Could you tell him how you feel? It does sound like he's not really involved in the organisation of this wedding. Hopefully the rest of their relationship is a bit more equal.

CaffeineNChaos · 02/04/2025 11:56

Yes I would say YABU. Lots of people don’t have children at weddings. We are having our own and that’s it. I’m sure lots of people are disappointed but weddings are expensive and children are annoying at weddings IMO