Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

A public service announcement. Those people who equate family with blood relatives are being incredibly ignorant, insensitive, bigoted, offensive. Genuine family is far more diverse, nuanced, multi-faceted, surprising. That is all.

Basically a bit like saying, "yes it is a gluten-free bread, it only has a little bit of gluten in it"

Sounds like maybe your kids have had a lucky escape, OP, if the happy couple are planning to recreate Hansel and Gretel. Let's hope no one's allergic to children.

I think people generally understand the concept of "child free except for immediate family".

The problem here is that they can't say they're drawing the line in a logical place such as "children in our immediate family" because they have excluded children in their immediate family but included more distantly related children.

That makes it look as though where they have actually drawn the line is "children we like" versus "children we don't like".

No they are drawing the line at children in the wedding party. No just normal guest children.

Let's face it, we're all just waiting for the OP to admit that Harmony is a violent thug and Alethea has never told the truth in her life, hence why their uncle can't stand them. Unless he just doesn't like dogs. Some people don't, you know.

This is why one of my friends eloped. Her mother insisted she invite a cousin she hadn't seen in years because she was inviting a cousin she saw several times per month. Blood relations are not all that make a family.

The brother & SIL to be are being completely myopic, stupid, clueless, egocentric, self-absorbed.........

Imagine asking the best man's son to be 'page boy' and then not inviting his sister.

I think you and the best man need to have a word with your brother

then why is he bothering to invite his sister if he isn’t close enough to her to be bothered if she came? I am close to my sibling and by extension I am close to their children. They don’t live in a void.

Would you not be embarrassed to show up to a wedding you expressly have not been invited to? I know technically you can, but I wouldn't take my children somewhere they weren't wanted.

That's the line that tends to be drawn when inviting adults to events. It makes sense to apply it to children too.

There's no reason children you're related to should take automatic precedence (adults too, in fact). Many, many people feel closer to friends (and friends' children) over family.

In this case I'm not remotely surprised if the brother feels like that given what absolute drama llamas his family are proving themselves to be. The poor couple are probably wishing they'd eloped now.

I can’t imagine why the brother seems to keep his immediate family at arms length. It’s such mystery.

It's child free except the wedding party. It's the same concept as child free except immediate family.

He could be close to his sister without being close to her kids, it could be because they grew up together, it could be because he feels a sense of duty.

Neither of which are actually 'child-free'.

Would you prefer "they only want certain kids there, they clearly don't want OPs"? I'm sure OP with take that in a calm and reasonable manner.

And plenty who aren't

And presumably they know what this 9 year old is like...

But they have chosen which children are in the wedding party. So they are still saying, "we like these children better than your children". That's what's caused the hurt.

There are a few possibilities here.

Maybe the bride and groom don't actually realise how much upset they have caused, they just thought that the bride would pick a couple of girls to be flower girls and the groom would pick a boy to be a page boy, and it just so happens that the bride's child relatives are girls but the groom's child relatives are not boys, and so he picked his godson. If this is the case, and there is no real reason to think that these children are capable of behaving themselves during the ceremony and the wedding reception but the OP's are not, the bride and groom should now realise that their decision has upset the groom's close family and revisit it. Or if they have a hard limit on numbers which has now been reached, apologise profusely, confirm that they have no problem with the OP's children but just didn't think their decision would upset anyone, and say that the OP's children can be included if numbers allow once all the RSVPs are in.

If there is actually a reason why they specifically don't want the OP's children at the wedding when they are happy to have other children there, they should have handled it differently. In the OP's brother's position, I would have said to my fiancée, "Look, I know you find Jemima and Rebecca annoying but if they aren't invited when other children are, it's going to upset my family. I think we should either just suck it up and invite them, or have no children at all and say we're having a completely child free wedding."

If they discussed it all and really weren't willing to compromise in any way and either invite the OP's children or have a genuinely child free wedding, it would have been a much better idea to bring it up proactively with the OP and her parents, rather than employing avoidance tactics which have spectacularly backfired.

It's a shame he couldn't just have told Op why he doesn't want them there or why he thought it would be better if they weren't there.

Not really, he only sees them at their parents and goes to a class or two that they do to hang out with his sister. That's not a close uncle/niece relationship it's more seeing the kids because they happen to be there.

I have nieces - my sisters kids - my relationship with them is sort of like this and I'd definitely not say we were close.

I also have nieces from my marriage - they are adult now but from an early age I spent time with them, took them out for the day, had them to stay with us and we are close now.

The difference is stark. I chose to spend time with one set over another because they weren't/aren't selfish, tanrtuming brats like my sister and her kids.

Exactly. What’s the plan here - for OP and her mother to pore over the photos quietly weeping on a weekly basis? They know Netflix is like ten quid a month, right?

“Space is limited and I’m just not that close to your small children” probably wouldn’t have gone down well.

If that really is the case, the grandmother needs professional psychotherapy ASAP.

Let's put it this way: all of the stropping over this, NO ONE from this side of the family is likely to be in any of B's wedding photos, or future photos.

Is a few hours really worth the long-term rift? For children who the uncle barely knows, and who wouldn't know the difference if they were just sent to their other granny's for the night? OP and her family (other than the brother, who is admirably keeping up his boundaries) seem extremely lacking in resiliance.

The other way of looking at it is, is excluding two children from your wedding really worth a long term rift?

it would have been a much better idea to bring it up proactively with the OP and her parents, rather than employing avoidance tactics which have spectacularly backfired

"You lot are dramatic nightmares and I'm trying to limit my contact with you and definitely your active involvement in my life (but I don't want to go fully NC... yet)" would go down very well, I'm sure.

Yes you're probably right.

I suppose in the minds of the B&G they are having childfree apart from the flower girls/page boy.

Who happen not to be Op's kids!