Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

What ramifications? you go to a wedding or not why are things always made so difficult?

I’m the first to say it’s their wedding if the want no children no exception to the rule FINE and to stop being so precious

But I can’t wrap my head around how kids on brides side are allowed but brothers side are not. So YANBU

I can understand flower girls coming from bride's side. I can understand child free weddings, buy given that there will be some children there (flower girls) I do think they could have included the groom's nieces.

Assuming everyone has normal loving relationships, of course you can tell brother how hurt you're feeling. You can't necessarily expect him to change anything but you can discuss the reasoning and how it's making you all feel.

The thing about not wanting your girls to see the other flower girls is making you all sound very spoiled though.

My parents had a very clear view on what my wedding should be, my mum even told me certain things I had to do as she didn’t get much choice in her wedding day either. The difference was when my mum got married her parents paid for the lot, which was why her parents called the tune.

His mum may have a very clear view on who should be invited and what the day should entail, but unless they are footing the bill with conditions attached she should keep her beak out.

Say nothing. They can have/not have whoever they like at their wedding.

Why don’t you just go and enjoy yourself and leave children with your DH parents? I’ve no help on my DH side and am not looking forward to my brothers wedding where I will have to go to the room early for bedtime the night before, can’t have more than a glass of wine as I’m in charge of children, try catch up with family with two kids hanging onto me and then do bedtime most likely missing first dance and am not looking forward to either going to bed myself at 9 and missing all the fun or having to leave them with hotel babysitter and worry about that all night. I’d love to have the option to go actually enjoy the wedding knowing my children were safe with grandparents. Cant believe you’re crying over it!

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying.

WTF?

This.
I can never understand what makes people
a) think they are entitled to insert their own DC everywhere and
b) actually be rude enough to mention it to the couple at all.

By all means be upset op, you feel how you feel, but very out of order to mention it and for your DM to call to discuss it. Of course it wasn’t an oversight!

I get that you’re upset. I get that your mum is a bit upset but she’s crying??? And your dad doesn’t want to go?? Do they always dial the emotion up to 10? And she thought of course your dhs parents woukd be invited because your dhs sister invited your parents? Thats totally irrational.

Id however be upset in your shoes. I’d say to brother I get mum and dad are overreacting but I’m a bit upset your nieces aren’t invited. Nobody objects when family are exceptions ro the no children rule, could you consider that? I would NOT get my mum to!! Dhs mum is a massive intermediary between her kids and it pisses me off. I’m like no thank you, we have a phone and know their number. And if she comes to us with something about another sibling I sometimes just ignore it with a hmm ok unless the other sibling contacts me. I think of it as me being extremely helpful, and freeing up her life 😁

I understand people not wanting children at their wedding, but find it hard that your DB couldn’t tell you or your parents this before sending out invites. We turned down invitations when our DC were young to any event they weren’t invited to, unless it was an evening invite then my in laws would look after DC.

I think you can express that you are upset with your brother and his partner because your children weren’t invited and say how sad you’ll be because it realistically may make it more difficult for you to attend. But you can’t ask for your children to be invited. It’s a shitty thing to not invite them, but it’s also their choice to be shitty.

I mean, if you make yoyr wedding child free - then expect some parents who are invited not to attend, even if they are close family.. ramifications of the decision to make it child free...

You'll notice I've said not to make demands, which is in agreement with your "just go/ don't go"

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings

Well, that is effectively what you will start if you kick off about your children not being invited to a wedding.

Anyway - YABU. Your children aren't invited. The end. You can't demand that they be invited to a childfree wedding and there is no point in having a go at your brother about it when the decision has been made.

The fact that your future SIL is having two kids from her own family/circle of friends as 'flower girls' is neither here nor there. Bridesmaids/flower girls are the bride's attendants and therefore girls from her own family rather than your brother's would take precedence.

If you and your mum are crying I can see why your brother wants to keep it low key. Are you always so dramatic? They could’ve had a secret registry office wedding with two mates as witnesses and no family at all (and if I was them, I’d have opted for this!) but it seems they’re inviting immediate family but not doing unnecessary fripperies. It is entirely their choice. It isn’t a slight against you or your children. Some people just don’t like big weddings, or small children.

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

This is ridiculous. Even more so than you and your mum crying over the fact your children aren't invited to a childfree wedding.

MOH, bridesmaids and flower girls are generally on the brides side of family / friends.

Best Men, groomsmen and page boys are from the grooms side.

Therefore if you had a son, they would potentially be a page boy but you don't. And it makes complete sense that your daughters aren't included in the wedding party.

They don't want your daughters there and the invitations are solely for you and your DH. I don't understand why so many parents are so entitled that they fight back on childfree wedding invitations thinking the rule doesn't apply to them. Having a childfree wedding isn't a completely outlandish prospect, please respect your DB's wishes and don't embarrass yourself trying to force an invitation. Screaming, bored and attention- seeking children are a costly annoyance at a wedding where people often want to let their hair down and party.

Just get a babysitter (the kids aren't breastfed babies who cannot be left with a sitter) go to your DB'S wedding, have some drinks and let your hair down childfree. I reckon the 2 flower girls will be gone after the ceremony and will be part of the bride's wedding party.

What a drama.

I don’t imagine the bride was too impressed when your DM assumed her DGDs could be the flower girls in order to bypass the no kids rule.

Give all your heads a wobble.

Some of these responses are just cruel and cold.

I get it @GutsyPeachExpert

I have 7 siblings and from the eldest right down, we were all asked along with our children. I am the youngest and at the time of my wedding I had 12 nieces/nephews at my wedding.

We're Irish and it wouldn't occur to us not to have our nieces or nephews at the wedding.

It was great seeing them all dressed up and dancing and having fun - a wedding is a coming together of two people, of two families, why would we leave half the family at home?

I can see the point of child free weddings for people who aren't in your close family circle.

we've been invited to a lot of weddings as a couple without our children, and we went and enjoyed them, but not a siblings wedding!! It's just mean. Particularly as they're the only niece/nephews on your brothers side.

I'd definitely let him know it's hurtful, I'd also point out that it's excluding your children and as such, you don't feel welcome.

And let them get on with their wedding and when people ask where you are they'll have to say, she didn't come as we didn't invite her children. 🤔

I mean you and your mother are both being way over the top.

It doesn’t sound like you are even that close if nobody had any ideas on any of the plans for the wedding untill the official invites came out.

Im sure people have been and will be alone to blame the SIL as she’s probably doing the lions share of planning but unless she’s some heartless sod she will of asked him who he wants to invite and they will of BOTH discussed it being childfree.

I always thought bridesmaids where the wife family/friends as they are the brides maids… flower girls being the following on, for the younger girls in her family.

Yes, “their wedding their choice” is true, but doesn’t exempt people from consequences of hurtful decisions.
People can have whatever wedding they want, what they can’t do is complain if other people decide not to attend.

Personally I wouldn’t care if my DDs were flower girls - nice idea but I’d be stressed, and I’d rather leave them at home. But I can see why people would be hurt that the bride’s extended family (not her nieces, something else) are included but the groom’s nieces aren’t.

I think OP’s DH is being ridiculous to say that he now doesn’t want the girls to go and see other children being flower girls. Firstly, they aren’t invited, so that won’t be an issue. Secondly, why would they expect to be flower girls? That expectation (and therefore the disappointment) only comes from parents. My five year old wouldn’t view it as another child has been selected for a special job and she hasn’t unless I made a thing of it.

This is ridiculous.

We had a child free wedding a few weeks ago, not a single person declined due to childcare, they were all more than happy to celebrate with us and their friends/family members without having to worry about their kids.

The flower girls are the brides choice (we personally didn't have any). Seems like you're just pissed off that she picked someone else's kids instead of yours.

You've said child care isn't an issue, so either use this option and go and have a lovely day with your husband, or don't, and rsvp no. It's not a big drama.

Their wedding, their rules

You brother is a passenger in his wedding will this also be the case in his marriage?

On either side do you already have nieces or nephews?

According to the OP who clearly doesn't like her SIL so would take this with a pinch of salt...