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Original poster

Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

1000 replies

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:05

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

OP posts:
Hecatoncheires · 02/04/2025 11:20

I would be on the phone like a shot to my brother if he hadn't invited my DD to his wedding. I understand childfree and that it's the bride-and-groom's choice but FFS. Nieces and nephews aren't just random kids. I don't blame you for being upset, OP.

unbelieveable22 · 02/04/2025 11:21

I understand your upset. The groom has 2 nieces who are being excluded from the wedding yet 2 young members of the brides extended family are being included. So not a childfree wedding. Just selective.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 02/04/2025 11:21

What a load of drama.

There's no need for crying and people being grumpy and refusing to go in order to emotionally blackmail your brother into inviting your dds.

They have made their choices about their wedding, all you have to do is RSVP yes or no.

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:22

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:20

It's not childfree, OP says

"However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side."

Edited
Show quote history

Eta, what I meant to add what that it's not childfree, it's deliberately exclusionary to OPs children.

And OPs kids would be the only nieces there related to the bride or groom

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 11:23

CheesePlantBoxes · 02/04/2025 11:20

It's not childfree, OP says

"However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side."

Edited
Show quote history

“but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule.”

She says it is childfree and that they she accepts that kids in the wedding party should be exempt from the rule. She is only upset because she thinks her kids should be the one using that exemption not someone else’s.

MagpiePi · 02/04/2025 11:24

..he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls..

You and your DH sound quite entitled OP. It is your brother’s wedding and he can have it how he wants.

HelloNorthernStar · 02/04/2025 11:25

Why have you not spoken to your brother about this?

TulipTiptoer · 02/04/2025 11:25

I'd be upset too, not crying, but upset.

Not as bad as what happened to us. My brother got married for the second time and all the nieces and nephews were invited except for our two (similar age to yours OP and well behaved). The reason was... they're the youngest and we don't have room!
Rightio, we're not coming then!

They found room. But it left a nasty taste in the mouth.

Sassybooklover · 02/04/2025 11:26

As much as you don't like the situation, it's your brother and SIL's choice with regards to having children present. It would have been nice for your daughter's to be flower girls, but clearly your SIL doesn't see it that way, and has instead including 2 children on her side of the family. Are you close to your brother and SIL? Do they have much to do with your children? I had my 2 nieces on my husband's side as flower girls and 2 friends as bridesmaids. Neither of my husband's sisters were asked to be bridesmaids but we're witnesses instead. I think you need to accept the situation for how it is. See if someone on your husband's side can look after your children on the day. If they can't then you will have to attend yourself or refuse the invite all together.

Original poster
GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:26

I know we are all coming over as entitled. I can see the logic but if someone would just tell my heart.

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 02/04/2025 11:26

So you said we so you have a partner why can't they stay home with the children and you go? It doesn't have to be a drama

Livpool · 02/04/2025 11:26

I think child-free weddings are a bit weird so I just wouldn’t go. I always think a wedding is a celebration of 2 families and to say ‘no kids’ is a bit odd to me

JudithWithABigKnife · 02/04/2025 11:27

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:15

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

I know it’s their wedding and the world is a mess but I am genuinely upset.

You and your mother are being profoundly ridiculous and interfering. It's a childfree party with an exception made for two children from the bride's family to be flower girls. Your children aren't invited. If you have no issues with childcare, don't pretend that it's impossible for you to attend without your children. The melodrama and weeping and stuff is juvenile and tiresome.

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 02/04/2025 11:28

Really depends on how close you are to your brother as to whether you go or not.

You could casually ask about it and see what he says.

I would go to the wedding, you did your duty and it may be useful for building a future relationship with your DB and SIL, otherwise you and your parents may be marginalised even further in the future.

Dramatic · 02/04/2025 11:29

People will say "it's their wedding their choice" which of course it is, but I'd be incredibly hurt if my sibling did this to me. I think it would actually damage our relationship.

MathsMum3 · 02/04/2025 11:29

It sounds to me like your SIL is very much viewing this as HER wedding and not THEIR wedding, and is not much interested in your family. She wasn't there when your DB told parents, flower girls are from her friends (I assume as you say she doesn't have nieces) rather than your family, and not inviting your in-laws etc. However, to be fair to her, it doesn't seem like your DB has been very proactive in wedding arrangements, or been assertive about his side of the family.

Unless there's some history between your family and your SIL, it sounds like she's being somewhat unreasonable, especially as your DM appears upset by this too - I would have thought your DB would have wanted his own mother to be happy at his wedding.

Purpleturtle43 · 02/04/2025 11:29

I think it's crap not to invite nieces and nephews to a wedding and even worse that there are other children going.

Regretsmorethanafew · 02/04/2025 11:30

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:15

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

I know it’s their wedding and the world is a mess but I am genuinely upset.

But when you thought your kids would be flower girls and be the only children there, you were more than ok with that.
You're entitled AND hypocritical and dramatic.

Dramatic · 02/04/2025 11:30

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:26

I know we are all coming over as entitled. I can see the logic but if someone would just tell my heart.

You're allowed to feel hurt and upset by this, it's a very hurtful thing for them to do.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/04/2025 11:31

GutsyPeachExpert · 02/04/2025 11:15

My DH actually doesn’t want to go without the girls he also now doesn’t want them to go to see two other little girls in the roles of flower girls. I know we are unreasonable about this aspect.

Childcare wouldn’t be a problem as such, either with DH or my in-laws (who my mother expected to be invited as they were invited to DH’s sister’s wedding).

My dad doesn’t want to go either now. Mum and I keep crying. I know mumsnet can’t understand crying over these things.

I know it’s their wedding and the world is a mess but I am genuinely upset.

Why would your DM expect your in-laws to be invited to the wedding unless they happen to have some personal connection with the couple? That seems quite a stretch to the normal invitation lists.

Flower girls commonly come from the bride's side, the wedding party is generally accepted as exempt from childfree weddings. In my limited experience of childfree weddings the "childfree" aspect has been due to the sheer number of young children who would be included to avoid bickering between relatives.

You need to speak to your brother if you are unhappy about it rather than dwell on it with DM and DH, neither of whom are organising the wedding.

toomuchfaff · 02/04/2025 11:31

When people make decisions about their wedding, they have to accept those decisions have ramifications, and you not going would be a reaction to it not being a family invite including your children.

Sounds like your brother is a passenger in this (if you were. close), considering his silence in everything.

Let them have they wedding they want, without you - if thats your decison. Support your parents who are upset that the wedding is not what they envisaged, it's not "acting entitled" to be upset, being upset is perfecly justified and is a consequence, the entitlement comes in if anyone suggests using that "upset" as manipulation to make the Bride and Groom make changes.

By all means tell the brother you're surprised about the lack of invite for the children, and that as a result you will/won't be there. But don't demand they change anything.

BlondeMummyto1 · 02/04/2025 11:32

It’s their wedding, their choice. Bite your tongue.

ilovepixie · 02/04/2025 11:32

And why would your husbands parents be invited?

ThejoyofNC · 02/04/2025 11:33

YANBU OP. I think the child free wedding trend is absolutely awful and I wouldn't attend either. Since when did a wedding need to exclude children? I'll tell you, ever since it became a big me me me eventually that's all about the bride and her magical day and nobody gives a crap about the guests. Honestly I'm so glad weddings in my culture aren't like this because I wouldn't go to any.

Pippyls67 · 02/04/2025 11:33

WimpoleHat · 02/04/2025 11:07

Honestly - I’d write a formal but breezy “so sorry we won’t be able to join you due to childcare issues - as you’ll understand, we will be limited in our options on that day! Wishing you and SIL name a wonderful day.”

And then leave the ball firmly in their court…..

This is the perfect response.

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