Brother’s Wedding Would You Say Something?

[GutsyPeachExpert]

Brother announced that he and SiL were getting married in September. She wasn’t even there when he told my mother. They didn’t have engagement or a big fanfare or anything.

When they have been asked about the wedding he never knows the answer but she is more forthcoming.

Once Dad asked for a lift with something but brother said he wasn’t free as they were looking at venues so that was the only hint we got.

We have now got formal wedding invitations through the post and my two little girls 6 and 4 aren’t invited.

My mother immediately rang him as she thought it was an oversite but it is a child free wedding. My mother said that as SiL doesn’t have nieces she thought my girls would be flower girls and could they make an exception as nobody would question the wedding party being an exception to the child free rule. However, he said they already had two flower girls from SiL’s side. We have never heard her even speak about these children.

I am so upset. I can accept logically the flower girl thing but for them not to be even there!

I don’t want a debate on children at weddings I want to know if I would be unreasonable to speak to my brother about how upset I am and to ask that they be invited.

I guess everyone's family is different but maybe OPs family isn't like yours? So stop saying she is over reacting.

This simply would not fly in my family. Siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, everyone is invited to every single thing. None of us would ever exclude anyone.

This is a brother excluding his sisters children from his wedding.

That's wrong in my opinion but maybe I just have higher expectations of my family.

I actually do think it is odd to have a 'child free wedding' but also have flower girls, it's not actually a child free wedding?

Either way you aren't saying how close you all are (or aren't), if you hardly see the SIL I wouldn't expect her to have your children as flower girls to be honest.

Your kids aren't invited so will only be 'heartbroken' if you tell them they should be, and your DH response to not want to see other CHILDREN as flower girls is absolutely bloody ridiculous.

Stop making trouble for your brother, and either accept of decline.. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES contact him to get him to change his mind.

I mean he could have groom girls if he wanted. Brides side is the bridesmaids and flower girls traditionally.

It’s not a direct snub they are the children who will be getting ready with the bride. If the brother wanted his nieces and nephews involved then that happens on his side.

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed that other children, no closer to the couple than yours, will be invited. You are maybe a bit unreasonable to be upset that your daughters are not flower girls. You are unreasonable to assume your daughters would be upset at not being flower girls as many children go to weddings where they aren't on the wedding and other children are. I'd go to the wedding, despite being annoyed about the other kids being there and mine not. I'd also wonder if there is a concerning power dynamic in the relationship where my brother's wishes were tramped over, or whether my brother genuinely didn't want his nieces there.

You aren’t. You are simply understandably hurt.

You'll be on a hiding to nothing if you say anything. But I'd be gutted.

Sorry but this is the worse kind of emotional blackmail.
Your children are not invited to a childfree wedding so now the whole lot of you have decided to ruin your DBs wedding by making a big drama about it? How awful, if you can't get child care don't go, if you can then you just tell your kids its a grown ups event and you and your DH attend - because it is your brother.

If you throw a big wobbly over their choice of wedding and manage to get the whole family not to attend because the couple have decided on child free, then you will cause a huge rift, That's on you, you can pull yourself together, put on a smile, go to the wedding and wish the couple well, or you can make it all about you and cause huge problems and upset in your family. I suggest you choose the grown up option, and welcome your new SIL into the family.(And stop blaming her for decisions that are joint with your brother)

It is one day, not the end of the world, your kids won't care unless you make it a big deal.

No, you shouldn’t ask for them to be invited or put your emotional baggage on your brother.

Your brother and his fiancee can choose to have a child free wedding and you and your DH can decline the invitation. It does seem like a snub if there are children attending as flower girls on her side, so even if she didn't want your daughters as flower girls, they could have made an exception and allowed your kids to attend.

I wouldn't make a fuss about it because that would be unreasonable but I would just politely decline.

It sounds like SIL is pulling the strings. I’d just accept it because it’s not going to get any better once she gets him down the aisle.

Child free weddings are for immature dicks. That is all.

Sorry, not your wedding , and yes, it would be wrong to say something. In my day, no one questioned children at a wedding, but I understand things are different now.

I don't think you're being entitled. Child free weddings are fine, but if there's exceptions to the rule the decent thing would be for the couple to ensure it's equal and fair on both sides.....as much as is reasonably possible. My concern would be that it's "her" wedding rather than her and your Brother's wedding. Does this also reflect their relationship as a whole? It's difficult to know whether he's not taking an equal part in the planning because he's lazy and can't be arsed, or because he's not allowed input and he knows it's her way it the high way.

I agree. My brother did this over his 50th birthday. He had an event to which my children could easily have been invited to attend the first few hours, he was holding it miles away from where we live and obviously our only child care options were going to be at the party. I spoke to him and asked if they could go for the first couple of hours until 8:00 p.m. and then DH would take them back to my parents and stay with them for the rest of the evening and my brother said no. So I said we couldn't go and we didn't. But I have barely seen him since and I cannot look at him in the same way anymore because he actively excluded his only niece and nephew from a special family occasion for no good reason at all.

My children were both quite upset when they found out. I didn't tell them about the party at all but when I was organising my own big party they realised their uncle would have had one previously and asked about it.

Yes, people can make their own decisions about their own events but they can't expect everyone to just suck it up and think that it's okay when it really isn't.

and this.

It's their wedding day. One of the most special days of their lives. Not yours. They are well within their rights to have a child free wedding. It's not that deep. Many do it.

Even the best behaved children in the world can kick off unexpectedly and that's potentially not the vibe they want for their big day. Also, go and bloody enjoy yourselves kid free! It's not often that parents get a full day and night away to let their hair down.

I always fail to see the drama with child free weddings. It is what it is. YABU to want to raise this with DB. This is what the couple want and it is all about them, not you or your feelings. Don't taint their excitement and create tensions that don't need to be created.

Absolutely!!! She will still be left with her unresolved feelings

tell him your hurt etc, don’t dress it up as something else

Excellent! Good on you.
I did same for 2nd; had the registry office ceremony with bestie and her dh as witnesses, told family post event.
Surprisingly, the sky did not fall in, nor did the world end...

As said, it's usyal for the bride to choose flower girls/BM who are close to her. She then covers the cost of their outfits/hair. Catering can be £70 per head, a complete waste for children. Some people have to bump up numbers so invite in-laws, if you have more family, friends etc then that becomes impossible. It says a lot about family relationships if neither of your parents couldn't just have a chat with your brother. Absolutely ridiculous that you and your mother are crying over this. Your DH is in danger of giving your girls, main character syndrome, if he thinks they can't cope with seeing other children do something they aren't.

Yes, heaven forbid he should give a tiny shit about his own nieces.

Emotional baggage my arse

SIL has made an exception for children she wants to be there but your brother hasn’t done that for your daughters. I maybe wouldn’t be quite as emotional as you but I’d find it hurtful. Are you close? Is he close to his nieces?

I wouldn't have a child free wedding myself, but I honestly cannot believe the absolute drama people cause about them. Nobody is entitled to an invite to a wedding – the only people that have to be there are the bride and groom.

This is one of those dismaying threads where some posters are clearly relishing the chance to be cruel in their replies.

I also think some posters who had child free weddings themselves can get defensive when the subject comes up, and feel like they’re being personally attacked for their choices if someone else is suggesting children should be invited (and for the record, I have no problem with child free weddings - I had one myself).

But the issue here isn’t child free weddings in general. It’s specifically about children in your immediate family, which surely most people can see is a more complicated and fraught question. It’s obtuse to refuse to acknowledge that it might cause hurt to exclude your own nieces/ nephews from your wedding, especially if children from the other side have been invited, regardless of whether or not they’re in the wedding party.

The problem with having extra children that are not the wedding party is the line has to be drawn. So it’s easier to be either fully childfree or wedding party only.

We had children at ours because we didn’t care, we have also turned down invites to wedding that weren’t childfree but space limited so not all children.

but there is no (in the admittedly sparse info) indication that the SIL is running this show. Maybe brother doesn't want the nieces involved? maybe he, like many people still do, think that bridal party comes from bride's side and groom party comes from the groom's side?

Personally? i love a huge family wedding with people of all ages whooping it up and having fun. I am not daft enough to think that everyone else likes that.

OP you still have a bit of time to RSVP i guess. Give it a bit of time and then decide what to do. IME a weekend at a wedding without kids is a LOT of fun.