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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Called the police

880 replies

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:41

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

OP posts:
Pleasecanyouadviseme · 02/04/2025 10:47

What did the police say?

Original poster
Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:48

Pleasecanyouadviseme · 02/04/2025 10:47

What did the police say?

Not heard back from them as yet. The woman on the phone said I would be contacted.

OP posts:
Cloudyvibes · 02/04/2025 10:50

Have you told them you don’t want nothing to do with them or just literally shut the door in their face?

rainbowstardrops · 02/04/2025 10:50

I think I’d have responded to the person originally as it was presumably an email or a letter? I wouldn’t feel comfortable with people coming to my door unannounced though.

JandamiHash · 02/04/2025 10:51

That must have been very unnerving but the police won’t do anything because it’s not illegal to knock on someone’s door.

There are Ancestry DNA social media groups that share information, it could be that people have connected some dots and shared your address with each other

MrsCastle · 02/04/2025 10:53

I’ve put Yabu because you are failing to tell them you don’t want to speak to them

Coffeeishot · 02/04/2025 10:53

I know you are upset but why didn't you just say .you are not Interested don't come back? You don't even know where these people live and I don't think the police can do anything without a contact for them, I hope the police contact you though and give you some advice, I have half siblings that I wouldn't want at my door either,so I understand a little bit.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:55

my DB and I are not on any ancestors site. We don’t even have the same names. I was previously contacted a while back by email. ( see previous post).
I said nothing and shut the door. I know it was probably the wrong thing to do but I cant even describe how I felt. Our childhood was awful and I have no wish to speak to any relatives.

OP posts:
hereslooking · 02/04/2025 10:56

theyve not really done anything wrong. What do you expect the police to do to them?
you need to actually speak to these ‘siblings’ and say you don’t want any contact and to leave you alone

WinterMorn · 02/04/2025 10:56

I understand this must be distressing but it really isn’t a police matter.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:57

MrsCastle · 02/04/2025 10:53

I’ve put Yabu because you are failing to tell them you don’t want to speak to them

Your right I should have said I want nothing to do with you

OP posts:
Cloudyvibes · 02/04/2025 10:57

Sadly by shutting the door they are not getting the message and maybe think you are just in shock and will eventually talk to them.

If they are still hanging around you could get your DH to go and explain to them that you want nothing to do with them and that they must not come back again, if they do then it will be reported to the police as harassment as they have been told to leave you alone.

💐

Sassybooklover · 02/04/2025 10:58

I think either you or your husband need to tell these people that your childhood was extremely difficult and you aren't interested. In theory having the door shut in their faces several times, should now tell them to back off. However, if they're desperate for information (I'm guessing they could be potential half-siblings), it's possible they could come back. You need to use words with them. The first question the police may ask is 'have you told them you aren't interested and don't want to be contacted'. At this stage, you've said nothing, other than close the door. I understand that the situation is extremely upsetting, but one way or another either you or your husband has to take control of the situation.

BlondiePortz · 02/04/2025 10:58

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:55

my DB and I are not on any ancestors site. We don’t even have the same names. I was previously contacted a while back by email. ( see previous post).
I said nothing and shut the door. I know it was probably the wrong thing to do but I cant even describe how I felt. Our childhood was awful and I have no wish to speak to any relatives.

So what do you think the police can do.

JandamiHash · 02/04/2025 10:58

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:55

my DB and I are not on any ancestors site. We don’t even have the same names. I was previously contacted a while back by email. ( see previous post).
I said nothing and shut the door. I know it was probably the wrong thing to do but I cant even describe how I felt. Our childhood was awful and I have no wish to speak to any relatives.

You don’t to be on an ancestry site to be tracked down. They probably are related and hoping to meet a sibling but you have every right to not want this, you just need to say so

Original poster
Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 11:00

BlondiePortz · 02/04/2025 10:58

So what do you think the police can do.

Show quote history

I know. I just panicked and call them.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 02/04/2025 11:00

If they come back you might have to say something to them say you are not Interested in any relationship or contact then shut the door, although coming back when you have shut the door in their faces Is quite brazen! But I do think you have to make your feelings verbally known.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 02/04/2025 11:00

As you say, this is not yet a police issue, so why call them?

uncomfortablydumb60 · 02/04/2025 11:01

It’s not a police matter unless they are harassing you constantly.
I would treat them like Jehovahs witnesses and say “ sorry, not interested” and then Shut the door.
They probably keep trying because you haven’t actually said anything.

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 11:02

Did they appear threatening?
They maybe want answers about hejor past /family.
Yabu to have acted so ott.
They probably haven't had a 'normal' childhood either..

Lemonade2011 · 02/04/2025 11:03

Surely not responding to their email and shutting the door in their face tells them you’re not interested & to continue to harass you is somewhat short sighted. Could you reply to the email and state you are not interested in engaging with them and to stop coming to your home. If they continue then you can take things further. I’m convinced I have a sibling out there in my dad’s side and I have no interest as he was an abusive evil man. It brings up so much and as much as perhaps it’s not the siblings fault I’m 46 I don’t want contact, with my dad or his family.

Swiftie1878 · 02/04/2025 11:07

Highfivemum · 02/04/2025 10:57

Your right I should have said I want nothing to do with you

Show quote history

Ring the police back, tell them you over reacted and don’t need them to come out - you’ll try to handle it yourself.
Next time they knock, say you appreciate that reaching out to ‘family’ may be important for them, but you want nothing to do with any extended family and would appreciate it if they respect your wishes and leave you alone.
THEN close the door.

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 11:08

This is nothing to do with the Police but I think you know that.

If they call again either don't answer the door or do so and just say clearly you're not interested in anything they have to say and to please leave you alone.

My Step-Grandfather was an absolute asshole who abandoned several families before getting with my widowed single Mum Grandmother in the 1960s and having 2 children with her. He was abusive to my Gran, my Dad and his other step-child and both of his biological kids with my Gran. He died in 1986.

A few years back she was really distressed to receive a letter from 2 of his previous children making enquiries about him. Presumably they'd looked up old records or been on Ancestry.com and as my Grandmother has lived in the same house for 70 years, they found her.

Their half-siblings by my Gran wanted nothing to do with it so I just wrote to the newly discovered siblings saying yes, he was their Dad but no-one in the family wanted to meet up or give any more information.

I felt for them to be honest, it must be hard to not know your heritage or what happened or if you have more relatives you don't know about but politely making it clear you don't want contact should do the trick.

I'm sorry this has brought up bad memories for you.

Flamingoknees · 02/04/2025 11:10

There's a good chance that they too had traumatic childhoods, and whilst you want to block your's from your mind, they may be desperate for information, or a positive link. This means that they may try again. Could you manage to just kindly explain that you have no wish to be reminded of past trauma, but wish them well (Then shut the door). Ideally, DH could do this, in a kind manner, if you can't.

AthWat · 02/04/2025 11:11

I mean, hopefully not, but maybe they are there to tell you you are in danger from some hereditary medical condition and need to take action. Or that you've inherited the throne of Belgium.

I'd at least ask them to tell me quickly what its about, and if they "just want to get to know you" and you don't want that, then say no thanks.