To consider private school

[HowManyDucks]

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on.

I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does).

Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience.

Some context.
My brother was a maths whizz (getting As in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight As at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense.

Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery.

I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old.
She is 13 months 🤦

After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth).

I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school.

I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions.

Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

Your baby is only 13 months old.

I don’t want to jump the gun, but my DS sounds exactly like your daughter at that age. He was exceptionally gifted at numbers, shapes, letters, vocabulary. He was later diagnosed with autism (formerly Asperger’s) and ADHD. His extreme intelligence was the only sign at that age too…

So she will for example see an 'a' and say 'ah' and point out a 's' and say mama 'sssss'. She does this for approx 20 different letters consistently and does it when I am reading to her.

a lot of this sort of thing is just visual memory, familiaritt & echoing/imitative without real comprehension and its quite common/normal! Lots of babies and toddlers will do these sorts of things. Its also common for a parent to notice it when it appears to be correct but dismiss other sounds a baby makes that aren't correct, so there's a natural sort of confirmation bias.

Op i am sure you have a lovely, bright DC developing well but just enjoy her for what she is in all her dribbley cuddley adorableness, a 13 month old baby. Time enough when she's older to make choices based on her academic leanings, don't wish these years away obsessing over her potential for future genius.

At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future

Yes, do this.

You and your brother are academically gifted. It's clear this isn't a pushy parent thing, but an innate talent. It's likely therefore your daughter is gifted too. You seem lovely and I wish you and her all the best.

She's lucky to have a mum like you

There are some fantastic prep schools out there. There are also some mediocre schools with fancy uniforms....

You need to be really clear in your mind what it is you're looking for. A nurturing, encouraging environment (where very average kids are praised and celebrated) or a more academic setting where she'll be surrounded by other clever children. The best schools manage to tick both boxes, but you need to decide which aspect is the most important, and which is the bonus.

You need to get to some working open days, ie normal teaching days when the school is open for visitors, to get the best flavour of the school.

FWIW my kids did very well academically in a very average primary school, and passed 11+ exams with no extra tutoring (despite being bored at times in class). The main areas they missed out on compared with a private prep were music, Art, DT, competitive sports, science and languages, but they're enjoying those opportunities now at secondary.

This line is always trotted out by people who didn’t/don’t have kids in private. It’s irrelevant if you could afford it (why the need to even say that?). What has this to do with the OP’s question.

Unless anything crazy happens I am planning to move when she is in year 1 or 2 to an area with better state schools, so I'm assuming I would face the same challenge then. It seems like that's going to be something to plan for regardless of whether early years are private or state.

@Sendcoffeeplease thank you for your reply, it's given me lots to think about. I agree that early years is often underestimated. I'm from a military background and a lot of children have thrived despite being moved around a lot. Like you say children are adaptable. I think secondary school is where stability really matters, which is a long way off yet!!

Some private schools have a very diverse intake, including children on full bursaries from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Exactly!!!

People who don’t use private schools, for whatever reason, are too quick to jump in with their preconceived ideas.

Oh myself and my children all had a very good education. Two of us have First Class degrees my oldest child has a PHD . We all went to state schools. My husband has 2 GCSE’s and an excellent job in a position that he has worked very hard to be in. I’m in no way delusional.

Also op - there isn't really anything to do differently with a child who's more capable academically. The same things generally benefit all children developmentally. I think you are looking for people to tell you your child needs something special to maximise their potential...every child does.

If anything its easier with an academically able child, they have a thirst for learning that often means they'll thrive anywhere. I'd say private education delivers a far higher return with modestly able DC who can be coaxed to achieve higher.

Agreed. My brother didn't say a words until he was nearly 3. Of course it's not directly related which is why I was quite careful on how I worded my OP. Dd is advanced now. She may or may not be very bright/gifted, time will tell. However, I want to ensure she is in a setting that is suitable for her during the early years.

Something that @sunshine244 noted is that private schools aren't willing to be as a adaptable with the curriculum. This is very relevant, I thought that at a paying school they would be able to provide more individual level support. Of course there's the time old 'depends on the school' argument, but that is a question that is hard to guage from looking at a shiny prospectus.

@Dideon - your education didn’t cover correct use of reflexive pronouns though!

Ha ha you are correct. I’ve seen my brain drain over the last twenty years.

I still think you are missing my point. I'm not concerned with maximising my DDs potential through private. I'm not saying she is gifted or exceptional. I am concerned because a lot of my family have been high functioning with also many struggles that came hand in hand. It's not about needing something special or doing anything different but instead finding the right setting - the "best fit". I don't have experience with private schools so have little to go by other than a prospectus. All I know is that a state school (specifically my 'requires improvement' state school) was not right for me. Hence why I am being proactive and considering all the options (in a non obsessive way) ahead of time. Before I go to visit the different schools it is helpful for me to ask the question on Mumsnet. Off the back of this thread I have a bunch of questions to pose to the different schools I will be visiting.

It remains to be seen whether DD will be academic or not. But I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case.

Academic achievement and hitting milestones early can often mask difficulties that are not immediately obvious. Im looking for a setting where DD will receive enough individual attention for these things to be flagged. If state schools are struggling to support a variety of SEN needs and behaviour at primary, I am worried that a child hitting all the targets may be overlooked and any support needed may be delayed. This is a valid concern.

I would have thought smaller class sizes, extra teaching staff, a calmer environment and more individual attention would help with these issues being flagged early on. I'm not wishing anything on DD, but am mindful that she hasn't exactly won the genetic lottery in some ways.

@Dideon - that’ll be the children! 😂

In which case use the money differently. Don't pay for 2 years of private primary. Use it for outside clubs and activities and if you get even a tiny whiff of neuro divergence use it for expert assessment and intervention from private provision (outside school). Many state primary schools won't pick up or push for this for children who are doing academically ok. They are educational experts not experts in mental health or developmental disorders. Private schools might be more likely to alert you (many don't) but any assessments (ed psychs etc) you'd have to pay for in addition and often you pay extra for specialist support too.
If you can save/plan to move to an area with good state provision it's your best long term plan. If DD is bright she'll get the building blocks any where at primary age.... Then a decent well regarded secondary school will be fine.

This, exactly.

Private schools are more likely to manage out a child who doesn’t fit the mould or requires extra resources. The most academically successful ones choose the children that will get the best results with the least effort on their part.

You say this thread is nothing to do with your DD’s ability/potential but then if so, why go into her shape recognition etc etc.

If the fact is that the local state schools to you are bad schools, then you’d presumably be considering private for your DD even if she was decidedly below average at this point (and in fact she’d be more likely to benefit from it if that were the case).

My advice would be to have a look at local ASN groups. There's often good ones on Facebook. Certain nurseries/schools will be much better at helping children with autism, and it won't necessarily be the 'best' or more popular ones.

In my area for example there is a top of the league High School that is absolutely appalling for kids with any sort of additional needs. In effect they are pushed out so that the school maintains its place in the league tables.

Small schools and small class sizes can be helpful in terms of sensory needs, but larger schools sometimes have more specific ASN resources/staff/training etc.

This is exactly what happened to us.
We moved and DC1 started Y2 at a new school.
We relocated to a lovely area - the 5 closest schools were all full in his year group. We were allocated the worst school in the borough. He stayed there for just over a year, we were thinking of moving him to private but a space opened up in a fab local primary.

They are grown now but you never quite get back to your former glory !

@Dideon - mine are young and I’m in the thick of it - don’t say that! 😲😂

Be wary of going off what people say in the media. A family member has a child in a school nice area, school catchment is generally middle class and facilities are very good. They’ve had a few instances of other children being really unkind without it being dealt with well by school. The work he is doing seems at a good level. My children go
to a school in a less desirable area but name calling or anything else is called out, high expectations for all and they’ve had some wonderful experiences. Don’t label them ‘bad’ if you really have no idea of what they’re like.

Hi, Op. can I ask what area of London you're in (sorry if I missed this).

@DownWhichOfLate … Before kids I worked for The European Commission. These days I find my purse in the fridge.

This made me laugh 🤣