Friend commented about my timekeeping

[newstome23]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

Maybe next time get there 10 minutes early and honk your horn. Honestly, people shaming you for saying that you are on time for important events but your friend is not important isn't the point... most of us have busy lives and commenting when someone is doing you a favour is entitled and rude. I would be interested to know whether your friend has any redeeming qualities and if you are starting to feel obliged to meet up a few times a month. I would say that is quite a lot, especially when you are doing all the running around.

the OP is choosing to do that, though. Just as she’s choosing not to be on time.

There are 2 issues here @newstome23

Lateness is rude but sometimes cannot be helped. If you want to continue to see this friend you need to get her to understand you need some flex for traffic etc.

Is she usually just sitting at home waiting to be collected? Not hanging about the streets?

The 'time frame' idea is a good one. If you say to her "I'll be with you between 10 and 10.30" and she asks for an actual time push back on it ("I can't give you an exact time as I don't know how busy the roads will be")

The other issue is far bigger though - your friend is an entitled, cheeky fucker.

I'd be reconsidering the whole friendship.

Arguably though, choosing to be a freeloading, entitled CF who expects their friend to drive an extra hour for her, who expects be chauffeured door to door, and never chips in a penny is much worse.

Wtf?

Being on time isn't a magic button, it practically means having a time range to arrive or being very early and waiting in the destination.

The friend refuses a timerange, so the only way to not be a bit late occasionally would be being always early. Which would effectively say that the friends time (not waiting 5-10 minutes at her own home) is more important than OP's time (waiting in her car before the agreed time).
Is the friend's time more important than OP's?
It definitely looks she thinks so, taking into the account all the extra driving time she doesn't even acknowledge.

It seems to me that you've both been inconsiderate in your own ways. She has been inconsiderate in her expectations of a lift and no offer of sharing petrol costs, and you have been inconsiderate by being consistently late. Next time, offer to meet her at the venue, say you can't do pick up or drop off (you don't have to give a reason) and be on time.

Sure - but that’s not what’s under discussion, and if the OP doesn’t like that she doesn’t have to do it or be friends with this woman. She really does have agency.

The two issues are being muddled here, but both can be resolved by the OP.

Just as the friend is choosing to be an entitled CF, expecting OP to go out of her way to provide a door to door service, without even a petrol contribution.

100% this

So why does the OP put up with that? She’s the one being imposed upon if that’s how she wants to see it, so just put an end to it!

But if you offer to give someone lifts with no expectation of reciprocation or financial reimbursement, and you say you’ll be there at X time, and you’re perfectly capable of good timekeeping when you want to - then turn up on time and don’t use the arrangement that you’ve agreed to as an excuse not to.

It is exactly what’s under discussion: friend calls OP out on her timekeeping, whilst simultaneously expecting to be driven everywhere for free and directly from home; which costs OP an extra hour of time and lots of fuel money.

I disagree - the timekeeping is a separate issue. Presumably if the friend did reciprocate the OP’s timekeeping would still be rubbish.

However, we’re clearly not going to agree on this so let’s just leave it at that.

YBU / annoying for being late
She is BU / annoying for taking you for granted and expecting a lift all the time.

Are you feeling resentful about the lifts, or at least her lack of acknowledgement of them and being later as a passive aggressive reaction?

She had the directness to talk about your timekeeping - you can also be direct about lifts. If she suggests a day out a distance away just say 'Great - can you chip in for the petrol? It costs me xx per mile to run a car and it would be good to share that sometimes'.

On so many occasions when meeting the same person. Bloody unlikely

As a reformed late person, the lesson I had to learn first was to stop overcommitting myself. The real reason I was late was because I was trying to fit too many - usually unrealistic - things in, in an attempt to please too many people. And here we have an OP who admits she is often late, and is driving across town to make a friend’s life easier.

OP, the lesson I had to learn was to value my own time. Then I stopped wasting other people’s.

You both need to be more considerate of your friends. Or you won't stay friends. I hate consistent lateness. Its super rude. But the expectation of a lift every time, with no offer of fuel money (or even a simple -" I'll get the coffees as you gave me a lift" etc) is also very rude. Please mention this to your friend sooner rather than later.

The friend is a CF.

If she doesn't like OP's timekeeping she should not expect a free taxi service.

"I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event."

@newstome23 that says you don't view your coffee with your friend as an important time.

I don’t think that just because you are doing someone a favour, you can behave however you want. It’s rude to be late. You agreed to pick her up, so be on time.

Of course, you would be totally reasonable not to pick her up so much and what she’s actually done is handed you a reason to get yourself out of it.

People are giving you a hard time for no reason OP, ignore them.

I agree. OP said 10 to 15 minutes, she's not leaving her friend waiting for hours. She's at home too not stranded outside.

If I was being given regular lifts I'd be grateful. I can't believe some of the comments.

A bit dramatic.

But also spot on

a coffee with a friend is “important” to me. My friend has set aside time, travelled to, intends to spend money, travel onwards. To spend time with me.

I value them. I value their time.

Your tutor (and you) are lucky to have the sort of time to spare that sitting doing a puzzle because you’ve turned up too early is something you can routinely do.

I dropped my daughter at school, will be picking her up, have to drop her to an informal study group, pick her up, take her to an appointment we both have later. That’s an hour and 15 minutes worth of sitting in my car doing puzzles. I don’t have that time to spare in a day. Her school is 5 minutes away, I’m not going to leave 20 minutes before I need to get there.

Being late for informal stuff is only a problem because some people have decided it is. The rest of us know life is too short to worry about a friend being a few minutes late. After all, if you’re waiting for someone and they are late, just do some sudoku to pass the time.

If the poor timekeeping person being late describes it as being “It’s normally 10-15 mins”, I think safe to assume more like 30 mins