Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend commented about my timekeeping

321 replies

newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:15

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
unlikelywitch · 02/04/2025 09:31

Waiting for an extra 10-15 minutes in your own home to be lifted and laid isn’t an imposition, imo. Your friends got a cheek. Arrange to meet her at the location from now on.

LateHouse · 02/04/2025 09:37

I don't understand why most people think it's rude or meaning your time is more valuable when you aren't making her late for anything.. You might turn up 10 minutes later than you said but you're not LATE for anything if you're just going for coffee and a social imo. Not like you've left her outside waiting for you either.

If she asked you for a lift to a Dr appointment or a job interview and you arrived late thus making her late then I'd agree.

Explain that it doesn't matter if you're a few mins late as you didn't have to reserve a table at the coffee shop. Offer to meet her somewhere instead if that's easier for her, I'm sure she'll soon change her tune. You sound like a good friend going out far of your way to get her.

Ddakji · 02/04/2025 09:43

LateHouse · 02/04/2025 09:37

I don't understand why most people think it's rude or meaning your time is more valuable when you aren't making her late for anything.. You might turn up 10 minutes later than you said but you're not LATE for anything if you're just going for coffee and a social imo. Not like you've left her outside waiting for you either.

If she asked you for a lift to a Dr appointment or a job interview and you arrived late thus making her late then I'd agree.

Explain that it doesn't matter if you're a few mins late as you didn't have to reserve a table at the coffee shop. Offer to meet her somewhere instead if that's easier for her, I'm sure she'll soon change her tune. You sound like a good friend going out far of your way to get her.

No, it’s not making her late, but when I’ve arranged with someone to pick me up at 9, I make sure I’m ready in good time, I don’t just carry on with my day, wait for then to arrive and then kept them waiting while I get ready. So she’s potentially sat around with her coat and shoes on, ready to leave.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 02/04/2025 09:43

I don't think ten or fifteen minutes matters unless you are late for something starting at a specific time. But really if the journey is regularly taking you ten minutes longer than you expected then just set off ten minutes earlier 🤷‍♀️

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 02/04/2025 09:47

Ddakji · 02/04/2025 09:43

No, it’s not making her late, but when I’ve arranged with someone to pick me up at 9, I make sure I’m ready in good time, I don’t just carry on with my day, wait for then to arrive and then kept them waiting while I get ready. So she’s potentially sat around with her coat and shoes on, ready to leave.

Show quote history

But is it always you being picked up and them doing the picking up? Does it already take them an extra hour of their time to pick you up? Do you pay them anything for their petrol?

Yes, you're ready to go, but that doesn't mean it's a huge pain to sit in your own home for a few extra minutes until they arrive. You could always do a sudoku in the meantime, as suggested by a PP!

Pigeon31 · 02/04/2025 09:49

Was the comment just gentle ribbing because you tend to be late for everything, or was it more pointed than that? I have friends who are just always late and they're still friends but it is also a character trait that will be mocked by everyone who knows you (although not always to your face).

Also like others have said, you don't HAVE to do the lifts if you don't want. Presumably if you are meeting this friend a few times a month you like their company?

Brefugee · 02/04/2025 09:50

Zippidydoodah · 01/04/2025 21:53

Where is this quote from? I’m so confused.

Show quote history

don't be confused, it's an example of the kind of thing OP might have said? [EDIT: seems i had a c/p fail. Thanks to the PP who pointed it out!]

I am struggling to work out why OP thinks her friend isn't one of the important things to be on time for, and if she has ever let her friend know that she is ok for important things?

Bottom line: there are 2 issues.

  1. Timing: be on time. If you can't be on time give a time range, and keep within that. If friend doesn't like a time range, she can get public transport
  2. costs: if you have never ever discussed costs, now is the time to say that contributions for petrol should be part of this arrangement. IMO friend is a dick never to have offered tho
IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 02/04/2025 09:58

I do think that there are a lot of people - probably 'main character syndrome' as a PP said - who don't seem to have any realisation or appreciation what other people need to do to enable them to have what they want/need.

It brings to mind the people who, when the roads are all deeply snowed up and it's extremely difficult to drive, will merrily ring for a taxi and genuinely believe that a taxi driver will have a magic car that somehow doesn't get affected by the same forces as every other car!

In the old days of printed phone books, I called BT after we moved in and asked for us to be in the phone directory. The woman I spoke to stressed that we wouldn't be included until the next edition of the phone directory that was printed and issued. I laughed and asked if that wasn't somewhat obvious; she sighed and told me of the large number of people who called them to be included in the phone book then called straight back five minutes later after checking the printed phone book that they already had to complain that it still hadn't been done yet!!

TallulahBetty · 02/04/2025 09:58

Don't give her lifts then - it is rude for her to expect them, AND never offer money.

However, being perpetually late is also rude, doing her a favour or not.

TallulahBetty · 02/04/2025 09:59

Pigeon31 · 02/04/2025 09:49

Was the comment just gentle ribbing because you tend to be late for everything, or was it more pointed than that? I have friends who are just always late and they're still friends but it is also a character trait that will be mocked by everyone who knows you (although not always to your face).

Also like others have said, you don't HAVE to do the lifts if you don't want. Presumably if you are meeting this friend a few times a month you like their company?

Edited

It's not a character trait to be always late. It's a flaw and very rude.

Ddakji · 02/04/2025 10:04

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 02/04/2025 09:47

But is it always you being picked up and them doing the picking up? Does it already take them an extra hour of their time to pick you up? Do you pay them anything for their petrol?

Yes, you're ready to go, but that doesn't mean it's a huge pain to sit in your own home for a few extra minutes until they arrive. You could always do a sudoku in the meantime, as suggested by a PP!

Show quote history

But if that’s what the OP has offered, then isn’t it good that her friend is always on time, ready to go? It’s not a tit for tat.

Bottom line is, good timekeeping matters to some people, others don’t care. It’s never a happy marriage.

RiversofOtter5 · 02/04/2025 10:04

I can understand being late for the friend as an expression of anxiety you can't voice about how she makes no effort to meet you halfway and whether she will ever take public transport or pay petrol (or learn to drive/get a car) or treat you in some way as a thank you. Basically you don't want the situation you're in to be happening in the way it's happening, maybe? So you wouldn't be late on purpose but there's be a sense of suppressed fluster and burden? Unlike when you have a meeting everyone honours or travel booked on transparent terms and you can just head out like an arrow.

M103 · 02/04/2025 10:04

I personally think your friend is very cheeky and rude. You always pick her up and she doesn't cover the cost - this is a big favour on your part and she should just suck it up if you are 10 mins late. This is very different from if you were meeting her somewhere outside and she was making her own way. To always be on time when a 30min drive with potential traffic is included, you need to plan to arrive early. This means that you may potentially arrive early and need to wait for your friend. No way I would risk this if I was already using half an hour of my time to pick my friend up because they cannot be bothered to use public transport.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 02/04/2025 10:06

Spirallingdownwards · 01/04/2025 21:18

You are signalling to her that you believe that your time is more important than hers. Give her a lift or don't give her a lift but be on time for people if you set times. It's rude unless there is a genuine reason in which case let them know you will be late. If it is a case of picking her up then say you will be there between a range of times instead of a specific time.

And her friend is signalling to her that she expects a punctual - and free - taxi service everywhere they go. If OP is kind enough to ferry her around she shouldn’t be moaning about a few minutes here and there.

Strictlymad · 02/04/2025 10:06

Being on time when you want to be on time and not when you cba shows you don’t appreciate someone else’s time

yeesh · 02/04/2025 10:06

I would just tell her to make her own way there so you won’t be late

MarkWithaC · 02/04/2025 10:09

I hate people being late; it's the height of arrogance and rudeness as far as I'm concerned.

However, in this case she's being really cheeky expecting to be picked up all the time. Have you tried saying to her, 'why don't we meet at the café and then if I'm delayed you can at least get a coffee and sit down'?

RiversofOtter5 · 02/04/2025 10:10

Maybe friend could issue OP with a chauffeur uniform and it could become a whole role play thing.

The entitlement is dreadful!

whatapalarva · 02/04/2025 10:12

If one of my friends said that to me I would instantly reply "cheeky moo, what do you think I am Uber?! Actually next time, why don't you get your DH to drop you at mine and we can stay local to me?" no pussy footing around people anymore for me! like it or lump it.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 02/04/2025 10:14

Strictlymad · 02/04/2025 10:06

Being on time when you want to be on time and not when you cba shows you don’t appreciate someone else’s time

How about the friend appreciating OP taking the time to pick her up and drop her off every time ? If she doesn’t like waiting a bit then she can make her own way. OP may not be punctual but I think we’re only talking minutes, not hours. I think it’s incredibly rude to expect lifts, not even offer a fuel contribution and then complain when OP is a bit late.

Jellyfishcoolimg · 02/04/2025 10:18

Don't give her lifts anymore.

But it's rude and demeaning to the other person to constantly be late.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/04/2025 10:21

HoskinsChoice · 01/04/2025 21:32

You said you're always on time for an 'important event' which suggests you think your friend is not important. It's incredibly rude. The having to give her lifts is irrelevant and pure whataboutery.

I picked up on this too. OP You are capable of being on time for the things that you consider important. Surely you can apply the same processes to ensure you are not late for your friend. Leave a little bit earlier to account for traffic etc and if you have to sit and wait for 10 minutes that’s better than being late.

The lift giving is a separate issue. If you feel you’re being taken advantage of then you need to find a workable solution.

MakeYourOwnMusicStartYourOwnDance · 02/04/2025 10:22

newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:15

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event

In other words, you can get to things on time, you just can't be arsed if you deem it not important enough.
If you don't like your friend, or have issues with her, speak to her instead of making excuses

snowmichael · 02/04/2025 10:24

newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:15

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

> I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event
You realise you've just admitted that
a) it's your choice to be late for a friend
and
b) you don't consider a friend important
She would be well to be rid of you

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 02/04/2025 10:26

snowmichael · 02/04/2025 10:24

> I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event
You realise you've just admitted that
a) it's your choice to be late for a friend
and
b) you don't consider a friend important
She would be well to be rid of you

Show quote history

Wow. OP is providing what is essentially a free taxi service everywhere they go and you think her friend would be well rid of her !!