Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend commented about my timekeeping

321 replies

newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:15

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
knor · 03/04/2025 18:48

While the always giving lifts thing sounds annoying and I understand why you mentioned it as of course it’s annoying for her to tick you off about lateness when you always give her lifts, the always being late is very rude! Especially when you admitted you can be on time for work. As someone said, it seems like you’re saying work/important events are much more important to you than friends. I would deal with the lifts thing (speak to her about it) I’d also try to never be late and leave in extra time. Then when situations like the bin men happen, it’s a one off and a genuine excuse! I was once waiting for a friend for 30 mins in a restaurant (no message from them to say running late) so I just left and went home

asrl78 · 03/04/2025 18:53

fiveIsNewOne · 02/04/2025 16:04

I can’t abide lateness for me it sends the message that you think your time is more valuable than other people’s and everyone should be expected to wait for you

That's such a selfish cliche.

When a friend is meeting you at your HOME, the friend is already spending their time on getting to you.
Do you really value their time so little that you expect the friend to start extra early and wait around the corner to be ready to knock exactly at the top of the hour, just to reduce the risk you will have to wait ten minutes of your precious time in the convenience of your own home?

The selfishness is not being bothered to plan the journey properly in order to be on time because the inconvenience is conveniently externalised onto someone else.

If I am picking someone up by car I would set off at a time that enables me to get there at the time I said in all but the worst delays. That is how I operate, I aim to be reliable and punctual. I have to get to work on time so don't see this as any different. If you are catching a train or a flight you have to put some padding in your journey to the station/airport to buffer against the more common delays. The issue about having to use your time to pick someone up because they don't drive and whether that is being taken advantage of is a completely seperate issue and a completely seperate discussion.

Horses7 · 03/04/2025 19:21

What a CF - you sound like a good friend. Think I’d find another friend if I were you.

Mrsgreen100 · 03/04/2025 19:33

Driving your friend is a separate issue , for you to put your boundaries in place.
however , constantly being late is crap ,
It says your time is more important than anyone else’s , its bad manners and entitled to constantly be late .
i had a friend who did the late thing for years and years , I finally woke up she’s not my friend anymore.
sounds as if you and your friend are a perfect match, neither of you have respect for each other.

aloris · 03/04/2025 19:54

I don't think the issue of you being on time and you taxiing your friend around, are separate issues, I think they are connected enough that they are the same issue. When you are "on time" to the doctor's office, you bear the burden of arriving on time. This doesn't mean you are magically able to predict with 100% certainty how long your trip will take. Rather, it means that you plan in a window of uncertainty of extra time that YOU will spend to ensure the doctor's time is not wasted. For example, if your trip to the doctor's office is about 30 minutes long, you might plan to leave your house 40 minutes ahead of the appointment in case you run into traffic. If there is no traffic, then you have "wasted" 10 minutes, but it's 10 minutes of your own time. It's 10 minutes you will likely spend sitting in a chair in the doctor's office doing nothing productive.

Note that the doctor is not expected to do the same for you. Often, one might arrive at the doctor's office and spend yet a further 20 to 30 minutes waiting, because the doctor's prior patient needed more time than expected. Again, being "on time" doesn't mean that time is never wasted. It means that the person who is asked to be "on time" is the one who is expected to waste their own time so the OTHER person does not have to waste time. The issue of being "on time" essentially includes a value judgement about whose time is more valuable.

People who expect you to be "on time" to pick up your friend, are not just expecting you to be organized. Rather, they expect you to treat her like the doctor: i.e. like her time is more valuable than your time. They expect you to not only drive the 30 minutes to pick her up, but ALSO to plan in extra time in case there is traffic. They expect you to waste your time, but exempt her from the same expectation.

You said that you wanted to give your friend a window in which you could arrive. This would actually be logical because it would make the wastage of time symmetrical and therefore FAIR. If you agreed to pick her up "between 6 pm and 6:15 pm" then you would leave your house at say 5:30 pm, and it would take you between 30 to 45 minutes to get to her house. You might waste the extra 15 minutes on traffic (well I would say you wasted 45 minutes because you shouldn't be doing all the traveling, but we're ignoring that), and she would ALSO waste 15 minutes because she would be ready by 6 pm but might have to wait around for you until 6:15 pm. So a pickup "window" would make you and her EQUAL in the wastage of time. But you said she "prefers" a specific pickup time and gets upset if you are "late." In other words, she wants to be ready by 6 pm and picked up at 6 pm, so that SHE doesn't have to waste time. For that to happen, YOU would have to leave your house at 5:15 pm to ensure traffic didn't make you late. Presumably, if you arrived early, you'd have to "waste time" by sitting outside her house scrolling your phone until 6 pm. She expects you to waste time so that she does not have to waste time.

In other words, your friend expecting you to do all the driving (i.e. you are already wasting an extra hour compared to her), AND expecting to be picked up at a certain time (rather than a window of time) are BOTH symptoms of the fact that she is treating herself (and her time) as more important than you and your time.

NotVeryFunny · 03/04/2025 20:00

I think you need to get a new friend. Rather than one who expects everything but is completely inflexible. She wants lifts, but wants an exact time which you can’t always make. She also won’t be flexible on time. 10/15 minutes when meeting a friend is nothing, as long as you keep them informed. A social occasion isn’t work. If it were me, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid or even consider this late unless we had to be somewhere by a set time (eg theatre, meal booking etc. Also if she doesn’t like the timing of her free lift, from someone going out of their way, she can make her own way there.

Beautifulweeds · 03/04/2025 20:06

Just give an estimated time, like between 2pm and 2.30 pm?

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 20:20

Beautifulweeds · 03/04/2025 20:06

Just give an estimated time, like between 2pm and 2.30 pm?

If a poor time keeper then it would be 2.40/45

littlemisspigg · 03/04/2025 20:49

Zippidydoodah · 01/04/2025 21:53

Where is this quote from? I’m so confused.

Show quote history

Yes me too!! I read the OP thrice to see which bit I'd missed lol

littlemisspigg · 03/04/2025 20:51

newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:15

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

You're way more invested in this relationship than she is....why?

Ask to meet halfway, or meet at yours on alternate occasions.

Otherwise tell her you can't afford the fuel costs anymore. Off she goes.

Mackerelfillets · 03/04/2025 21:00

I have a friend who is ALWAYS late. Whether I'm driving or not. If she's collecting me I have to add on 10 or 15 mins to the time she's supposed to get me, and then we are both late. One time I was making dinner and she was 35 mins late saying she had been to have a wax! Part of the dinner was ruined. It's so annoying. If you are collecting her be on time or tell her to make her own way there.

Dogsbreath7 · 03/04/2025 21:06

If you were meeting her at a cafe or on the corner of the street I would say’s it’s rude. Pick up from home without a thing to get to 10-15 mins is an ok range. Next time tell her when you have left home on your way and make it clear it is a range.

Or next time say you are busy and can you meet at the venue or wherever you are going because you don’t have time to pick her up.

Other people have said you are rude and don’t value her time. Clearly she doesn’t value you yours by having you running around picking her up. Different if it is en route but fuel is expensive now.

Dont agree to her suggested day trips. Propose you go by train.

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 21:08

OctoberandApril · 03/04/2025 08:51

SD is winning in the rest of her life. Beautiful with a really good job so me and her Dad don't mind a few minutes lateness.

It was more @Gogogo12345 post that amused me.

Show quote history

Why? All 3 of them are very particular about getting places on time They will all allow extra time and wait if necessary. What's amusing about that?

OctoberandApril · 03/04/2025 21:23

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 21:08

Why? All 3 of them are very particular about getting places on time They will all allow extra time and wait if necessary. What's amusing about that?

Show quote history

It was bragging like your children were better. My SD is stunning, like a model. She is just late sometimes. She is particular about many things. If posting that made you feel superior. Good for you.

Jumpers4goalposts · 03/04/2025 21:23

She probably asks to be picked up because she doesn’t trust that you’d be there when you say you will and she would be left alone.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/04/2025 21:27

You're conflating two separate issues.

You should be on time. She shouldn't rely on you for lifts all the time.

However, I suspect that if she started catching buses to meet you, she'd end up hanging around outside for 15 minutes waiting for you to turn up, rather than waiting inside her own house waiting for you to pick her up, which would be very annoying.

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 21:27

Gogogo12345 · 03/04/2025 21:08

Why? All 3 of them are very particular about getting places on time They will all allow extra time and wait if necessary. What's amusing about that?

Show quote history

I didn’t get that it was bragging in this slightest

fiveIsNewOne · 03/04/2025 21:46

aloris · 03/04/2025 19:54

I don't think the issue of you being on time and you taxiing your friend around, are separate issues, I think they are connected enough that they are the same issue. When you are "on time" to the doctor's office, you bear the burden of arriving on time. This doesn't mean you are magically able to predict with 100% certainty how long your trip will take. Rather, it means that you plan in a window of uncertainty of extra time that YOU will spend to ensure the doctor's time is not wasted. For example, if your trip to the doctor's office is about 30 minutes long, you might plan to leave your house 40 minutes ahead of the appointment in case you run into traffic. If there is no traffic, then you have "wasted" 10 minutes, but it's 10 minutes of your own time. It's 10 minutes you will likely spend sitting in a chair in the doctor's office doing nothing productive.

Note that the doctor is not expected to do the same for you. Often, one might arrive at the doctor's office and spend yet a further 20 to 30 minutes waiting, because the doctor's prior patient needed more time than expected. Again, being "on time" doesn't mean that time is never wasted. It means that the person who is asked to be "on time" is the one who is expected to waste their own time so the OTHER person does not have to waste time. The issue of being "on time" essentially includes a value judgement about whose time is more valuable.

People who expect you to be "on time" to pick up your friend, are not just expecting you to be organized. Rather, they expect you to treat her like the doctor: i.e. like her time is more valuable than your time. They expect you to not only drive the 30 minutes to pick her up, but ALSO to plan in extra time in case there is traffic. They expect you to waste your time, but exempt her from the same expectation.

You said that you wanted to give your friend a window in which you could arrive. This would actually be logical because it would make the wastage of time symmetrical and therefore FAIR. If you agreed to pick her up "between 6 pm and 6:15 pm" then you would leave your house at say 5:30 pm, and it would take you between 30 to 45 minutes to get to her house. You might waste the extra 15 minutes on traffic (well I would say you wasted 45 minutes because you shouldn't be doing all the traveling, but we're ignoring that), and she would ALSO waste 15 minutes because she would be ready by 6 pm but might have to wait around for you until 6:15 pm. So a pickup "window" would make you and her EQUAL in the wastage of time. But you said she "prefers" a specific pickup time and gets upset if you are "late." In other words, she wants to be ready by 6 pm and picked up at 6 pm, so that SHE doesn't have to waste time. For that to happen, YOU would have to leave your house at 5:15 pm to ensure traffic didn't make you late. Presumably, if you arrived early, you'd have to "waste time" by sitting outside her house scrolling your phone until 6 pm. She expects you to waste time so that she does not have to waste time.

In other words, your friend expecting you to do all the driving (i.e. you are already wasting an extra hour compared to her), AND expecting to be picked up at a certain time (rather than a window of time) are BOTH symptoms of the fact that she is treating herself (and her time) as more important than you and your time.

Edited

This.
Being on time means actively planning to waste time.

If someone is visiting/picking up a friend at home (when going somewhere without a specific start time) it is very selfish from the one at home to expect the friend to not only spend the time on the way, but also bear the whole uncertainty.

Nomunchmounjo · 04/04/2025 01:47

I don't agree with the, 'you're saying my time's not important' line. People can be late for many reasons, not because they specifically think the person they are meeting is not worth their time. OP sent a message to advise of the delay and apologised, how is that not acknowledging someone else's importance to you?

In OPs case the friend could be accused of not valuing her time (or expenses) by expecting OP to go out of her way to collect and drop her off every time they meet. It's really quite arsey to comment on a 10 to 15 minute wait in the comfort of your own home under those circumstances imo.

Tell your friend you'll meet her there in future and let her see how that works out for her.

Bloompetal · 04/04/2025 07:00

Nomunchmounjo · 04/04/2025 01:47

I don't agree with the, 'you're saying my time's not important' line. People can be late for many reasons, not because they specifically think the person they are meeting is not worth their time. OP sent a message to advise of the delay and apologised, how is that not acknowledging someone else's importance to you?

In OPs case the friend could be accused of not valuing her time (or expenses) by expecting OP to go out of her way to collect and drop her off every time they meet. It's really quite arsey to comment on a 10 to 15 minute wait in the comfort of your own home under those circumstances imo.

Tell your friend you'll meet her there in future and let her see how that works out for her.

@Nomunchmounjo we were talking about someone repeatedly late for you and you’re left hanging.

surely you agree that this would indicate the person doesn’t view your time as valuable.

that exchange btw wasn’t about the OP’s situation? It was the broader one of someone poor with timekeeping and repeatedly late and that would indicate disrespect

laraitopbanana · 04/04/2025 07:32

She complained you were late!😩

Did you ask why she told you that? I mean I agree she was out of line but instead of being offended you could have tried to understand her side. That is what good friends do. She maybe just feel very stress when “waiting alone” or whatever fear she has. Maybe she felt it was passive agressivity on your part coz you have to pick her up.

I am astonished you have maintained that friendship for so long. Seems you are only both more interested into going places than spending time together. Also…sending a text to say you are …min late is common courtesy if you pick up someone.

OctoberandApril · 04/04/2025 08:43

Bloompetal · 03/04/2025 21:27

I didn’t get that it was bragging in this slightest

Show quote history

It didn't have anything to do with the OP.

Bloompetal · 04/04/2025 08:45

OctoberandApril · 04/04/2025 08:43

It didn't have anything to do with the OP.

Show quote history

lots of posts aren’t directly relevant to the OP, just chewing the fat

Bloompetal · 04/04/2025 08:45

OctoberandApril · 04/04/2025 08:43

It didn't have anything to do with the OP.

Show quote history

SD is winning in the rest of her life. Beautiful with a really good job so me and her Dad don't mind a few minutes lateness.

and that did?

OctoberandApril · 04/04/2025 08:56

Bloompetal · 04/04/2025 08:45

SD is winning in the rest of her life. Beautiful with a really good job so me and her Dad don't mind a few minutes lateness.

and that did?

Show quote history

I was just pointing out she wasn't a total loser. I can't be bothered to argue with the likes of you and other uptight posters.

If the OP's friend doesn't like OP turning up a little off schedule she needs to get on a bus or find a different coffee buddy.

She's a CF.