I don’t want her in my house

[Doornon]

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

Read back a bit further and see what I was originally responding to.

I did, she doesn’t mention court until
you did. You’re just being vague because you know she didn’t bring up court, you did.

While your kids might be excited to show her, you need to diffuse that excitement from the get-go and tell the kids that they will be happier/prouder of their rooms when they are properly set up so they can show off X, Y or Z to this person and you're not allowing them to show the rooms off before that. You are their mother and you get to make this decision.

Kids get excited (think Christmas Day after Santa has visited) and parents have to manage that excitement. You need to talk with your kids first and if you don't want this woman crossing your threshold, even if the kids are excited following the move, then she doesn't get to go in.

Just my tuppence worth.

I did bring up court but it was in context of responding to people saying I should facilitate access to our house to show her the children’s sleeping area and that she had some kind of entitlement to see it to be reassured. You don’t, and even a court wouldn’t agree to it but if you have very grave concerns about your children’s living environment then seek legal advice

She’s not their mother. That’s kind of the point.

She did mention court. The poster you are arguing with quoted her. It’s a big overreaction to be thinking about it at all in my view.

It’s not about legal entitlement but the children being excited. Keep your bedroom door closed. Tell the children not to open it. Send their dad with them to be sure they don’t get over excited and do it anyway. It’ll be over in 10 mins, no drama. She probably isn’t that interested.

@Doornon , apologies if this has already been suggested but can’t your DH drop the kids to their mother this week and if necessary collect them too? He could just message her that you’re very busy getting sorted so aren’t having anyone over for now and would be convenient if he could drop and collect them this week.

You’ll probably get loads done when they are away and have the house looking much better by the time they get back or at least in a week or two.

Moving is a nightmare. Breathe and this shall pass.

I would talk to the kids and say shall we show your mum round once everything is set up? If they are desperate to show her I would suck it up and tell her at the doorstep that it looks like a disaster zone but the kids wanted to show you.

I think when you first move particularly with limited time people expect things to be piled up and beds and furniture not yet built.

Really? My husband’s ex and her new partner came to our wedding!

I’d fully read the thread.

HAHA! This 👌🏼

Let her in but within limits : "I understand the children want you to see their new house, but for now it will only be (f.i.) their room and the kitchen. When you come next time you'll get the full tour ánd coffee. I do hope you understand."

My husband's ex wanted to but I soon knocked that idea on the head!

This end of

OP you are not being unreasonable, if the children say anything to their mother l would say not now, we have just moved your mum can have a look in a few weeks when we had a chance to get straight. If she hangs around just say sorry we have such a lot to do, can you excuse us and tell the children to say goodbye to their mother. You don't owe her anything and you can just be polite nothing else.

Locks on your and your childrens bedroom doors and explain to your children and DH that those rooms are out of bounds to anyone else until sorted which he needs to explain to his children and ex.

Of course a mother has no right to inspect their ex’s home!

Imagine if this was the other way round - would users clamouring for this think it’s fine for a man to expect access to his ex’s property? Not everyone has that kind of co-parenting relationship. Some exes are toxic or difficult. Some new partners have different boundaries and wishes for privacy. And the children won’t suffer because one parent has not been in their bedroom in the other parent’s home.

OP, you say she stays longer than expected and lacks social awareness so it would be easier if you just explained to the SDs that the house isn’t open for viewing.

And ideally just drop them back, rather than having them collected.

YANBU @Doornon Hope you settle in smoothly 💐

Apologies OP, I posted on the wrong thread, have asked for it to be deleted.

I moved 5 weeks ago. I still have this "just moved in" look. As well as having a just bought furniture in boxes. No way any one is coming in except the rescue squad.

OP it’s obviously stressing you out ..
Moving is so stressful as it is ..
just explain to your husband & the kids , you’d rather she see around next time 🤷🏻‍♀️🙂

She might discourage it - when my ex and his new wife bought a new house I said to the kids it would be better to wait until their room and the house was sorted as I’d love to see it when it was all unpacked. They gave me a tour after about 4-6 weeks, rather than on day 2 like they wanted. And you’re right - the kids wanted to show me everywhere! I had to decline the offer from them to see the master bedroom…

I think you should let your step children show their mum their bedroom. I understand that you don’t want her to see your bedroom but she should be able to see where her children are sleeping. And if it a mess, it’s a mess - so what because in a few weeks from now it won’t be a mess and she can see all the hard work has gone into making it look good.

Why? I was just surprised that you couldn’t envisage a group of adults having an amicable relationship, even if that’s not been your experience.

Can't you lock the rooms you don't want her to see?