I don’t want her in my house

[Doornon]

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

Making the decisions that are right for you is more important .

I wouldn’t let my DP’s ex have a tour around my house, half unpacked or not. I have quite enough things I have to suck up and compromise on and sacrifice as a SM, and DP’s ex already indirectly commandeers enough of my life. I would draw the line at this. She doesn’t need to see it. I’ve never had a tour of XH’s house and if my DC asked I’d make an excuse.

My husband's ex tried to gatecrash our honeymoon, I kid you not.

Oh dear! What was she thinking?!

I would ask her to wait. I don't want someone seeing my lovely new house in a mess. I want to show it off at its best.

@Spirallingdownwards Lord knows. We didn't bump into her and her boyfriend once, as it happens.

She booked herself into the 5 star sister hotel of our 4 star - they shared facilities. However, we visited the 5 star only once and decided that we didn't particularly like it.

She had told everyone that she was going on holiday to get away from the wedding. She arrived in the resort 3 days before us, I believe.

Weird woman. Had her fling and then 2 yrs after DH had been living in his own place and was all settled, offered him the opportunity to "come home". (By then, the old family home was in her name.) I don't know whether she ever told her boyfriend.

The whole place is a tip who cares honestly I’d just suck it up for the kids it’s massively beneficial for them to see everyone getting along and then not having to watch what they say

just say your welcome to look but it’s carnage

Her child doesn’t sleep at the ex’s house. Her child isn’t excited to show her the new bedroom. It’s not about the ex. It’s about the children.

Could you just close the doors to your kids' room(s) and your own bedroom, making it clear that they are not to be part of the "tour"? I'm sure if you hovered on the landing you could stop them entering by saying something like "No need to see our room, just show your Mum your room."

See this as the before and look forward to showing her the after, the lovely hole you have created for her children x

She doesn’t. OP thinks her kids will want to show their mum their bedrooms. There’s no suggestion she even wants to do that.

YANBU OP

In a way I think it’s better she comes in now rather than when you’re all straight,( I take it she wouldn’t have occasion to come in a second time? ) It’s not so intimate somehow. Certainly no need for her to be seeing your room whatever state it’s in
DH’d ex used to nose in the window at our house while we were doing it up and bought almost an identical wallpaper for her sitting room.

This but...

Explain to children that one or two rooms are strictly off limits - particularly your bedroom.

Or put chests of drawers across rooms you want off limits - 'you've just caught me moving things round'

Why not just tell her? A nice note saying how difficult the move was, how stressful and how upside down you are just now and you're not feeling confident about having guests just yet?

And ask if she'd be ok to give you time to get sorted and civilised ready to welcome visitors? She might well understand (even offer some help).

I'd tell her when she can pop round not let the kids do that. Wtf.

Why was it carnage? Were there bloody bodies on the floor? You sound awfully melodramatic! (Carnage does not mean the same thing as chaos.)

Mumsnet is hilarious sometimes!

Of course you don’t let her in to nose around your house.

Nobody, including the OP, is suggesting any ‘nosing’ will happen. Her children are excited to show their new rooms. It’s totally normal to let them. It would also be ok to say no, but it seems rather mean and unnecessary.

these are her children and is it not ok for her to see where they are living when they’re not with her? Is she a bad person with an agenda? Is there a chance she won’t feel entirely comfortable either but perhaps keen to make her kids happy if they want to show their mum their new rooms?
I find it odd that you’re so put out by it actually.

You're surprised at how many people who co-parent manage to behave like reasonable adults and be amicable? Spend time together so that their children can be with both parents at the same time? How sad.

When my parents divorced when my Dad picked me up he never even came inside any of the houses/ flats we lived in, it would have fuelled arguments for sure- he had a lot of opinions about how we lived our lives and resented the fact he was partly funding it- not letting him in was absolutely the right decision.
Taking on your partner's kids is a lot, being expected to host his ex is too much, what's wrong with them just showing her a few pics they take on their phones? Why are you so convinced they will want to show her around?- I think you may be mistaken, even if you are not you are well within your rights not to allow it, I would definitely prevent it , are you, 100% sure your partner will be supportive? You don't mention his part in all this.

😂

It feels so invasive and so private to me

You’re overthinking this.

If your step kids want to show their mum then surely that’s ok? She’s not a complete stranger.

If she’s a reasonable person then won’t she understand house moves are usually carnage and unorganised/boxes everywhere for the first few weeks?

You should consider it from the children’s perspective, and what is best for them and collectively your blended family.
She’s not going to be scrutinising it is she, just a quick look to engage with the kids excitement, and actually show her support for them and for their new home.
Being more difficult than you need to be will set you up for a bumpy ride.