I don’t want her in my house

[Doornon]

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

Why would you do this? Its very bizarre. Did she come into the old house and see where they slept?

Life is so much easier and a lot more pleasant when you aren’t so dramatic about everything.

Unless she’s a horrible person, let her in, make her a coffee and let the kids show their mum their rooms. Say ‘sorry about the mess! You know what it’s like the day after you move in!’. Say no if they try and show her your room. And then go about your day having had a perfectly uneventful, normal and polite interaction with a woman your husband co-parents with. Why all the fuss?

I'm with the others. grant yourself the gift of not giving the tiniest shite about it.

Be cool. Let it go blah blah.

I had stepchildren and the first thing I realised is you have to suck up so much absolute crap as a SM, it's unbelievable. Go with the flow though as the day will come when she will need you to do her a favour and on and on it goes. This will not even register long term.

When I was with my ex, I was Cruella De Ville according to his ex wife even though they had divorced long before I met him and she didn't know me. Then her cat got a grass seed in his eye and that's my day job. I sorted it for nowt and ....suddenly I was a decent human being.

Mal et bon. Bon et mal.

Can't you look at it the other way?
You're letting her in before you've arranged the house to your liking, so she won't be the first to see it as you want it to be.
Save that privilege for your family.

I would think about the kids - it’s important for kids to be able to share their lives with the people who are important to them (such as their Mum’s).

i would worry if you don’t let them show their Mum their new room they will not feel as if it is their home.

and as someone said above, if you don’t know her, this is a good way of building a relationship with her - and making the kids happier.

We never got through the door. Even in the depths of winter and it was below freezing, icy, snowy etc. We found out what the kids rooms were like when they put it on the market. Their new home was taken offline as soon as their offer was accepted, so we never saw the new house.
Tidy your hallway, let her in there to collect her children, or you drop them to her this week and avoid it?

Could you not drop them back to her this week? Save the tour for once you are a bit more organised.

I would never want my ex coming in to my home and I would never expect to visit his. In surprised at how many would!

Hand her a paintbrush!!

Many years ago, relatives and friends would be shown all round a new house. Round my way, that no longer happens - you see the living room/lounge, bathroom and kitchen. That's it.

There's no need for the children's mother to see anything outside the living room and the children's bedroom[s].

Having said that, my husband's kids were adults when we married. Latterly, we supposedly got on better with the ex. However, she could still be quite sarcastic and was quite prone to barbed comments. (I was told by a mutual acquaintance that she was even like that at secondary school...)

Family circumstances meant that I did see the living room in her home and I thought that we were having a better relationship. I felt sorry for her - her Affair Partner died unexpectedly and then she lost her next partner to illness - but then the sharp tongue appeared again. I told DH that under no circumstances was she ever to get over the threshold of my home.

I think that you're stuck in a more awkward position, OP. If you have to let the ex into the house, make it clear that she only sees the living room and children's rooms.

I’d invite her in for a cuppa and try to be friendly.

Exactly, as a mother I would want to know what my kids other room looked like whether unpacked or not. More importantly the kids need to feel connection between both their lives, having their mum see their Dad's new home is going to make them feel securer. I actually feel sorry for them having a step mum who is more concerned about showing off a clean house than caring about their well being.

That’s really judgy and nasty to the OP. Her wellbeing is important too and no one is going to die / come to any danger if the kids have to wait a week or two to show their new rooms off to their mum. It’s doesnt need to happen NOW, the op gets to have some say over her home space!

A quick tour of the rooms downstairs, or their bedrooms is ok, I can imagine she wants an image of where her kids are sleeping when they are away from her, but maybe ask if you can have a tour of their mums bedroom if she sees your bedroom? See how that goes down. Not very well I would think.

I wouldn’t dream of going round my ex’s house and nosying into his and his partners bedroom and don’t know why you’re even contemplating it. I don’t feel the need to see the kids rooms there either but I suppose I would if they really wanted me to.
Put your foot down you’re not being unreasonable at all not wanting her there

And there's absolutely nothing to suggest that the ex has any desire to look round the house, let alone "nosy" into anything. The OP thinks the kids will insist on showing her. She might well be completely bored by the whole process.

How old are they? Surely it’s just a “no, not today kids” and then you have them and their bags ready in the hallway when she pulls up?

From the information we have, it's just as likely that the the reason is that the OP is a terrible person as that the ex is a terrible person.

Probably, neither of them are.

I mean, fair enough. But the ex in this case hasn't even said or done anything at all. The OP just thinks the children will insist on bringing her in.

I get how you feel. A week after we moved into our current house, my MIL had relatives from Ireland over and she invited the whole lot of them over to ours for the day. DH agreed to it and couldn't see any issues. Pretty much the day we moved in the boiler bust and flooded the garage and we were without hot water for about a week and had no water at all for a short time. I told him to cancel them. He didn't, they came. I was wrangling a baby and a two year old, a house in chaos, two cats, boxes everywhere and the largest pile of washing up because of the no/ cold water issue. I couldn't even make them tea. At the time my ILs weren't local so it wasn't like they were just popping over. They stayed for the whole day. I just wanted to weep.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You’re exhausted after a stressful move. You’ll get it sorted soon but the last thing you need is an ex making snide comments about your new home.

So this isn’t the utterly I’m guessing your DH is still a thoughtless selfish twat @ilovesushi

unless you have since seen the light…

My dad came to look round my mums new house because I was excited to show him we had a serving hatch from the kitchen to the dining room, the ice machine on the fridge, and my lava lamp. I doubt she will actually want to snoop in your room, unless she’s a nutter.

What does your DP want? It’s his house too. I know you don’t really know her but she’s the mother of his children so she’s part of his family.

You would be a right weirdo to want to see where your ex shags his new wife.