Page 8 | I don’t want her in my house

Doornon · 2025-04-01T16:22:41+00:00

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

AthWat · 02/04/2025 08:43

Kitchensinktoday · 02/04/2025 07:50

Can we acknowledge the dynamic between new partner/ex partner is an awkward one?

The question is whether letting the kids show her the house (if they want to, and if she has time and says yes) will make it more awkward or less awkward. If neither the new or the ex partner give a shit and just go along with it because the kids have asked, it makes it less awkward.

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 08:49

ExtraOnions · 01/04/2025 17:26

When you move house, nobody expects you to be sorted for weeks / months.

Really? When I moved into my new home we were sorted, unpacked and everything assembled and in its place within three days.

I think a week is fine, but I would be strongly judging someone who wanted to be excused for the mess after a couple of months!!

Doubledenim305 · 02/04/2025 08:57

rwalker · 02/04/2025 07:15

It’s quite simple who’s more important you or the kids
if it’s you then she doesn’t get over the drop step
if it’s the kids she gets shown round

on the plus side it’s nice that the kids feel comfortable to invite there mum into your house and in your house she’s not deemed the enemy

many kids aren’t allowed to even mention there other parent when there with the other one it’s incredibly damaging

ultimately it’s beneficial to everyone if you all appear to get on

Edited

Don't think it's who is more important....mum is in charge of what happens and needs to be in a good place to be best mum she can be. So prioritising her own peace and well being is best for everyone.

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:24

To answer all the other questions and assumptions.

I can only describe our relationship with ex as socially awkward but polite. DP and his ex are socially awkward interacting together and I also find it socially awkward. She doesn’t seem to notice a lot of social cues. She stays too long and lingers awkwardly. Any time DP would be invited in by the kids to see something, he would dart in, catch a look and then go.

She doesn’t pay our mortgage so she has no ‘say’ in our house as DP has 50/50 and we have no say over her house. I also have no say or permissions to grant to my ex for his property and neither does he with mine. Let’s just agree to disagree that mothers automatically have any right to inspect anyone else’s home. if you as a mother have concerns about your children’s living arrangements get a lawyer and get legal advice rather than expecting to be granted permission to someone else’s home to carry out an inspection that’s just called being nosy and it’s unreasonable. Giving birth to the kids doesn’t give anyone the automatic right to access my home but that’s another topic. I already said I do not mind her seeing the rooms it’s the kids home too, but there is nothing to see, just a messy room. She will be welcome in just felt like it was not a good time now.

Secondly our chain nearly collapsed and moving was incredibly last minute from exchange to completion and very difficult which is why it is chaotic. We had to move ourselves with a small van doing a lot of trips, we hadn’t had time to pack properly as we didn’t think it was going to happen. The house is also pretty dirty so we are spending every evening cleaning rather than building furniture which I believe is the right way round as I can’t clean it when it’s all in the way. We both work full time and I have had 4 hours off work to move house on Monday because I can’t take any annual leave!

I’m so stressed and tired and was just stressed at having a visitor at this early stage. I don’t think that’s immature 😂

Thanks for the advice

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Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:28

The kids are so excited I know they will run around throwing all the doors open. DP doesn’t want them in all the rooms either but unless he leads the way or trails after them it’s unlikely we can really stop them doing it. He has asked them to swerve our room but I think the SDC will want to show off. I cleared up my room to the best I could. It feels like I am having an estate agent viewing 😂

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Balloonney · 02/04/2025 09:31

unless he leads the way or trails after them it’s unlikely we can really stop them doing it.

What's stopping him doing this?

if you as a mother have concerns about your children’s living arrangements get a lawyer and get legal advice rather than expecting to be granted permission to someone else’s home to carry out an inspection that’s just called being nosy and it’s unreasonable. Giving birth to the kids doesn’t give anyone the automatic right to access my home but that’s another topic

What a crazy view.

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:32

What are some of these posts about? Mum is not in charge of anything. She has her time and dad has his time. You don’t get any control over what happens when you aren’t there. No one controls each others time or homes. I am not sure some people have ever experienced co parenting or divorce this is not how it works. If you have kids and split up you might get a surprise about all the things you legally have no right over your ex (including reassurance, this is based on good will only - which we provide)

you will waste a lot of money and time trying and absolutely failing if that’s your MO post divorce!

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Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:34

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 09:31

unless he leads the way or trails after them it’s unlikely we can really stop them doing it.

What's stopping him doing this?

if you as a mother have concerns about your children’s living arrangements get a lawyer and get legal advice rather than expecting to be granted permission to someone else’s home to carry out an inspection that’s just called being nosy and it’s unreasonable. Giving birth to the kids doesn’t give anyone the automatic right to access my home but that’s another topic

What a crazy view.

This is in response to everyone banging on about how the mother has the right to inspect our home. She does not. Even legally. Both parents have PR. Mothers do not have a superior version of the PR.

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Balloonney · 02/04/2025 09:43

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:34

This is in response to everyone banging on about how the mother has the right to inspect our home. She does not. Even legally. Both parents have PR. Mothers do not have a superior version of the PR.

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I agree, but seems dramatic. Its nice as co-parents imo to be open about a quick look around for the sake of the children and their excitement. You'd hope if your partner wanted to see where his children would be living half of the time his ex wouldnt see it as a big deal for the sake of the children to quickly show him rather than going through court.

Yorkshirelass04 · 02/04/2025 09:46

I totally get this.

I have has family members insist on looking round my new house in disarray.

It felt like a power play and people being nosey!

I would be suggesting she comes back in a couple of weeks.

Freshflower · 02/04/2025 09:46

I don't think this is unreasonable one bit. I'd just simply say to the children, I know you are excited to show mummy and we will show her about when the place is more organised. Then hopefully they won't invite her in , if they do I'd just say place is so unorganised at the moment , next time when we've sorted it out a bit we can show mummy about. Surely that wouldn't be such a big deal. I wouldn't care if someone said that to me

MummaMummaMumma · 02/04/2025 09:49

You've just moved. It's going to look terrible at first! Don't stress.

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:50

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 09:43

I agree, but seems dramatic. Its nice as co-parents imo to be open about a quick look around for the sake of the children and their excitement. You'd hope if your partner wanted to see where his children would be living half of the time his ex wouldnt see it as a big deal for the sake of the children to quickly show him rather than going through court.

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I have said I don’t mind, but currently it looks like shit. We need to crack on with it, so having her lingering around for 30-45 mins while we all stand there watching her chat to the kids is a waste of valuable time! He trusts her to not provide the DC with a dangerous living environment so no ‘inspections’ necessary! And even if you went to court, you would never be granted access to someone else’s home. You couldn’t get a court to agree to show you a kids bedroom. A social worker would inspect it, not you personally if you really was that worried. I’m sure DP can sleep at night not seeing inside someone else’s house. I don’t go into my kids other bedroom at their other house I trust their dad doesn’t have razors embedded into the furniture

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pimplebum · 02/04/2025 09:54

Bit weird to stress about the mess , why would she expect it to be any different ?

id be embarrassed by dirt, squalor hoarding or kids not living properly Ie matressess on floor as a regular thing but not this situation

also why would see want to come in and look around , that’s weird too considering she hardly knows you , if it were my kids I’d not want to come in and inspect the gaff ,

Peachy2005 · 02/04/2025 10:04

I think your DP should message his ex and say “I know the kids will want to show you around but we don’t feel comfortable with the state of it right now so could you tell them you would rather give us a chance to get sorted/unpacked etc” - he can explain same to kids “it’ll be nicer to show your mum your room when it’s all set up” …that kind of thing.

BigDahliaFan · 02/04/2025 10:19

God there's some weird responses on here. My Dh's ex helped us move and unpacked loads of stuff for us. So a very different dynamic. But to be honest it's either - "your mum can come round next week when it's sorted" or just suck it up and have an alarm set on your phone for 30 minutes so you 'have to take a call' or something.

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 10:40

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:50

I have said I don’t mind, but currently it looks like shit. We need to crack on with it, so having her lingering around for 30-45 mins while we all stand there watching her chat to the kids is a waste of valuable time! He trusts her to not provide the DC with a dangerous living environment so no ‘inspections’ necessary! And even if you went to court, you would never be granted access to someone else’s home. You couldn’t get a court to agree to show you a kids bedroom. A social worker would inspect it, not you personally if you really was that worried. I’m sure DP can sleep at night not seeing inside someone else’s house. I don’t go into my kids other bedroom at their other house I trust their dad doesn’t have razors embedded into the furniture

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Who is saying its to inspect or to ensure there are no risks? It's wild how much of a big deal this is to you!

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 10:42

@Balloonney so many people responded that I need to allow this to reassure her. Of what exactly? If she thinks we are unsafe then this is a much bigger issue than seeing a room.

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nomas · 02/04/2025 11:01

Gettingbysomehow · 02/04/2025 07:39

I think you are being a bit precious tbh. If the kids have to see it why not their mother. nobody expects a show home. I'll always see people whether my house is a mess or not.

The kids have to see it because it’s their home.

The ex doesn’t have the right to go in, it’s up to OP and her DH to decide if and when they want to let her see it.

100percenthagitude · 02/04/2025 11:01

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:50

I have said I don’t mind, but currently it looks like shit. We need to crack on with it, so having her lingering around for 30-45 mins while we all stand there watching her chat to the kids is a waste of valuable time! He trusts her to not provide the DC with a dangerous living environment so no ‘inspections’ necessary! And even if you went to court, you would never be granted access to someone else’s home. You couldn’t get a court to agree to show you a kids bedroom. A social worker would inspect it, not you personally if you really was that worried. I’m sure DP can sleep at night not seeing inside someone else’s house. I don’t go into my kids other bedroom at their other house I trust their dad doesn’t have razors embedded into the furniture

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Is 30/45 mins really a waste of time if the kids are happy, and content?

And if kids mum is only "socially awkward" rather than a nosey bunny boiler, then that's a positive?

It kind of seems you are overthinking this. I appreciate you have had a massively stressful move and every empathy for that but you are in your fab new home now, however it looks. Relax and be a little magnanimous?

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:03

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 08:49

Really? When I moved into my new home we were sorted, unpacked and everything assembled and in its place within three days.

I think a week is fine, but I would be strongly judging someone who wanted to be excused for the mess after a couple of months!!

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Have a medal!

Every home is different, what a shocker.

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:04

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 09:43

I agree, but seems dramatic. Its nice as co-parents imo to be open about a quick look around for the sake of the children and their excitement. You'd hope if your partner wanted to see where his children would be living half of the time his ex wouldnt see it as a big deal for the sake of the children to quickly show him rather than going through court.

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Why are you talking about court?! That’s wild and dramatic, OP hasn’t mentioned going to court.

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 11:06

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:04

Why are you talking about court?! That’s wild and dramatic, OP hasn’t mentioned going to court.

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OP did 😂

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:10

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 11:06

OP did 😂

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No, she didn’t. At all. That was you talking about court and OP answering your wild and dramatic post.

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 11:12

Yeah I did I am just frustrated. I don’t owe her anything she isn’t entitled to anything.The kids obviously I would only be doing it for them and I agree it’s their house, in my original OP I said that I didn’t want to object for their sake for this reason. No I don’t get to dictate for them but we have boundaries about bedrooms and no one is allowed to go into someone else’s bedroom without permission. They aren’t allowed to go into other DC’s rooms without asking. This still applies to showing off your new home. Bedrooms are private we all have a space that’s private to us. Part of shared blended living is understanding and appreciating this

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