I don’t want her in my house

[Doornon]

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

Yes, you are perfectly entitled to have boundaries about your personal space and say no to her coming into the house.

When we moved, the kids invited their mum in, and we did a vague maybe another time comment.

Errrm does your partner, the kids dad actually get any say in whether his kids are allowed to show their mum around their new home?

Or do you make all the rules?

I'd rather show her when it's messy and everything is in boxes. Then when it's all lovely and just how you like it she'll never know what it's like. Does that make sense? And I would be clear that she is not to go in your room or you kids' rooms. She can see her kids rooms and the living room. That's enough

You’re being a bit silly. This woman is probably not that interested in your room or your kids room but like you say, her children are excited so she will humour them because that’s what you do.

Like you said, it’s their home too so it’s irrelevant that your family haven’t seen it yet. Someone has to be first and why shouldn’t it be the children’s guest?

Moving is stressful so make sure your not projecting other stress into this issue, because it really doesn’t need to be a problem unless you choose to let it be a problem.

This woman is probably not that interested in your room or your kids room but like you say, her children are excited so she will humour them because that’s what you do.

oh I wouldn’t assume she won’t be interested!

From the other side of the coin. In no reality ever, would I want to step foot into my ex’s and his partners home. I couldn’t think of anything worse lol. Is this the done thing? I’ve never heard of it happening before.

Totally agree!

I get where you’re coming from because I’m quite a private person. But if she chooses to see the bedroom where her ex is having sex with his new partner it’s her head that image will be stuck in. I think it will be harder for her than you.

You've seriously never heard of co-parents getting on well enough not to leave each other standing on the doorstep when they pick the kids up?

Nope!

Just pick drop them home after contact visits, need for her to come in to your house at all.

But you havnt told your partner yet ? Why dont you just ask him to tell the kids that mum can see their rooms once the house is unpacked? Do you think he will say no?

I would say no to them showing her around until you are tidied.
At a push i would insist that only their rooms were shown

Me and my ex

in fact I came in for a coffee last weekend

Just tell them, she can see their new house when she drops them back. By then you will be a bit more sorted.

It’s not a big backstory I just don’t know her, apart from to say hi. We aren’t friends so it’s like having a stranger in my house. We moved yesterday. You know you might invite a neighbour in to your hallway for a chat if they knock but you don’t really say oh come on up to my bedroom to see all my stuff all over the place. The kids room is the worst room it’s not set up at all and they have destroyed it with clothes within a few hours and don’t have beds yet. I do worry she might judge DP for not having the kids set up sorted out yet as that’s particularly dreadful

You have a cast iron excuse as to why the place is a mess, use it!
I'd much rather show a person round just after I'd moved in otherwise I'd always feel like it wasn't good enough.

I was being facetious because I couldn’t be bothered for any aggro of the previous poster.

But yes of course I have, lots of my friends will go into hallways and kitchens etc while waiting for their children. The same way a neighbour you don’t really know well would.

However that’s not quite what the OP is saying will happen. She doesn’t want her partners ex poking round her room and her child’s room. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, I think it’s odd. And I certainly wouldn’t want to go anywhere near my ex and his partners bedroom or a child’s room that I’m not related to. I don’t understand why anyone would want to do that. That’s what I was referring to in my previous comment.

The hallway is fine!

This is what you need to do. You said you don't know her well so assume she's normal and will understand you'll be upside-down for ages yet.
I say this as someone who relocated 18 months ago (without movers) and still feel traumatised now.

Letting her have a quick look round ( minus your room) will also go a long way to making good relationships for the kids going forwards.

I think given you are going to be co parenting with her (to a degree as obviously your DP is the actual co parent) I'd maybe take it as an opportunity to get to know her better? Explain the issues with no movers/time off so it looks like a squat raided by the fbi and tell her a few of your plans for how you want it to be looking. I assume the SDC are young if they are excited to show mum so building a good relationship now will help massively come the tricky puberty years when they may try and play you off against each other. I'm not saying make her your new best mate and obviously there may be a whole history here that means my suggestion is ridiculous (you did say no back story so hopefully not) but being on friendlier terms than just hi will pay dividends when the inevitable issues come up

Yesterday I had an electrician call round to look at some work I needed doing and at the last minute I remembered the dodgy lights in the ensuite. As we walked upstairs all I could think of was 'Are yesterday's pants on the floor?'! Luckily, No!

I wouldn’t want her having a look around even when your are a bit straighter with the chaos to be honest!
Have you been allowed to snoop around her house?
Just tell the kids/partner it’s a no. Job done.

Op do you think your SC will ignore your request for your room not to be shown?

Just let her in, what’s the big deal? Not seeing your or your kids room is completely ridiculous. You sound petty and insecure. Grow up.