I don’t want her in my house

[Doornon]

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

If you moved yesterday, nobody would judge about no furniture yet.

But if you really don't want it then could you offer to drop them home? Or paint the bannister just before she is due to come and say going upstairs will have to be postponed until it's dry...

Can you sort of arrange for the pick up to be done in town, or offer to drop them off instead? So, she is then nowhere near your home and the kids won’t be pulling her in the house to show her around.

It is 100% OK to say to her, and the children:

oh, sorry not this visit. The house isn’t presentable. Buh bye.

I'd just let them show her. Be unapologetic.

However I'd keep your room and your kids rooms blocked off.

You don't really know her, but she is your SDC's mother. You are, presumably, concerned about how she might judge you, what she might think if she sees your home when it isn't perfect. But your SDC are concerned about the woman, quite likely the person, they are closest to in the world knowing about their exciting new home. About where they will be living. About their dreams for the space. They probably don't really know your family that well, but you would probably think it bizarre and rude if they presumed to try and stop you inviting your family in when you want to, just because they aren't familiar. It's their home too.

It's fine to shut the door to your room and your own kids' room (assuming your own kid doesn't want to show). But the rest really doesn't matter. Even if she judges, so long as she has the civility to keep it to herself it really isn't important. Just make sure to invite her back in in a couple of weeks when you have it sorted out so she knows her kids are not being neglected.

There are some special circumstances with co-parents where it wouldn't be unreasonable to keep them at arms length. If they have form for using things that aren't perfect against you in a significant way. If they have treated you in a vile way. etc.

But if it's your anxiety/lack of comfort/desire to project a polished image rather than her behaviour being unacceptable then you would be very unreasonable to stop your SDC from feeling at home and showing their mum around their home.

I don't see any good reason why your stepchildren's mother simply must see the inside of your newly moved into home right now when you haven't had a chance to move in and don't want the mess exposed to someone who doesn't live there and who may judge you for it. It's YOUR house too and you are one of the ADULTS in the home!

I'd just tell your husband that you'd feel humiliated to have her see the place in such a state and that you need a little time to get it organized. The two of you need to reach an agreement and then you tell the stepchildren what that agreement is. Their mother can see the house NEXT time!

Simply shut the door of the two rooms you don't want people to sight see.
Add a sign to both. Out Of Bounds Until Unpacked.

Ask the kids to respect those signs when bringing guests into the house.

It doesn’t suit at the moment. We’ll have mummy round soon. Full stop

So it is MY house and not OUR house? that idea would not have a welcoming feel towards anyone else living there? why do you feel you have full control over this?

If you RTFT you would see that the OP specifically says she does not want them to show the ex her room but the kids will.

Agreed. It’s much more empowering to say no when you’re not ready. Ex can visit when OP and her dp are sorted.

Sorry the only reason I wasn’t back is because we was up till the early hours trying to organise (and clean) the house! Then we crashed out to sleep and have work today! The photos and viewing were impressive but the house is completely filthy which was another thing bugging me but we talked about her pending and tried to straighten the house up a bit. He also feels awkward about it and said yeah our room is off limits.

Ok so I have no issue her seeing the house overall, where her kids live or their room she won’t be in here all the time but she isn’t one of those socially aware types who has a quick peek then leaves, if the kids asked her to sit down and play a game, she would! She often just lingers around awkwardly talking to the DC in front of us and doesn’t always have the social awareness that it’s got a bit awkward (especially if none of the adults are chatting and you are watching her chat to the kids for 20 mins). We don’t go in her house but she does the same there, and we stand on the doorstep awkwardly while she chats away to the DC

The kids showed her the outside of the house before. The kids are really excited and I understand but their room just has a mattress and clothes there is nothing to see in it otherwise, we have lovely plans for it though. I mostly just felt weirded out by anyone I don’t know well coming in when all our stuff is lying around the place but mostly the bedrooms. The downstairs is fine for me

It’s quite simple who’s more important you or the kids
if it’s you then she doesn’t get over the drop step
if it’s the kids she gets shown round

on the plus side it’s nice that the kids feel comfortable to invite there mum into your house and in your house she’s not deemed the enemy

many kids aren’t allowed to even mention there other parent when there with the other one it’s incredibly damaging

ultimately it’s beneficial to everyone if you all appear to get on

Both are important, it’s not an either/or situation. The compromise is ex sees the house when it’s in better shape. And the kids see it as surprising mummy when their rooms are done up as lovely as OP and her DP are planning.

I think you are being a bit precious tbh. If the kids have to see it why not their mother. nobody expects a show home. I'll always see people whether my house is a mess or not.

I think this is a clear example of adults putting their needs ahead of the children. It's wonderful that the children are accepting of this situation and are even excited to show their other home with their mum, why would you stop that?
Living in two separate houses is hard on kids and their acceptance shouldn't be taken for granted.
This is also an opportunity to model, mature, selfless and kind behaviour.
Clothes and boxes will be cleaned up, memories can't be and this is something they'll remember, let that be for the right reasons.

I hope you enjoy your new home 😊

Can we acknowledge the dynamic between new partner/ex partner is an awkward one?

Maybe she'll offer to roll her sleeves up and help out😂

Yep, it's awkward. How old are the children and do they live with you full time?

My SC's egg donor used our toilet once, I could here her having a good look around upstairs. (and before anyone starts, she is exactly that, has never been a mother, has always been waste of space, even more now they are adults).

Will you be there when she comes round? I would go up with the children and her to show her their room/rooms and steer her back down the stairs. Just reiterate to her that there is a lot to do but it will be lovely once it's sorted.

Just take control and set expectations. Tell the kids in advance that they can't invite mummy in to see their room until it's a little straighter. If they get over excited when she comes for pick up and try to drag her in then step in immediately and say no, we only moved in this week and we're not straight, let's wait until we're settled a bit. You're the adults here. When they do show her their room then go with them and make sure your room is closed and stand in front of the door so is not entered. It's not difficult.

Does she have to do pick up? Can one of you drop DC off to her instead?

Then take control of the situation. If you think the kids will excitedly show her around you can either

1. Stand next to them when she comes and say "why don't you show her round next time when it's all sorted"
2. Take her round yourself and then show her only the bits that you want ie her kids rooms and then escort her to the door

Who cares if its messy and she's judgy. It won't make any difference and maybe put her off coming in again.

I’d just suck it up it’ll be obvious that it’s chaos from the move. It’s nice DSC want to show it off

@Doornon- Sorry, but your FBI comment did make me chuckle. <misses point>

I’d probably own it and cheerfully let her in saying exactly what you’ve said here - “Welcome. Come in and look around. Because we’ve just moved in and have been at work it currently looks like a squat that’s been raided by the FBI but I’m sure you’ll see the potential like we did.” The key is to say it completely unapologetically without any hint of shame whatsoever. It’s more likely to leave DSDC’s mum secretly impressed with your unflappability.

However, I totally understand why it makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s like turning up for a job interview in your PJs. There are boundaries in all relationships and more so for people we don’t include in our inner circle. Letting the X see the house unprepared can leave you feeling a little exposed. I get it. I think it will play to your advantage to take a breezy approach than letting her see your vulnerability though, plus it removes any ammunition she may turn it into.

Congratulations on your new home.

What?