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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don’t want her in my house

241 replies

Doornon · 01/04/2025 17:22

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

OP posts:
MolluscMonday · 03/04/2025 00:13

Just use your words- this time and every time!!

No kids, we’re not inviting Mum in, it’s too chaotic still right now. Get your stuff and let’s have a hug goodbye at the door.

Sorry Jackie, we’re not inviting people in just yet, we’re still unpacking.

Right Jackie, lovely to see you but we’ll have to call it a day for today now, we’ve got stuff to get on with.

Practice in advance if you need to but just say it!

Tosca23 · 03/04/2025 08:25

Personally I think you’re well within your rights to say you don’t want visitors indoors yet.

WillVioletsDad · 03/04/2025 08:27

FatLarrysBanned · 01/04/2025 17:26

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let DP's ex step over my threshold. When the kids pay the mortgage they can decide who gets an invite. You may be more charitable than me and extend an invite when things are a little more organised...

My ex and I have emergency keys to each other’s houses so if one of us has our daughter and she needs something from the other house they / we can go and get it. Plus just general emergencies. Also, if my ex is out, has left her dog at home, and has got delayed, she can ask me to go over and give her dog a walk and let her have a wee and perhaps feed her. (Have done that this very week).

I understand that relationships can end badly but it must be very hard on the kids.

FatLarrysBanned · 03/04/2025 09:29

WillVioletsDad · 03/04/2025 08:27

My ex and I have emergency keys to each other’s houses so if one of us has our daughter and she needs something from the other house they / we can go and get it. Plus just general emergencies. Also, if my ex is out, has left her dog at home, and has got delayed, she can ask me to go over and give her dog a walk and let her have a wee and perhaps feed her. (Have done that this very week).

I understand that relationships can end badly but it must be very hard on the kids.

That's nice. Does your ex live with a new partner? I just couldn't countenance my DP's ex coming into our home to do chores around our house whilst I was out.

DP's ex reported me to the police for bubbling with him during covid (we were 2 single parent households which was allowed). I'd never even met the woman. The police told her to sod off, but that told me everything I needed to know about her, so no, she won't be coming in for a mooch about. Still haven't met her and my life is no poorer for it.

mamajong · 03/04/2025 09:33

What's the big deal? Everyone knows that it takes time to get sorted when you move. IF she judges you for it who cares? My SK took their mum on a tour of the house and my ex on a tour of hers. They face time her a tour of every holiday we go on too, it's nice for her to know where they are when they're not with her, and have a mental picture imo.

With step/blended families, you do have to pick your battles if you want a harmonious and drama free life - imo this ain't your hill to die on.

WillVioletsDad · 03/04/2025 10:09

FatLarrysBanned · 03/04/2025 09:29

That's nice. Does your ex live with a new partner? I just couldn't countenance my DP's ex coming into our home to do chores around our house whilst I was out.

DP's ex reported me to the police for bubbling with him during covid (we were 2 single parent households which was allowed). I'd never even met the woman. The police told her to sod off, but that told me everything I needed to know about her, so no, she won't be coming in for a mooch about. Still haven't met her and my life is no poorer for it.

Edited

My ex has a boyfriend but they don’t live together. We get on well. (The miniature I’m currently using when playing D&D was painted by him).

Your DP’s ex does very unpleasant. You have my sympathies.

Doornon · 03/04/2025 10:16

Firstly she is not asking to see where the kids are sleeping so I am not concerned this is an issue I am facing - more that like another poster said, the kids will race around showing it all off (one of them has taken a liking to a big cupboard in a bathroom so I really do mean they will want to show every nook and cranny). They are excited, I do get it I asked DP to talk to them about sticking to the main areas and not every inch of the house as I think all the adults would find it weird and awkward. We haven’t hooked up our dryer yet so let’s add in all my pants hanging up drying to the mix yeah.

I can see that it might be an issue that other unsuspecting separated parents might have to face. I do understand there is a deep desire to ‘see where your kids are sleeping’ as so many people have said it as if it’s something completely normal 😂 but can we normalise that this isn’t particularly rational and you might come across as controlling to expect this under your ‘Mothers Rights’ and I can see why so many co parenting relationships are not very good if this is an expectation.

Ours is ok, we aren’t friends - I have nothing in common with their mum apart from DP. I’m cordial. I don’t know her very well. I am fine with it staying that way. I don’t know what it is, I just have zero desire to befriend her. The social awkwardness around her is probably the off putting thing plus I don’t think she’s very nice to my DP, so I don’t like being around that energy.

However I’m on great terms with my ex and his wife and I even have done childcare for them, I send them cards for special occasions, always get their child a gift on Xmas and birthdays, we are friends on social media. She’s lovely I like her, they have invited me in their house and vice versa. My ex MIL sent me a house warming card. I don’t think I am the twat around here 😂

I do not know how this would benefit your kids if it’s just about allaying your own ‘concerns’ to be expected viewing access inside your exes houses. Don’t be weird guys. If someone invites you in, then do your thing and be polite but this is one of the reasons why step mums/2nd wives can get such a bad rap around here because many of us have to put up with this kind of fucking weirdness. If you don’t pay our mortgage you don’t have any rights to come into our house just because you had children with one of the home owners.

DP will be managing this and I will trust that he will sort it so I don’t think I have much more to add to the thread now

OP posts:
onwardsup4 · 03/04/2025 10:36

What’s wrong with just telling the kids no, you can show your mum round when we’re all set up and not living squat like. I’m sure they’ll live

WearyAuldWumman · 03/04/2025 11:01

Based on my own experiences, OP, I'm in full agreement with you.

As you say, your relationship with your DH's ex is cordial - and that's good. I thought that my relationship with my late husband's ex was cordial enough latterly, but she kept pushing boundaries on the grounds that she was representing her (now middle-aged) children.

It's a lot easier to set firm boundaries now and to ease them up later.

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 03/04/2025 12:58

Flozle · 02/04/2025 22:01

Why? I was just surprised that you couldn’t envisage a group of adults having an amicable relationship, even if that’s not been your experience.

Because someone else’s commented something similar and I readily answered. So surely it’s pointless to have me repeat myself?

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 03/04/2025 13:38

Couldn't you arrange for DH to drop the kids off instead this week instead of EXW picking them up?
If you are worried about the beds (this was priority for me when we moved it would have stressed me out sleeping on mattresses) could you pay a flat pack firm to make them up so at least they are done if she does visit?

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 06/04/2025 09:02

Oh this thread brings back memories of the request for a meeting before I could be introduced to the child and a full tour before overnights could begin. Good luck OP. I would just do the journeys for now to avoid it if their mum has an inept ability to notice social clues.

MikeRafone · 07/04/2025 21:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Monchylavender · 25/06/2025 09:17

JudgeJ · 01/04/2025 18:31

Yesterday I had an electrician call round to look at some work I needed doing and at the last minute I remembered the dodgy lights in the ensuite. As we walked upstairs all I could think of was 'Are yesterday's pants on the floor?'! Luckily, No!

Maybe it’s me that’s odd, but I can’t get my head around why anyone would have their pants just flung on the floor in the first place!

Flozle · 25/06/2025 12:47

Too tired to put them in the laundry basket? Fell out as the laundry pile was moved downstairs? Wild sex? Lots of reasons. 🫤

Monchylavender · 25/06/2025 14:11

Flozle · 25/06/2025 12:47

Too tired to put them in the laundry basket? Fell out as the laundry pile was moved downstairs? Wild sex? Lots of reasons. 🫤

The mind boggles!! 🫢

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