I don’t want her in my house

[Doornon]

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

Just say no. It's stressing you out and you don't need that.
Ur home. U can say no not yet.
Just take the bull by the horns and stop worrying about what everyone else will think.
You don't want her in yet. So she doesn't get in till u r ready. Easy🤜🤛

She is much more likely to think something is off if you don't let her see. You guys share custody of kids, she is family, of course the kids should show her what they want. It's their home and it's wonderful they are proud of it.

It’s snooping because why on earth does the ex need to see the OP’s bedroom?! Maybe the SC’s room once it’s sorted but that’s all!

see my logic is

id rather she saw it as it was, than how it is going to be - how it is going to be would be invading my privacy whereas its not mine yet - as we literally only dumped our stuff here.

Its the important people in my life that I want to see what its like when its finished - those others don't get to see how I really live

You don't want to let her in do you? So don't.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or has done or would do. Stick to your guns about what you want and don't be beaten down. You can be assertive without being rude and if others don't like your answer then it's tough!

You could tell the children the house is too much of a jumble and you don't want visitors yet. If you don't ever want their mum across the threshold (for whatever reason), tell them they can take photos of their rooms when they're sorted so their mum can see what they look like.

No, the kids shouldn't show her what they want if that includes other peoples' bedrooms! Their own at a push but absolutely not the OP's or her children if she's not comfortable. The kids don't get to decide.

do you have pictures of the listing when you bought/rented?! Show her those?

Maybe these are descriptions from people who have ex partners to them or their partner who would snoop and poke?

Yes but it's not difficult to stick to what's being said by the OP in this thread.

It's not about them or their exes.

Or maybe they are using their own experience to tell OP why they feel the same as she does and that she's allowed to feel this way?

Empathy and all that...

I keep forgetting the OP has a partner whose home it also is.

But then again, he's just the kid's dad 👀

And the OP has ignored any questions regarding his opinion in all this.

They're making shit up about 'snooping' and 'poking around the house'.

That's not helpful to anyone.

The OP said she doesn't want her looking around because she doesn't know her and the house is disorganised at present.

We'll have an added story about Goldilocks and the 3 bears by the time this thread's finished and it'd be just as relevant to the OP's situation.

She might not want to come in? I imagine my dc wanting to show me the room in their dad and dsm's new home and either keeping to the main room and the relevant bedroom or saying "show me when it's all settled, darlings".

You know... behaving like a sensible adult? Unless she has previous for rummaging though knicker drawers in a judgy way of course

YANBU

i wouldn’t even show my best friend house if I were sleeping on mattresses on the floor surrounded by clothes.

She can wait until it’s been spruced up.

YANBU. Your DP needs to step in here and tell the kids it’ll be even better to show their mum the house when it looks lovely! Get him to do the handover in the front garden.

She doesn’t need to see it. Perfectly valid to tell DCs not to open that door, or to accompany to ensure it’s not open. Suggesting she’s ‘snooping’ because a child opens a door is unpleasant though. It’s not like she’s demanding to see it - OP is worried the children will open the door, that’s all.

This is the best time to have her in because you have an excuse for it to be a mess!

If you don’t want to see her then be out when she comes but I would definitely get DH to let her in so the kids can show her around.

Let the kids have their excitement and share it with their mum.

IMO the best way to manage this is very easy breezy.
Let her pop in, apologise for the chaos and say the children were so excited to show you round. If you don’t entertain her she won’t feel comfortable staying. Then as she leaves, apologise again and suggest once you’re settled she can pop round for a cuppa. (Note this could be an empty invite).
I suspect their DM feels just as awkward.

If you don’t want her in your house don’t have her in. DSC mum doesn’t have to see their rooms or the house it’s not her house, they can always take pictures to show their mum, it’s ok to have boundaries around your home.

It’s not the best time for the OP, and that’s perfectly alright. The kids can be explained to that the house will be shown when it looks nice.

She's not a visitor. She is looking at where her kids are sleeping. I don't think she is judging you. Everyone moves - you're overthinking it.

@Doornon
I get you. I remember moving once and my actual bedroom that I had to sleep had all of my clothes piled on the unmade bed with boxes covering the floor I couldn't even find my toothbrush.
If someone had wanted to see that room at that moment I would have told them to fuck off. And I do find saying that does cause offence.

Have you ever had a tour / show around of her house? I highly doubt it.

just say no, yes the kids are excited but they don’t always get what they want and you aren’t comfortable with it.
just say you’re not ready for visitors yet but once rooms are sorted you’ll invite mum round. Then the excitement will have worn off and you can decide what you’re comfortable with.

It might be the best time for their dad whose house it also is?

Absolutely this! Unless you’re on really friendly terms then why on earth would the ex want or need to come in?

Why would a dirty messy house be the best time for the dad?