To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

I think a lot of posters have been harsh.

What your father said was hurtful - and needs to be challenged sometime. But maybe after the exams?

You need to find a good place to study. And personally I would be heading to the Library everyday of your study leave. And if your parents ask why, tell them that study and small children don’t mix - and I expect they will interrupt Auntie if she is in the house.

These exams are hard!

And whatever your father says in public, once the exams are over, investigate moving out.

Move out if you don’t like it, or are you paying a small rent that you wouldn’t get away with paying elsewhere?

Meaning everyone else has to tiptoe around? Honestly, OP. Just study in your bedroom with noise cancelling headphones and let your parents do what they like downstairs. It’s not that complicated.

Wow, that was a shockingly hurtful thing for him to say OP.

Hopefully, given his other behaviour, he didn’t actually mean it. It sounds like he probably didn’t.

YANBU to feel hurt though.

I do agree though, YABU to ask them not to have the children round so much. But YANBU at all asking for notice.

I think there are some extremely unkind posts on here.
Consideration during a stressful time was all you asked for.How thoughtless and so unkind for your Dad to make the comment he did. I would 100% support a child of mine during stressful exams, and if that meant rearranging ad hoc arrangements for this period of asking I would. I wish you well and sending you love and strength to get through this period of your life.And every success in your future.

Where the fuck did I say this? You’re making huge assumptions. I have never demanded total silence. Three toddlers running around is absolutely different to daily life in a house.

Well just suck it up for the few days that are left.

That is a horrible thing to say @ForTealBee But as some people have said, I do wonder if he secretly resents you still being at home. Though I really don't think there's anything wrong with being at home still at 25.

Time to start looking for a way to move out.

That is the reality of living in a family home though. Family = noise, disruption and lots of people.

Although it's hurtful, OP, I would focus on the fact he didn't mention your sibling either. I've heard a few grandparents talk about the intensity of their feelings for their grandkids compared to their adult children. Small children are often really easy to love compared to the complexity of adult relationships. Their vulnerability also pushes them up the list of concern for everyone in the family which is only right. Sounds like you do have a good relationship with your parents generally so I wouldn't read too much into one throw away comment given at a stressful period for all.

Maybe have a chat and a laugh with your sibling about how you've both been (hopefully temporarily) supplanted in the will 😄

Please show me where I demanded total silence. Genuinely, show me.

OP, your parents are a disgrace.
You are looking for extra support for 2 weeks.

Try and put the upset behind you.
Get those exams and get on the road to a great career and a great life.

You have golden child going on in your house.

I have had several friends in your situation over the years.
It is painful.
Moving away and having contact only on their terms, infrequently, was very helpful for them.

They all have very successful lives and moved past it.

When you have money get some therapy to work through any issues you have, but do not allow their favouritism to drag your life down.

You cannot change them, only how you allow it to affect you.

Keep your power and energy for your future success.

You are grown up and can look after yourself. Your dad’s words were mean, but what he actually meant was that he feels a responsibility to, and is needed more, by the children and therefore they are more important. I don’t think it has anything to do with actual love.

He’s told you other times how much you mean to him, you are a happy family, he’s told you he doesn’t want you to move out. Don’t take him prioritising the more needy and vulnerable children, to mean he loves you less.

He's also saying the grandchildren are more important than your sibling, the person who actually GAVE him the grandchildren, since she didn't get a mention either.

Just focus on the exams now op; you can sort out about renting etc after. It sounds to me as though your dad is fine with you there, just thought you overstepped about their schedule, and that when you talk it out there won’t necessarily be an issue with staying.

For now your priority is to get through the exams.

It sounds like you need to work in your room with noise cancelling headphones. That’s not a majorly unreasonable set-up. I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed and also that he worded his comment as he did. But take a step back: you have somewhere to stay, and lots of people can only study in their room within a household. Buy some headphones, a nice bunch of spring flowers for your desk and make it your study sanctuary: that always worked wonders for me!

What is your solution for the problem then.

ever one is entitled to moan and groan etc
I absolutely understand that you are trying to study etc and you need some time to do it and probably would appreciate some help/revision etc with your dad - as you said it was his field too-

What is your main points going forward to help you get through this difficult period until the exams?

Can you focus on thinking of practical solutions for the household to accommodate your needs in the short term?

The other aspects of your parents and their seeing their grandchildren is really for them to sort out.

I remember how stressed I was studying, exams, working and then kids etc and how frustrated I would be so I do understand how stressful it is for you.

But can you separate the fact you are not happy with how you view the situation with your sister seemingly taking advantage of the fact your parents want to see their grandchildren and maybe it being taken advantage of in your opinion.

Thats a different story that you could probably discuss in the future when you don’t have exams and study stress.

Thiis situation is as you say for two weeks only…. Can you give your family a study schedule to discuss- can you discuss it with all your family and ask them for their opinion and advice on how to get it all to work out for everyone.

im not making any assumptions at all but your post did come across like you were simply telling your parents what to do.

im sure it was just stress.

To be honest, I don't think your dads reaction was unreasonable but it was thoughtless. I am sure that you are one of the most important things in his life, OP. Maybe talk to him about what he said.

Good luck with your exams!

As I’ve said multiple times. I asked if it was possible, and if not I’d go out. No demands. No ultimatums, just a question. For two days in the next two weeks, before I’m on leave and camped out at the library and in my room. You’ve read what you wanted to see.

The pp didn't say you had asked for total silence.

Many of us have studied and extended professional qualfiications whilst juggling work and family life. Reasonable is irrelevant - its simply not realistic to expect the level of quiet you seem to be seeking with regular child visitors.

Personally I couldn't have studied with the noise of a coffee shop around me - I used to use the library at times, not least because the change of setting helps set the "study" frame of mind. Do you have a library within travel distance?

You mention sisters-in-law but surely the person to ask if you want the grandchildren kept home for a couple of weeks is your actual sibling - the brother(s). It is you who wants the children out of the way for a couple of weeks so it should be you speaking to your siblings about the situation rather than expecting your parents to manage it for you.

I have a similar relationship with my sister and parents, including the unnecessarily bringing them over when they're ill and infectious. My mum has said/done some hurtful things about rather spending time with their grandchildren than me, prioritising them even when I go out of my way to visit. I like the grandchildren while they're young, but can already see signs of them turning into their entitled, inconsiderate mother. My mum is still prioritising them now my dad is terminally ill with a low immune system :(

I'm at least a decade other than you OP, childfree and actively chose to live far away and build my own 'chosen' family. I've not found another solution - trying to talk about it hasn't worked. Life is too short for dickheads, even if you're related to them.

You’re getting some unkind responses here but at this point I’d stop focusing on who was being unreasonable, get out for a walk in the sunshine to clear your head and then get on with your studying/work. This place can be both toxic and a massive time-waster. I’m sure it’s no good for your mental health reading all these posts and you’re probably only getting more wound up. My advice would be to log off!

He probably doesn’t want you to move out so he doesn’t lose his board. How much do you pay? Quite frankly, if he’s not struggling financially and well off, I find it quite greedy to expect your dc to pay board.

Much better you move out if possible, even to a flatshare. You were a bit U to ask him to ask sil to not send the kids over as often but you will have your own space and not have to ask permission to bring people around/ect.

Why do you think he said it OP?

I can fully acknowledge I’m not myself, but doing these exams genuinely changes you

So does having a baby, especially if you are one of the many women who develops PND. Your sister is still on mat leave yet you refuse to give her any grace.

It’s very mean and I would be upset. However it’s your parents house, you should be sorting out finding somewhere quiet to study eg the library or you should have just asked them if they could let you know when they’re coming as you’re going to find a quiet place to study

That or buy some noise cancelling headphones.

The thing is you don’t seem to have first tried to solve this yourself, you’ve just asked other people to accommodate you without making any changes yourself.