To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

I wouldn't like it either if noisy kids were in a house when I was trying to study. Or even at any other time.However, it is your parents house. But it was hurtful of him to say that to you. Perhaps he is tetchy because of noisy children in the house. Easiest thing is to study somewhere else.

When I was studying, I used to go to the library because my Dad had TV on watching cricket or golf all day. It would have been unreasonable to ask him not to do that, let alone reduce the amount of time he saw GC.

What a horrible comment. So sorry OP.
Take care of yourself. I had an eye infection in a terribly stressful time once and it was grim.

I think what he was probably trying to say is, you’re 25 and the parenting phase of his life is over, he’s a grandparent now. He will still always love you and I would hope be there for you in a crisis, but parenting his adult children isn’t his main focus anymore in terms of planning his time or how he makes his home available.

That’s a ridiculous overreaction. I really reallly wish people would not throw around terms like abuse when you have no idea what actual abuse is. No question it was a horrible comment to make but taken as a one of comment said in the heat of the moment does not mean he is an abusive father. In fact op has said otherwise. If it was repeatedly said on a regular basis that would be different but it sounds like he felt like he was being dictated too and over reacted.

So what is the compromise or solution that would work for you and your parents that you would have calmly discussed with them regarding your neices and nephews for a short period of time?

I have two adult children living in the house and a grandson also a younger son
I can say i absolutely love all of them but if anyone had said anything remotely similar to the original way you posted I probably would have reacted differently to an ADULT speaking to me as an adult and saying that they are struggling… no parent would ever want their child to be struggling- regardless of their age. But I know that I would want my Adult child/ren to sit and talk about the problem with a solution that is respectful of everyone else in the family.
I absolutely would not approve of being spoken to about my grandchild as if it’s an ultimatum- by (as your post appears to be done in the heat of a stressful situation and I would take it as a spoilt child having a tantrum and making me choose between a 25 year old adult and an actual child)

If you need things to help you for a couple of weeks and it’s approached with maturity, the problem and some solutions where you are also willing to take responsibility for fixing things for yourself not many parents would say no- unless they were unable to change things.

But to be fair and I apologise if it sounds harsh but I think in the heat of the moment and your stress levels due to studying it could have come across like a petulant, spoiled child demanding everyone bends to your demands…. I assume that is not what you intended.
Maybe sit with a cuppa and discuss properly with them especially if it is only two weeks.

For those that don’t know, the SQE is absolutely horrific. It isn’t just “exams” - it’s a huge course that covers the entirety of the core modules from a law degree, and a postgraduate practice course, in a couple of years. People do it full time, but doing it on top of work is two years of hell. It’s still a new course, is necessary to become a solicitor and the pass rate is incredibly low (July 2024 had a rate of 44%).

If your adult child, who is studying for bloody hard exams in order to start her career, has asked for a little extra support for a fortnight before her exams and you effectively reply “no because you aren’t important to me”, that says more about you than the request. It’s a nasty thing to say to your child, adult or not. If he’d felt pissed off that she’d asked he could have said “no, go and study in a library where you’re guaranteed some peace” but he directly told her that she was less important than other people in his life and that was why he wouldn’t agree. I’d be devastated if my dad had said that to me.

Good luck with your exams, Op.

Yeah I think calling it exams is minimising it but that’s what they are. For context in 4 weeks I’m sitting 16 exams across 5 days, in 5 areas of law, covering 6 different skills. They’re not easy.

I agree. There’s a certain element who think the harder they hit back at every slight or inconvenience, they bigger they look.

In reality it’s that attitude that causes many of the problems in the world - both at personal and global levels. It’s not that much of a “failure” to sometimes put something into context or perspective, or even to feel you can just rise above. In fact if op’s dad hadn’t overreacted to feeling he was being told what to do in his own home, there wouldn’t even be a thread with a hurt op.

OP I really feel for you doing these exams. They bear no resemblance to the previous route to qualification… they’re a memory test of niche points of law in an extremely tight timeframe.

I can understand completely how you’re feeling overwhelmed and wonder whether some of the tension is rubbing off on all members of the family and they’re treading on eggshells. Yes, what your dad said wasn’t nice, but we’ve all said things in the heat of the moment. Unless there’s a backstory where he’s never been loving to you, then I’d talk to him and make peace. I’d also speak to your SIL and explain the situation and that resitting these exams is not an option and extremely expensive. You need to pass them and to do that need to concentrate on your day off.

Could you take some time off from your job.

And to those posters saying that they did professional exams with a family, I can guarantee they were “easy “ open book essay style exams. The SQE is one of the hardest exams to pass!!

It was a mean and unnecessary thing to say and it’s left you feeling unsupported and unimportant at a time when you need the people around you to help you through this. You don’t have a family of your own yet so your parents are still your people and your dad has made you feel like you are not in their family circle.
But for ease I would plan to be out the house on your study day and when you pass your exams and secure full time employment I’d look for somewhere to live. If your dad asks why I’d say “I feel I’ve outstayed my welcome “ plus I wouldn’t want to live in a house where kids are there everyday ill or not even if they are my nieces and nephews.

Do you think maybe it was how it was worded rather then the actual request

as the OP seems pretty down on the amount of time her parents have their grandchildren.

Maybe they just heard it as yet another moan about them

Regardless of whether it was a cheeky request that comment from your dad was shitty and extremely hurtful. Are you going to talk to him about it? Good luck with your exams

I think he may have taken offence ,Its probably also difficult as they may come over without notice Older people will always prioritise cute kiddies over adult DC though.Your RL with DF sounds a little stifling TBH. Unless you want to be their carer in later years I would think of moving out when you can

You’re making a lot of assumptions about me. I don’t like that my sister sends the kids to my parents poorly - my parents don’t like it either. But I don’t say this to them. I don’t complain. As I’ve said, I’m an involved aunty. It is just while I am in the run up to my leave.

Ugh what a mean thing to say. Unfortunately we can’t choose our parents. I can’t imagine saying that to one of my dc. Totally understand why you’re upset.

I can understand where you are coming from , it's study/exam time and it's very stressful, there is no consistency in the days when kids are over. It's probably a difficult time all round for everyone. I've had relatives studying in the home whilst looking after my own child and I was told to keep the noise down , keep the music off . I felt like I couldn't make a noise, or we were told to go outside. As much as I cared about them studying I was so annoyed that we were expected to tiptoe round. No!!! So I get where you are coming from you want peace . Although what your dad said was very harsh and thoughtless , maybe he's had enough too and doesn't want to change/stop etc his own life. Can you not go to the library and study for a bit??
I'd chat to him tell him how hurt you were and give eachother a hug!!!

Why can’t you study in your bedroom? I don’t understand why your parents can’t use the rest of their house as they please? It sounds more like you are a bit stressed and are trying to control everyone to ease that anxiety.
As far as only having the grandchildren when you are out of the house, maybe that’s the only time your parents get to be alone?

I study in my bedroom the vast majority of the time I’m home. But sometimes I do like to sit at the dining room table so that I don’t feel totally isolated from my family and the outside world.

I’m so sorry for your father’s reaction and the reaction of some people on here. All my children are adults now and are welcome back free of rent at anytime they need to. If they are visiting and need to WFH or have exams to study for, all noise is kept to an absolute minimum. It’s not asking much to give someone a bit of peace and quiet for a few weeks while they study. My parents were more like yours though and I have always felt tolerated rather than loved and it’s shit and they would never change their behaviour to help me out. So sorry you dad was so horrible

I’m not sure you should put it into OP’s mind that she’s only “tolerated”.
We don’t know their relationship in the past

I did a chemistry degree while having 2 young children and I was a single parent and had to work and I am not comparing it to the exam the op is taking but I can guarantee it was no easy ‘open book’ set of exams

we were absolutely 100% exams- no coursework and absolutely no open book for anything

every thing is relative and many people could say that studying a medical degree is as hard

I didn’t even know open book exams were a thing until recently

Good grief, what a schedule of hell.

That fact that your sister has a history of bringing her kids over when they have Covid, D&V, flu etc would be reason enough for me to consider using some savings for a short term rental during study break/ exams, or stay with your Aunt?

That's really harsh. Surely within a loving family, things can be temporarily reconfigured to help out another family member going through an unusually stressful time? There's all the time in the world to resume the usual arrangement with the DGC after OP has completed her exams. That's how I'd look at it if I was OP's parents, anyway, and I wouldn't have a problem with this request. Especially as OP pays rent and merely made a simple enquiry as to whether this change would be possible, it's not like she marched up to her parents and demanded it.

And the 'most important thing in my life after your mum' comment was really nasty, I'm not surprised you felt hurt OP. Everyone in a family should matter, not just the children.

They’re some of the hardest exams around. Absolute hell.

im going to see how it goes after my exams - i haven’t got the financial backing to decide to up and move out of nowhere. I can fully acknowledge I’m not myself, but doing these exams genuinely changes you