To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

There’s no justification that makes what he said ok. It was a nasty comment and I’m sure it’ll linger in your memory.

I’m sorry, Op.

Good luck with your exams - and then move out.

I agree op.

Like most threads some people think you have a point, some don’t, some want to focus on moving out after exams.

Just find a way of working with the situation and getting through it. Fwiw I can see why you are upset but don’t think he meant it the way it sounded.

It true, again you’re making assumptions based on what you want to know. The exams are in four weeks, I’ve not just started studying now.

But for all the portrayal of the happy family, you aren’t important enough for him to tell you when your nieces and nephews are going to be coming round

I had something similar said to me (when I was still at school) It soured the relationship and I moved out at 16, got a job, was married at 17 and moved 300 miles away. Yet they still believed that it was me who soured our relationship. I haven’t spoken to them for decades

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much you enjoy time with a person, once they tell you what they really think there is no going back.

I would be moving out and renting. If they have an issue with that then I would say that comes from wanting to control

My goodness, I think you are getting a hard time on MN. Those exams are notoriously tough and you want to be able to focus and study in what is your own home after all, even if it is also your childhood home. I don't think you were being unreasonable to ask for some consideration in the circumstances.

To me, your DDad sounds like a classic middle manager, trying to keep everyone happy without having much power over the situation. It sounds like he is feeling stressed on your behalf, doesn't think he can really help with technical advice, although maybe feels he ought to be able to, and wants to help your sister-in-law out with the grandchildren too.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to hope that the other adults involved might make adjustments for a limited period, given that it would not involve a lot of stressful juggling on their side. They are all your family and should be wanting to make this process as easy as possible for you. You can in due course be accommodating to their needs when they require special consideration. That's what families are normally like.

I hope you feel better soon.

Right thanks for that negativity.

YANBU. That was a horrible thing to say and no matter what you’d asked he had no reason to say something like that, I can’t believe you are getting such a hard time on here for being upset over it.

A simple “It’s our house and we want to help our grandchildren too (as well as you)” would have been the reply of most parents imo, not what your Dad said. I’m hoping he meant that because they are so young that the grandchildren have to be his priority now (rather than his adult daughters) and that he worded it poorly.

OP, people have tried t help you by suggesting you study in your bedroom or go to the library, but you are refusing to accept either option. Your preferred option of the children not coming round clearly isn’t going to happen

Have you even read the thread?

Hi,
I don’t usually comment on threads but I just wanted to say that you absolutely didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t understand why your family wouldn’t think of the pressure you are under and try to help. All the posters saying you should move out- as if it’s that easy. How many people ( not just young uns) cannot afford to rent or buy at the minute? I really hope you do amazingly in your exams and do manage to move out as it sounds like that is your aim. All the best. 🤞🏻

You're definitely reading a different thread to me. The OP isn't refusing at all.

I think you're getting a really tough time here by the vast majority who clearly struggle with reading.

You didn't ask for anything more than for a heads up so you can go somewhere more peaceful. No demands, nothing to provoke that reaction. I think you need to get qualified, then move out and rent else you're going to do irreparable damage to the relationship with your father

My concern is that your father's reaction was just out of context to your question, and a very emotional/ knee jerk reaction rather than considered and conversational. That is strange for someone who presumably is intelligent and experienced in nuanced conversations. I'm not surprised you're hurt by what he said, I would be too.

I'd have expected a response of 'well we don't feel we can ask your sister/ in law to change her plans, but we'll try and keep the kids from getting under your feet, or why don't you look at the local library opening times for that day' or whatever. I think that's why a poster up thread mentioned dementia (not saying it is dementia starting, but the response isn't in line with what you'd expect from your dad.). Look after yourself OP, these few weeks will be over soon.

Please ignore all the arsey poster op. It wasn't an unreasonable request and I would be really upset if my parent said that to me. I wish you all the best in your career.💐

In much of the rest of the world, including many countries in Europe, children stay with their parents well into adulthood, or even form multigenerational homes. This expectation that children move out as soon as possible once they reach 18 seems to be particularly strong in the UK, it’s no wonder that so many families here are as fragmented as they are, and that there are so many lonely people.

All the best with your exams OP, the stress will be worth it in the end. Although it must be so hard to forget your father’s hurtful comment, try to put it to the back of your mind whilst you focus on the task at hand.

People get envious of people with ( they sense) good rent deals.

Not negative. Reality.

Now she knows what he really feels about her.

Nasty remark. However you should go to the library. People won’t organise their lives around you.

But you want to sit and work at the dining room table. 'sometimes I do like to sit at the dining room table'

Is the whole house stopping so you can work in the middle of family life?

Too many PP are getting het up about your living arrangements and letting it cloud their responses which is a bit surprising as I wouldn’t have thought a 25 year old living with parents is that unusual in this economy anyway. And it’s not like you’re laying about unemployed and leeching off their goodwill either. You work, you pay rent, you’re studying, you contribute to household tasks. I don’t see what their problem is.

It is a strange dynamic when you have to move back home as an adult and I agree with others that some grandparents can get really funny about their grandkids. But none of this justifies what your dad said. Even if he thought your request was unreasonable (and I personally don’t think it was), what he said was horrific.

I’d have to say something if it was me but then I’d have already said something about three seconds after he said it.

No one cares about 'good rent deals'. They care about adults who want to dictate to the home owners how they live in the house they own.

It's peak entitlement.

But the OP has only dictated they give her a heads up, that's all. It's not peak entitlement to ask someone to let you know who's coming and going into the house in which you live so you can adjust your studying environment accordingly.

To ask for her nephews and nieces to not come over as often for the next 4 weeks or to just let her know when they are coming so she can go elsewhere

Can’t see anywhere where she is dictating how her parents live their lives

OP your dad's reaction was completely OTT and you didn't deserve it. I suspect he has trouble dealing with your sister's demands, knows deep down that is not fair on you but won't face up to his inability to say no to her.
BUT. You sound really unwell and beyond exhausted. You aren't thinking straight.
Half an hour to get to the library will give your brain a chance to reset. You need to do that. You are burning out. Go to the library, and know that the thirty minutes each way is necessary. You are running on empty. It's unsustainable.
Take care of yourself lovely x

As stressful as your exams are, you don’t sound like you have the degree of resilience required to cope well at the moment. Assuming you have been studying for a good while, would it not have been better to pre empt your need for an intensive pre exam study period, and put in place a plan that you could control, rather than relying upon others who you live with to accommodate your needs? Local libraries have quiet areas, I used ours extensively during my pre exam studying, everything within my control.

It wasn’t perhaps a nice reply from your father, who sounds like he is on edge around you and your studies as well, but sort your own space, quiet, time, contacts would be my advice. All within your sole needs. Good luck with everything.